(A prediction that, by being voiced, causes itself to come true.)
Well then, I want to be happy and healthy and I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy too…being content will not suffice! I predict it and I belive it and I’ve voiced it.
If only it were that simple.
When he asked me those very pointed questions and I answered as honestly as ever, I told him I went on my interviews and truly didn’t care one way or the other about any one job in particular because I knew I had to land on my feet and that I would…there was no other option. That wasn’t a prediction per se, but a belief and goal and moreover, a FACT!
BUT – to land somewhere decent, was a bonus and a surprise. OK. It was a flippin’ SHOCK. But how long would it last?
The day we found out we were being terminated (because we “chose not too”/refused to relocate), I knew I would land another job – depending on one’s willingness to “give a little” we can all land other jobs…but what kind of job and how willing of a decrease in pay and status one was willing to take was another subject all together. But to land a job where you actually like what you are doing (most of the time), well…If I look at it clearly, I really didn’t give up much. Clarity isn’t by strongest suit though.
I like my job. It’s a little miracle. Especialy when the benefits kind of suck (compared to what you were used too) yet thankfully your boss is willing to “work” with you if you know your stuff. Thank goodness I know my stuff. I almost ended up at a bank. That seems pretty comical now considering all things.
So, as I was saying, I knew I would land a job but to land a damn good one was…? Was it a self fulfillijg prophecy because I believed in it and said it out loud? Did it have anything to do with karma or fate? LUCK? Is it a credit to me at all? Is it surprising that my two predecessors didn’t last more than a year? Was the job THAT difficult or was there something I was missing?
My friend landed his new job well before me. There was so much pride and happiness. No one deserved it more. Big smiles all around. But one year later, my friend goes to work every day taking a huge paycut and hating the job…my friend begins the dreaded job search all over again. This scares the hell out of me. Mostly, I just feel dank inside that his happines was short-loved and fleeting. Selfishly, I can’t help but wonder if I too will become part of this statistic? Will I want to leave a year or so later for greener and brighter pastures? Do they even exist? I can see the flaws in the current system I call “my job” and “my workplace”… and there are ways to prevent and repair them. However, saying you’ll support me and actually being supportive are two very different animals. Beasts. Demons. The “trust” is not there. So much of me is still jaded. We’re still so mistrusting. Sometimes we feel like we’re on the Island of Misfit Toys.
It makes me wonder how and why I landed here though. Fate? Luck? Karma? Self-Fulfilling Prophecy? Honestly I don’t have a clue.
It makes me wonder how my friend landed THERE. Miserable. Was it fate? Karma?
Honestly? No way. No clue. We must have to pass these tests and trials and tribulations…and ultimately choose our courses more or less wisely based on stricter or losser criteria. Clear as MUD! Sometimes you do things for yourself and sometimes you do them for others. You do the best you can with the cards you are dealt. Sometimes decisions are clouded and sometimes there is just a thick fog you can’t cut through. Clarity comes too late too often.
He doesn’t say much but he slowly turns his gaze into this evil, intimidating squint and stare-down. I return the favor before I gradually look away, trying not to vrack a smile, and focus on the event at hand. Like his father before him, he toys with people to demand respect and to obtain information. It’s all bullshit. But you play the game to keep your employment, to stay in good graces and to let them think they are manipulating you when they are simply playing into your hand without the slightest notion. And eventually, when the timing is just right, you go for the jugular…to get what you want…because no matter where we end up, like it or not, we have to conform at least slightly and play the game.
If only it were that simple.
I predict another very interesting year for us.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Beware of Falling Shoes (Truth IS Stronger Than Hope)
I see God upon the ceiling
I see angels overhead
And he seems so close
As he reaches out his hand
We are never quite as close
As we are led to understand
(When I Dream of Michelangelo/Counting Crows/Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings)
I relate to these lyrics. So poignant and obvious that God never seems to be as close as we want him to be. Like the way he appears to Adam with fingers barely touching (upon the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel). We could only hope to be so close. So close and yet so far. Just out of reach. Like many, many, many things.
