Let Go...Let God

(Written By Hennessy)

When does one stop the insanity and break all the rules to stand up for someone or something that you hold in your heart and it is the right thing to do? When do you quit believing what you are being told and take matters into your own hands? At what point in your life do you become so frustrated that you make a leap of faith and go against all odds to get what it is that you so desire?

It is now. Time has ticked on for too long and I am not waiting anymore. Enough is enough.

I have this vision of a scenario in my head that has been there for quite a while now. It has lain dormant for too long. It has also been spurred to come forward out of the shadows and into hopeful fruition by a recent event. A man amongst men has passed just a month ago and I have become incensed to see that a legacy that has not been born yet happens. I do this not for him alone, but for all who suffer terrible inflictions of incurable diseases. I do this more so for my wife, Jennifer. I am sick of political rhetoric, lies, mindless double speak and the incessant babble I am hearing from our government regarding stem cell research. I realize I am up against Goliath here, not to mention the Bible, but I am tired of it all. I am weary of watching my wife day after day struggle just to walk a few steps. I have grown despondent and have realized I need to be her martyr. I need to be so many things to her; this one is not going to be easy.

With my back up against the wall and with insurmountable challenges and odds, I still feel like I can muster this endeavor. If a person does not stand for something, they will fall for anything it is said. I stand for Jennifer because she needs me to help her stand. Being in one another’s shadows forces you to learn that person almost as much as you know of yourself. You become one with them. You want so badly to have it all, not for yourself, but for them. It is a battle sometimes, and you win some, but you don’t win the war. That is what I want to erase; the war. I want it over and I want it now. I can’t bare it sometimes to see her struggle with the simplest of tasks. Walking is a chore. I am scared for her and I cry a lot when she is not around. I am tired of crying. I am tired of bad answers to our questions. I am tired of red tape, protocol, being silent, and excuses. I feel at times we are being lied to about a cure. A cure? When? That is my question. Enough with the poisons, the exams, the bullshit. I want more.

I want to confront the highest person known who can answer, and I do mean answer to my satisfaction, my questions. Why? When? It is all drugs, nothing else. That’s just maintenance. That is bullshit and not good enough. How much longer are we to believe there is no cure on some horizon for this disease? Are we being led to think that someday there will come this cure? I get so frustrated anymore. I am not one to continue to be told what I think are lies and misgivings. How about all the drug companies that came out of nowhere a few years back with maintenance drugs. One day there was nothing, then BOOM--- 3 choices. I find this all hard to accept. I watch every day as my wife struggles to do the simplest of things. It just tears at me to see this. She and I were not ones to think bad things would ever happen to us, and now look. When does it all just stop?

Today was an especially good and bad day. So many things went right. And then it hit her, like bricks falling out of the sky. Too many to dodge and get out of the way from. Why? We had such a nice day together; in a flash it all went sour. That is what just amazes me as how quickly things can change. Almost in an instant, you go from greatness to dismal. It has such an odd way of playing with you, toiling with your emotions along the way. The fairness of this unexplainable phenomenon is a mystery that has to have an answer. I struggle to understand the complexity of it all. The emotional roller coaster is sometimes a ride I wish not to ever go on; yet, I have no choice but to ride along. Each turn, every slope or down hill is always a new venture that grips you and holds onto you and never gives a second thought to let go. Racing emotions, turbulent, bumpy feelings and all your thoughts and fears run the course along side one another. Some days, I just want to get off this ride, but I can’t, nor do I really want to.

I don’t think that any time soon I am going to get my answers to my questions. I tease my wife about all the questions she asks of others, or of me, but she wants to be well informed and I think that she is just that. Her ability to learn is staggering since most people feel they have learned just enough in life or about life to try and get along in life. Those are the ones that drift aimlessly without any sort of compass or direction as to where they are headed. I wish to be more like her; aware and focused and smart. I adore this quality in her. It is just one of the many emotions of love I have for her. She is everything to me. For this reason, I just want for her to enjoy being who she is. I so wish for her to be happy in life and savor all that is at her feet and for the taking. I want answers because I want her well and want something good to happen again in her life.

That vision probably wont happens either. My scenario is with the government, asking them questions and looking for answers. I am not an athlete, a movie star, rock star or anyone famous. I am I. I have nothing to offer, yet plenty to give. I am who I am and I cannot be the one to change what is so desperately needed in a cure for this. So close, yet oceans and hemispheres away. That is hard to take sometimes; it’s a big dose to swallow. You just imagine how much better you want it for your wife yet you can’t stand up and scream, “Listen to me!” All I have is the hope in my heart for her. A hope with a burning light that won’t be put out, even for lack of trying, to get those elusive answers. I can’t fight the government. I am not powerful enough. But I will never give up or give in and I will do all in my powers for my wife.

That higher power I earlier spoke of is not the government. It’s much more human and kind. That power I seek is God. I need to pray more and do it more than anything else. This is where my answers will be coming from - no place else. I shall seek the high heaven above and ask for miracles. As if answers aren’t enough, I want a miracle too. Perhaps, it will come in the form of something being done for everyone. Let God be our light and our hope. Through prayer, perhaps I will find out in my lifetime that perhaps this will all just one day go away because of a cure. Is it stem cells? I don’t know. It seems to be the answer. Let it be. God in Heaven let it be. I pray for my wife God, please here my prayers and help her. Let her live life God; let her live it in any, which way she wants. Answer her prayers as she seeks guidance from you. Reach down and help her. Come to her aid, please. Give her strength, give her freedom to move and walk. Take away any pain from her and release her from the grip she has wrapped around her. I have yelled enough. I have come to the realization I won’t get my answers from anyone but you.

I scream for something to be done. I whisper to you, Dear God, grant her every wish. Give her and I the power to hold onto the hope that someday, there will be something amazingly good that comes from all of this. We have changed, we have adapted. We have held onto our hopes and dreams. Yet we seek you for more help. I ask now that you help us get her over that rainbow to the other side where is peaceful. She is my sunshine, in our life there is much rain; with your help, we ask that you build us that rainbow from that sun and rain.

Lord, hear our prayers.