The Waiting

Tom Petty said it best:

“The waiting is the hardest part.”

It’s true in everything.

We are always waiting.

…For test results
…For the answer to our prayer
…For the cable guy (or any service person we need to repair what is broken)
…For the truth
…For “the one”
…For the phone call
…For good news
…For a miracle
…For the opportunity
…For IT to fix the computers
…For recognition
…For forgiveness
…For the letter, the phone call, the e-mail, the package
...For many, many, many, many things.

Think about it.

Right now.

What are you waiting for?

I spent years at my former job waiting for the promotion that never came. (Oh, there were promotions but never the one I truly wanted.) The recognition was there, the appreciation, the kudos, even the bonuses. But never the elevation, title and salary increase I truly thought came with hard work, dedication and commitment. They gave me opportunities, paid for my college and placed me on teams where my talents were better utilized. (Why pay a programmer in India when I could build the database you need for a fraction of the cost?) It was never enough.

At my former job, the opportunity to become a more integral part of my work world finally arrived. They called it a “developmental opportunity” which is business language for “you’re going to take on this new role because you have caught our attention and we know you can handle it. It will be more work for you, beneficial for us and there will be no increase in your salary at this time. We are giving you this honor to assist in your development. This will be an opportunity for you to develop yourself into a new role. A better role.”

So I took a deep breath and let the smile slowly unfold across my face until it hurt, and my eyes brightened and widened and then I said, “THANK YOU!”

(As it turned out, this was all for naught!)

Additionally, I should feel honored and recognized for my tremendous contributions! Longer hours and no salary increase. Wow. It’s like a nightmare come true.

And once again, I said, “thank you!”

While in the midst of this overwhelming, same paying, high expectation of an opportunity came to fruition - I was later (much later) informed the job I was being “groomed” for would be out of state. Most of you know the story. If not, you’ve figured it out all by yourself.

There was, for me, at this particular juncture in my life, only one viable option. Hang on for six month in order to get the severance payment. So I did.

I took my severance, my iPhone, and my brand new beginning and landed myself a brand new job ALL BY MY BRAND NEW SELF.

Less than 2 years later, with my brains and abilities duly noted by my new employer, I am proud to say I just received a promotion, salary increase and am hiring an assistant. Not bad.

There was no posting for the job.

The job was simply created.

For me.

And so sometimes it is true - when one door closes, another opens. I am grateful for the recognition, the promotion, the salary increase and the opportunity to make a difference in a company that has recognized I have the ability to do so.

I’m still waiting for a few things in life, but as a dear friend of mine always said, “It’s all good.”

Big thanks to the friends that knew I would arrive, and for the accolades, happiness and support you have given me. Thank for being there not only when I fall but also when I rise.

I am grateful. So many of my friends and former colleagues helped me get here. Thank you.

I try to learn something from everyone I meet. Sometimes you learn what to do and sometimes you learn what NOT to do.

Life is continuous learning and improvement. (Personally and Professionally)! It's definitely a journey and one hell of a ride!

After all the rough patches, this feels really good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You take it on faith. You take it to the heart.
The Waiting is the hardest part

~ Tom Petty / The Waiting

Good Friends, Good Wine, Good Times

We finally picked our day and were going to hang out together. Since we no longer work for the same company, we hardly ever see each other these days. Distance, and life in general tend to get in the way.

But one is never to busy for a good friend, and so you set the date, and work out the details, no matter how miniscule or magnitudinal, that might possibly get in the way.

Then you simply sit back and look forward to it.

And when you arrive at your destination, ready to go, greeted warmly and so happy to see each other…you are asked only one simple but serious question:

“Is it too early for wine?”

“NEVER”, I replied.

And there we were, 9:30 in the morning – two friends…one at the helm of the dreaded work laptop, finishing an e-mail that was a “must,” and one perusing her iPhone for messages. I cut my friend the slack needed to finish that dreaded work e-mail so we could hang out. Thankfully my friend cuts me slack right back. After all, we were both technically “working from home” that day. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone.

After wine, homemade pizza, crazy conversations, carrots and hummus, and more wine, we headed out to Standing Rock Art Gallery. A quaint little abode with something to catch your eye and make you think twice before leaving empty handed.