Sometimes he’s closer than you think.
I hold onto hope like a lifeline. It’s different than faith yet similar. Some people lose faith – for
awhile, forever, for good reasons and for poor ones too. We have one life. You want to have faith in it and in the people in your life. Regrettably, faith can be lost. If and when it happens, the best you can do is hold on to hope. They are intertwined. Connected. Never lose both.
I remember hoping to land a certain job and doing so. I remember hoping to keep a job and it slipping away in front of me like sand through your fingers. I kept trying to scoop in up and hold onto it. Contain it. It turned into water...then air. Invisible but somehow giving me something to breathe in and…hope for.
I’d learn new techniques and take new classes. They’d offer me false hope, which is better than no hope at all. I’d throw myself into it and make it my primary focus to the point of obsession – to the point of OCD actually. It still slipped away – just of reach. HOPE would spring it’s beautiful notions to me and rumors would lead me to believe I could be saved. Liars. Judases! And then it all came crashing down. The ones I counted on to save me simply could not. They were not happy about that. I was unhappier than they will ever know. I lost my security blanket. I lost my mega vacation days, sick days, my comfort zone. I was once untouchable. I liked that spot. I miss it.
I had faith that the certain powers that be could protect me from the ugliness - the foreboding bittersweet panic that would ensue. They couldn’t. But they wanted too. That had to mean something to someone besides me. It didn’t. Exceptions for one meant exceptions for all.
You can’t have that. THEY couldn’t have that.
Truth is stronger than hope. I lost again.
I would start over…I would have no choice but to start over.
From scratch.
With nothing.
…and yet it would not be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I knew I would land on my feet because I had no other option. I told him that later on. It was an ultimate truth that was known and accepted long before I could ever speak it out loud. It was nice to get the opportunity to tell someone who would be a little amazed by it. Baffled.
I would hope to do all of it with grace and dignity. Faith crept in along the way. Faith in myself. Faith in starting over. Faith in landing a job with my own capabilities with no help from anyone.
Maybe I’d be OK.
I could only hope to survive and yet had faith that I would – no matter what - there was no other acceptable option. That was the resounding and annoying advice in my head...there is no other acceptable option." (Key word: acceptable)
I had hoped that someone would see this seeding dandelion as a chance for wishes (come true) and wonders and WOWS instead of a potential for weeds.
I struggle with faith – like many. I’m grateful for friends and people like Ann Lamott who write books and admit their struggles too. Good to know one is not alone in times of strife. Misery loves company, right?
The truth is that loss is a part of life. He couldn’t be saved and neither could I. People lose jobs. People lose lives. Hardly a comparison. She lost the use of her limbs. They lost a child. He lost his freedom. We lost our 4-day work weeks. Wait…that’s hardly a comparison.
Everything after that was nothing. I had hoped for a better outcome. What I got was the truth. What I know is this:
Truth is stronger than hope.
Somehow, we have to be strong enough to handle the truth. Perhaps that is where faith kicks in.
Too many times, I felt like I was at the epicenter – the point directly above the place where things would start to shake and become scary as hell. And I survived that. Losing a job was nothing to me because I had lost so much more already. We have all lost things that meant more to us than a job or… a 4-day workweek.
It was my empirical belief that once one shoe fell the other would surely follow.
I can only hope that enough time passes to make me stronger between the shoe falls…to make us all stronger between shoe falls.
__________________________________
God, it’s so painful, something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach…
(American Girl/Tom Petty/Remake by Goo Goo Dolls)
(Click the link for this...it ROCKS!)
I see angels overhead
And he seems so close
As he reaches out his hand
We are never quite as close
As we are led to understand
(When I Dream of Michelangelo/Counting Crows/Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings)
I relate to these lyrics. So poignant and obvious that God never seems to be as close as we want him to be. Like the way he appears to Adam with fingers barely touching (upon the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel). We could only hope to be so close. So close and yet so far. Just out of reach. Like many, many, many things.
Sometimes he’s closer than you think.
I hold onto hope like a lifeline. It’s different than faith yet similar. Some people lose faith – for
awhile, forever, for good reasons and for poor ones too. We have one life. You want to have faith in it and in the people in your life. Regrettably, faith can be lost. If and when it happens, the best you can do is hold on to hope. They are intertwined. Connected. Never lose both.
I remember hoping to land a certain job and doing so. I remember hoping to keep a job and it slipping away in front of me like sand through your fingers. I kept trying to scoop in up and hold onto it. Contain it. It turned into water...then air. Invisible but somehow giving me something to breathe in and…hope for.
I’d learn new techniques and take new classes. They’d offer me false hope, which is better than no hope at all. I’d throw myself into it and make it my primary focus to the point of obsession – to the point of OCD actually. It still slipped away – just of reach. HOPE would spring it’s beautiful notions to me and rumors would lead me to believe I could be saved. Liars. Judases! And then it all came crashing down. The ones I counted on to save me simply could not. They were not happy about that. I was unhappier than they will ever know. I lost my security blanket. I lost my mega vacation days, sick days, my comfort zone. I was once untouchable. I liked that spot. I miss it.
I had faith that the certain powers that be could protect me from the ugliness - the foreboding bittersweet panic that would ensue. They couldn’t. But they wanted too. That had to mean something to someone besides me. It didn’t. Exceptions for one meant exceptions for all.
You can’t have that. THEY couldn’t have that.
Truth is stronger than hope. I lost again.
I would start over…I would have no choice but to start over.
From scratch.
With nothing.
…and yet it would not be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I knew I would land on my feet because I had no other option. I told him that later on. It was an ultimate truth that was known and accepted long before I could ever speak it out loud. It was nice to get the opportunity to tell someone who would be a little amazed by it. Baffled.
I would hope to do all of it with grace and dignity. Faith crept in along the way. Faith in myself. Faith in starting over. Faith in landing a job with my own capabilities with no help from anyone.
Maybe I’d be OK.
I could only hope to survive and yet had faith that I would – no matter what - there was no other acceptable option. That was the resounding and annoying advice in my head...there is no other acceptable option." (Key word: acceptable)
I had hoped that someone would see this seeding dandelion as a chance for wishes (come true) and wonders and WOWS instead of a potential for weeds.
I struggle with faith – like many. I’m grateful for friends and people like Ann Lamott who write books and admit their struggles too. Good to know one is not alone in times of strife. Misery loves company, right?
The truth is that loss is a part of life. He couldn’t be saved and neither could I. People lose jobs. People lose lives. Hardly a comparison. She lost the use of her limbs. They lost a child. He lost his freedom. We lost our 4-day work weeks. Wait…that’s hardly a comparison.
Everything after that was nothing. I had hoped for a better outcome. What I got was the truth. What I know is this:
Truth is stronger than hope.
Somehow, we have to be strong enough to handle the truth. Perhaps that is where faith kicks in.
Too many times, I felt like I was at the epicenter – the point directly above the place where things would start to shake and become scary as hell. And I survived that. Losing a job was nothing to me because I had lost so much more already. We have all lost things that meant more to us than a job or… a 4-day workweek.
It was my empirical belief that once one shoe fell the other would surely follow.
I can only hope that enough time passes to make me stronger between the shoe falls…to make us all stronger between shoe falls.
__________________________________
God, it’s so painful, something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach…
(American Girl/Tom Petty/Remake by Goo Goo Dolls)
(Click the link for this...it ROCKS!)
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Let Go...Let God
(Written By Hennessy)
When does one stop the insanity and break all the rules to stand up for someone or something that you hold in your heart and it is the right thing to do? When do you quit believing what you are being told and take matters into your own hands? At what point in your life do you become so frustrated that you make a leap of faith and go against all odds to get what it is that you so desire?
It is now. Time has ticked on for too long and I am not waiting anymore. Enough is enough.