Next stop, Don Drumms. I’ve never left there without a trinket or two, and I’m quite sure I never will. We in no way tire of this gallery! So much to look at – every nook of these buildings, inside and out, are filled with treasures to behold and bewilder!

All this gallery hopping can leave one hungry and…. thirsty! So off to CRAVE for some delectable food and more wine along with interesting conversation! (“Where are my keys?” asked my friend. “ You left them with the valet,” I replied.)

FUN TIMES!

And before I knew it, the day I looked so forward to was rapidly winding down and coming to an end. It’s true, “time flies when you’re having fun.”

And it was decided:

We need to plan our next adventure...soon!

Very, very soon!!

Thanks T!

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So no one told you life was going to be this way.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear,

Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.

I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.

I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too

~ I’ll Be There For You (Theme From FRIENDS)
by The Rembrandts

Mother's Day 2009 ~ The Loss

(Written by Jules who was unable to post this herself today. Our thoughts and prayers are with Jules and her family.)

I come from a large family with many aunts and uncles.

Today, we lost one of them. My mother’s youngest brother. He would have had his 67th birthday this coming Saturday.

For about 12 years, he has battled chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, known as COPD, and emphysema. Chronic oxygen had been his constant companion for most of those years.
He lost his wife who was only 46 years old during the beginning of his health issues. He had to go on disability soon after her death due to depression and worsening of his health. At the time, his son was 10 years old.

He was able to get around in the beginning with his portable oxygen. He continued to raise rabbits which were a hobby and business. He was able to drive his truck for most of this time, until recently, when his now adult son said , " no more driving. "

Severe COPD is a progressive and ultimately terminal illness. He had his exacerbations over the years, and stabilization came as well. His life became smaller and smaller, until it seemed that he lived in his kitchen sitting at the table, or walking the few steps to his bedroom, dragging the long tubing from his nasal cannula hooked up to gigantic tanks in his living room. It seemed that he always had his TV turned on to “Matlock” reruns which were always playing when I would visit. I doubt I can hear the theme song to “Matlock” without thinking of him.

He used to play banjo , years ago , and he was pretty good. The banjo sat in its case in his room but I never saw or heard him play it in many, many years.

He had a cat named Thomas – a dark tiger cat.

These are just things I remember fondly.

A few years ago, he nearly died from an exacerbation. He was hospitalized, put on a respirator, and an induced coma. He was given the Last Rites of the Catholic Church, now known as the Anointing of the Sick. But he pulled through that one.

A week ago, he developed pneumonia. He seemed to recover. He was to go home Friday, but the winds took a different turn. His son was told to please call family because he had 24 to 48 hours at best. Many of us went to visit – but he was in no condition for visits. Heavily drugged, confused, exhausted, there was no real conversation. He was headed to hospice Saturday, yesterday. Upon my visit, he was completely unaware, totally out of it, a BiPap machine hooked to his face. Earlier, he told his son “There’s a small boy at the end of the bed.” Maybe it was a hallucination, maybe it was an angel. He didn’t seem afraid.

A priest from my parish offered to give him those Last Rites again this morning. He offered to go last night but I decided to risk the wait. This morning, after mass, I went to visit him. Father was leaving the building as I arrived. I thanked him from all of us.

I found my uncle as he was yesterday, not aware, breathing from the machine, not responsive to conversation and I didn’t really try. The nurse showed me his fingers and toes, the odd color, almost bloodless, very cold, and a mottling of the skin on his knees. His BP was very low. She told me they looked for such signs. The signs were there. I stayed with him awhile, and although I could not give him Communion which I had brought with me, I said the Lord’s Prayer for him, which we always prayed together before he took Communion at home as a shut in. I told him I would say it for him. I held hi s arm, his tattooed arm, and could barely say that prayer. I had to look out the window between my gasps and tears. I gave him a kiss and left. I don’t think he knew I was there.

Less than two hours later, his son called to tell me his dad had passed. No one had come yet , after me, but others were coming and were actually on their way, including his son. He was alone when he died. I wish I had known, because I would have stayed, but I didn’t. A nurse went in to check on him, and he was gone.

I hope the little boy he saw , at the end of his bed the day before , came back and took him home.

He always told everyone “Love you.” I have many messages on my phone where he said, “Love you.”

He was my godfather…

LAI – the journey is over, the battle done and we “love you.”