I have this vision of a scenario in my head that has been there for quite a while now. It has lain dormant for too long. It has also been spurred to come forward out of the shadows and into hopeful fruition by a recent event. A man amongst men has passed just a month ago and I have become incensed to see that a legacy that has not been born yet happens. I do this not for him alone, but for all who suffer terrible inflictions of incurable diseases. I do this more so for my wife, Jennifer. I am sick of political rhetoric, lies, mindless double speak and the incessant babble I am hearing from our government regarding stem cell research. I realize I am up against Goliath here, not to mention the Bible, but I am tired of it all. I am weary of watching my wife day after day struggle just to walk a few steps. I have grown despondent and have realized I need to be her martyr. I need to be so many things to her; this one is not going to be easy.
With my back up against the wall and with insurmountable challenges and odds, I still feel like I can muster this endeavor. If a person does not stand for something, they will fall for anything it is said. I stand for Jennifer because she needs me to help her stand. Being in one another’s shadows forces you to learn that person almost as much as you know of yourself. You become one with them. You want so badly to have it all, not for yourself, but for them. It is a battle sometimes, and you win some, but you don’t win the war. That is what I want to erase; the war. I want it over and I want it now. I can’t bare it sometimes to see her struggle with the simplest of tasks. Walking is a chore. I am scared for her and I cry a lot when she is not around. I am tired of crying. I am tired of bad answers to our questions. I am tired of red tape, protocol, being silent, and excuses. I feel at times we are being lied to about a cure. A cure? When? That is my question. Enough with the poisons, the exams, the bullshit. I want more.
I want to confront the highest person known who can answer, and I do mean answer to my satisfaction, my questions. Why? When? It is all drugs, nothing else. That’s just maintenance. That is bullshit and not good enough. How much longer are we to believe there is no cure on some horizon for this disease? Are we being led to think that someday there will come this cure? I get so frustrated anymore. I am not one to continue to be told what I think are lies and misgivings. How about all the drug companies that came out of nowhere a few years back with maintenance drugs. One day there was nothing, then BOOM--- 3 choices. I find this all hard to accept. I watch every day as my wife struggles to do the simplest of things. It just tears at me to see this. She and I were not ones to think bad things would ever happen to us, and now look. When does it all just stop?
Today was an especially good and bad day. So many things went right. And then it hit her, like bricks falling out of the sky. Too many to dodge and get out of the way from. Why? We had such a nice day together; in a flash it all went sour. That is what just amazes me as how quickly things can change. Almost in an instant, you go from greatness to dismal. It has such an odd way of playing with you, toiling with your emotions along the way. The fairness of this unexplainable phenomenon is a mystery that has to have an answer. I struggle to understand the complexity of it all. The emotional roller coaster is sometimes a ride I wish not to ever go on; yet, I have no choice but to ride along. Each turn, every slope or down hill is always a new venture that grips you and holds onto you and never gives a second thought to let go. Racing emotions, turbulent, bumpy feelings and all your thoughts and fears run the course along side one another. Some days, I just want to get off this ride, but I can’t, nor do I really want to.
I don’t think that any time soon I am going to get my answers to my questions. I tease my wife about all the questions she asks of others, or of me, but she wants to be well informed and I think that she is just that. Her ability to learn is staggering since most people feel they have learned just enough in life or about life to try and get along in life. Those are the ones that drift aimlessly without any sort of compass or direction as to where they are headed. I wish to be more like her; aware and focused and smart. I adore this quality in her. It is just one of the many emotions of love I have for her. She is everything to me. For this reason, I just want for her to enjoy being who she is. I so wish for her to be happy in life and savor all that is at her feet and for the taking. I want answers because I want her well and want something good to happen again in her life.
That vision probably wont happens either. My scenario is with the government, asking them questions and looking for answers. I am not an athlete, a movie star, rock star or anyone famous. I am I. I have nothing to offer, yet plenty to give. I am who I am and I cannot be the one to change what is so desperately needed in a cure for this. So close, yet oceans and hemispheres away. That is hard to take sometimes; it’s a big dose to swallow. You just imagine how much better you want it for your wife yet you can’t stand up and scream, “Listen to me!” All I have is the hope in my heart for her. A hope with a burning light that won’t be put out, even for lack of trying, to get those elusive answers. I can’t fight the government. I am not powerful enough. But I will never give up or give in and I will do all in my powers for my wife.
That higher power I earlier spoke of is not the government. It’s much more human and kind. That power I seek is God. I need to pray more and do it more than anything else. This is where my answers will be coming from - no place else. I shall seek the high heaven above and ask for miracles. As if answers aren’t enough, I want a miracle too. Perhaps, it will come in the form of something being done for everyone. Let God be our light and our hope. Through prayer, perhaps I will find out in my lifetime that perhaps this will all just one day go away because of a cure. Is it stem cells? I don’t know. It seems to be the answer. Let it be. God in Heaven let it be. I pray for my wife God, please here my prayers and help her. Let her live life God; let her live it in any, which way she wants. Answer her prayers as she seeks guidance from you. Reach down and help her. Come to her aid, please. Give her strength, give her freedom to move and walk. Take away any pain from her and release her from the grip she has wrapped around her. I have yelled enough. I have come to the realization I won’t get my answers from anyone but you.
I scream for something to be done. I whisper to you, Dear God, grant her every wish. Give her and I the power to hold onto the hope that someday, there will be something amazingly good that comes from all of this. We have changed, we have adapted. We have held onto our hopes and dreams. Yet we seek you for more help. I ask now that you help us get her over that rainbow to the other side where is peaceful. She is my sunshine, in our life there is much rain; with your help, we ask that you build us that rainbow from that sun and rain.
Lord, hear our prayers.
When does one stop the insanity and break all the rules to stand up for someone or something that you hold in your heart and it is the right thing to do? When do you quit believing what you are being told and take matters into your own hands? At what point in your life do you become so frustrated that you make a leap of faith and go against all odds to get what it is that you so desire?
It is now. Time has ticked on for too long and I am not waiting anymore. Enough is enough.
I have this vision of a scenario in my head that has been there for quite a while now. It has lain dormant for too long. It has also been spurred to come forward out of the shadows and into hopeful fruition by a recent event. A man amongst men has passed just a month ago and I have become incensed to see that a legacy that has not been born yet happens. I do this not for him alone, but for all who suffer terrible inflictions of incurable diseases. I do this more so for my wife, Jennifer. I am sick of political rhetoric, lies, mindless double speak and the incessant babble I am hearing from our government regarding stem cell research. I realize I am up against Goliath here, not to mention the Bible, but I am tired of it all. I am weary of watching my wife day after day struggle just to walk a few steps. I have grown despondent and have realized I need to be her martyr. I need to be so many things to her; this one is not going to be easy.
With my back up against the wall and with insurmountable challenges and odds, I still feel like I can muster this endeavor. If a person does not stand for something, they will fall for anything it is said. I stand for Jennifer because she needs me to help her stand. Being in one another’s shadows forces you to learn that person almost as much as you know of yourself. You become one with them. You want so badly to have it all, not for yourself, but for them. It is a battle sometimes, and you win some, but you don’t win the war. That is what I want to erase; the war. I want it over and I want it now. I can’t bare it sometimes to see her struggle with the simplest of tasks. Walking is a chore. I am scared for her and I cry a lot when she is not around. I am tired of crying. I am tired of bad answers to our questions. I am tired of red tape, protocol, being silent, and excuses. I feel at times we are being lied to about a cure. A cure? When? That is my question. Enough with the poisons, the exams, the bullshit. I want more.