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”And I’m waiting on an angel, and I know it won’t be long, to find myself a resting place, in my angel’s arms, oh, in my angel’s arms.” - Ben Harper, Waiting on An Angel

Lovin's Little Itay - Cleveland Style

All we asked for was a day with no rain – we never contemplated the fury of the wind. This particular wind was a gale force to be reckoned with! Nearly every time I’m fortunate enough to visit Little Italy – the vicinity of Murray Hill and Mayfield - the wind makes its presence known. We laugh at the wind and tell her we respect her, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. So we let her have her with us and forged ahead.

The wild winds had performed their duty and sent chills through our bodies. It was time to warm up.

So we ate and we drank. Firs stop - Trattoria. We dined on luscious bread, Egg Plant Parmesan and Three-Cheese Spinach Ravioli along with the house salad and wine – Chianti, of course. The place packed in fast and we were soon ready to head out and see the galleries and boutiques. Somehow, sheer will power I presume, we passed the bakeries without stopping. The smells permeated the air and every breath we took.

After taking in a couple galleries, we stopped at Little Italy’s Wine Store. She begged us to stay for the wine tasting but it was 3 hours away and by then, well, we’d be on to bigger and better things. Lazy things. But I left with 4 fun bottles of wine and a promise to come back for a wine tasting.

A couple of my favorite galleries were closed today however, (and thankfully,) my boutique of choice was open and ready for me. I walked in to Ann Von H’s, not looking for anything in particular when the very first thing to strike me (hit me like a ton of bricks), was what appeared to be a cropped, crinkled, leather, intriguingly buttoned blazer.

Damn.

The price tag was outlandish. The owner and her cohort in crime begged me to try it on. I politely refused. I had 4 bottles of wine after all…what else did I need today.

Apparently I needed a cropped, crinkled, faux-leather, outrageously and insanely-priced blazer.

Hmmmmmmmph. It fit nice. It fit cool. It said, “take me I’m yours.” So I said, “OK.” They told me to pick a plastic egg from anywhere in the store. In the spirit of Easter and Spring and Renewal, and Discounts, I was happy to get a break of any kind on this overpriced-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking blazer….

I opened the egg, pulled out the ticket, which read, and I kid you not: “25 cents off.”

Huh?

I was insulted. Had it not been for a very important meeting this week (to which this blazer would be donned), I would have laughed at them, scoffed at their audacity to be so insulting (I mean, c’mon – 25 cents??? Are you freakin’ kiddin' me? For a blazer that costs 3 figures? You couldn’t give me $5.00 off at the very least?)

And then I placed the blazer right back on the rack.

Well, I considered it anyway.

But I couldn’t do it. Instead we looked at each other and with our eyes and body language, we let them know exactly how childish and insulting their little egg game was.

We left Little Italy after that – I was pretty pleased with my over-the-moon cool and overpriced blazer but somehow felt really annoyed about the 25 cent discount – I mean – seriously – I thought it was a joke – but quickly realized April Fool’s was long gone and Easter was approaching – hence the plastic eggs. My friend kindly reminded me that I was going to buy the blazer regardless of the contents of the speckled egg.

It’s a cool friggin’ blazer!

On the way home, we stopped at Gallucci’s. Mama Galluci had just packaged some of her homemade sauce and took us right to it. I managed to pick up her Alfredo Sauce, Ravioli and Manicotti too. Talk about sensuous aromas! On the way out, fresh baked – (seriously) just out of the oven – pepperoni bread was mine for the taking – so I partook!

It was a very good day in Little Italy. A great place to spend with your friends and family. A great place to meet new people and enjoy new things.

And today it was back to work – a very busy, stressful week for me so I’m grateful for fun weekends and friends and family that I get to spend them with.

I count my blessings every day. As we all know – things could be better and things could be worse. Much worse.

As my cousin says, “make it a great day!”

___________________________

Chinese Fortune Cookie:

Why be in sitting when you can be outstanding?!

Hennessy, Harley and Me

I’ve had this gift certificate to a particular Harley Davidson store burning a hole in my pocket for some time now. I just never seem to get there. It’s not a place I’m particularly comfortable walking into by myself, unlike say, Black House White Market or Neiman Marcus.

So I called upon my good friend Hennessy to hang with me in a place he would be comfortable, and therefore I would be too. There’s something about walking into a Harley Store – the smell of leather, the sheen of chrome, the bikes lined up inside and out, the camaraderie and welcoming that ensues the minute you walk in the door. (And it was customer appreciate day – free soup!)