I want to confront the highest person known who can answer, and I do mean answer to my satisfaction, my questions. Why? When? It is all drugs, nothing else. That’s just maintenance. That is bullshit and not good enough. How much longer are we to believe there is no cure on some horizon for this disease? Are we being led to think that someday there will come this cure? I get so frustrated anymore. I am not one to continue to be told what I think are lies and misgivings. How about all the drug companies that came out of nowhere a few years back with maintenance drugs. One day there was nothing, then BOOM--- 3 choices. I find this all hard to accept. I watch every day as my wife struggles to do the simplest of things. It just tears at me to see this. She and I were not ones to think bad things would ever happen to us, and now look. When does it all just stop?
Today was an especially good and bad day. So many things went right. And then it hit her, like bricks falling out of the sky. Too many to dodge and get out of the way from. Why? We had such a nice day together; in a flash it all went sour. That is what just amazes me as how quickly things can change. Almost in an instant, you go from greatness to dismal. It has such an odd way of playing with you, toiling with your emotions along the way. The fairness of this unexplainable phenomenon is a mystery that has to have an answer. I struggle to understand the complexity of it all. The emotional roller coaster is sometimes a ride I wish not to ever go on; yet, I have no choice but to ride along. Each turn, every slope or down hill is always a new venture that grips you and holds onto you and never gives a second thought to let go. Racing emotions, turbulent, bumpy feelings and all your thoughts and fears run the course along side one another. Some days, I just want to get off this ride, but I can’t, nor do I really want to.
I don’t think that any time soon I am going to get my answers to my questions. I tease my wife about all the questions she asks of others, or of me, but she wants to be well informed and I think that she is just that. Her ability to learn is staggering since most people feel they have learned just enough in life or about life to try and get along in life. Those are the ones that drift aimlessly without any sort of compass or direction as to where they are headed. I wish to be more like her; aware and focused and smart. I adore this quality in her. It is just one of the many emotions of love I have for her. She is everything to me. For this reason, I just want for her to enjoy being who she is. I so wish for her to be happy in life and savor all that is at her feet and for the taking. I want answers because I want her well and want something good to happen again in her life.
That vision probably wont happens either. My scenario is with the government, asking them questions and looking for answers. I am not an athlete, a movie star, rock star or anyone famous. I am I. I have nothing to offer, yet plenty to give. I am who I am and I cannot be the one to change what is so desperately needed in a cure for this. So close, yet oceans and hemispheres away. That is hard to take sometimes; it’s a big dose to swallow. You just imagine how much better you want it for your wife yet you can’t stand up and scream, “Listen to me!” All I have is the hope in my heart for her. A hope with a burning light that won’t be put out, even for lack of trying, to get those elusive answers. I can’t fight the government. I am not powerful enough. But I will never give up or give in and I will do all in my powers for my wife.
That higher power I earlier spoke of is not the government. It’s much more human and kind. That power I seek is God. I need to pray more and do it more than anything else. This is where my answers will be coming from - no place else. I shall seek the high heaven above and ask for miracles. As if answers aren’t enough, I want a miracle too. Perhaps, it will come in the form of something being done for everyone. Let God be our light and our hope. Through prayer, perhaps I will find out in my lifetime that perhaps this will all just one day go away because of a cure. Is it stem cells? I don’t know. It seems to be the answer. Let it be. God in Heaven let it be. I pray for my wife God, please here my prayers and help her. Let her live life God; let her live it in any, which way she wants. Answer her prayers as she seeks guidance from you. Reach down and help her. Come to her aid, please. Give her strength, give her freedom to move and walk. Take away any pain from her and release her from the grip she has wrapped around her. I have yelled enough. I have come to the realization I won’t get my answers from anyone but you.
I scream for something to be done. I whisper to you, Dear God, grant her every wish. Give her and I the power to hold onto the hope that someday, there will be something amazingly good that comes from all of this. We have changed, we have adapted. We have held onto our hopes and dreams. Yet we seek you for more help. I ask now that you help us get her over that rainbow to the other side where is peaceful. She is my sunshine, in our life there is much rain; with your help, we ask that you build us that rainbow from that sun and rain.
Lord, hear our prayers.
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