So, donned in my “camos” (camouflage jeans) and Hennessy in his colors (more green), I looked at the clothes, while he talked to EVERYONE. Most of them knew him anyway. He’s a very friendly soul and will strike up a conversation no matter where he lands. Always the interesting conversationalist with tales to tell and new adventures to unravel. I continued to shop. I had a mission afterall. He had a social engagement.

I ended up with a very cool t-shirt that gives the impression of full-sleeve skull tatts.
I swore I would not end up with another leather jacket – I have too many now!

And there it was.

On the sale rack - if you can believe that.

A suede (not leather) Harley Davidson jacket that screamed “Take Me, I’m Yours.” The price was just right. So was the size. Thanks to Ohio weather, I’ve worn it twice already! Third times a charm and I'm banking on it being tomorrow. (Ah, yes, gotta love snow in April if you have a super-over-the-moon-cool Harley jacket - and I do.)

Spring will come soon enough - until then, I have a very cool jacket to keep me warm and toasty.

After doing damage at the Harley store, we headed out to Quaker Steak for Smokin’ Bill’s Bacon Biker Burgers and fries. EXCELLENT CHOICE, however…

I may never eat again.

Thanks Hennessy – good times as always!

God's Plan

If I were a gifted member of StoryPeople or had the wisdom of Brian Andreas, I would say:

I don't think this place is my final destination work-wise, she said, but I did land here for a reason so we'll see what God's plan is because I just don't have one that works anymore.

Forbidden Fruit

It wasn’t something you wanted or sought.

You didn’t think about it one way or the other, if at all. And then all of a sudden, it was all you thought about.

Thought Consuming.

And then, it just happened.

Realizations.

You thought you saw it coming but there was always the chance that you could be wrong.
It’s not like you haven’t been wrong before.

And then you realized you weren’t. And there it was. Right in front of you.

Forbidden Fruit

It’s tempting (YES!) and it has many shapes and forms - those things that we want but know we cannot or should not have for various reasons. Some crystal clear reasons – some not so much, depending on to what extent you choose to creatively spin the situation to your advantage.

But you know it is off limits and then, out of nowhere, you realize it’s not. And it hits you like a ton of bricks because now the rules of the game have changed – there are none.

And THAT changes EVERYTHING.

Everything you know.

Everything you were taught.

Everything you believe.

Karma.

Ethics.

Morals.

Scruples.

Friendships and Loyalties.

You are bewildered and blind-sided. Confused yet curious. The wonderment of it all. And again you straddle the fine line between wrong and right. The decision is yours and it’s colossal, because if you go forward, you can’t go back. And if you stand still, you will never know…

Where has standing still ever gotten anyone?

Choices.

You only get one life. And things happen to us in life that mold us and change us. Forever.

Does that justify it?

Blame.

Someone.

Anyone.

Just not me. I’ve been through enough.

Bitter sweetness.

We toy with the notion to a very dangerous point. Like two magnets in a small room. The thing you try to avoid the most keeps pulling you closer. Unavoidable decisions to be made in this game called LIFE.

Is it worth it? Consider the fallout. There will be fallout.

RELENTLESS.

And the signs are there and they are screaming, “Danger! Danger Will Robinson!”

And I know better than to partake of forbidden fruit in any form. (Shoulda known better…)

And yet, it consumes my thoughts more often than I care to admit.

And this must stop.

But that’s not what I want.

Some days I am strong – a force to be reckoned with.

And some days…I don’t recognize this person that I am.

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(Click 1st line of lyrics to hear song)
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

~Where I Stood/Missy Higgins

Blind Sided, Naive, or Hopeful

She did her job well from what I observed. They cut her hours. She still did her job well. Mondays became more challenging for her and she dealt with it - no complaints. I thought she should have seen it coming but hoped I was wrong. I fully admit, after all, that I am jaded.

I couldnt' help but wonder, was she blind sided, naïve or hopeful?

And at this point, I couldnt' help but wonder, which of those things am I?

But as her story goes…

After the New Year, on a lone Thursday afternoon, he visited her. He doesn’t come around much. He is a man of few words. He is rarely visible in the office. His schedule suits him, conforms to no one, and is rarely foretold to anyone. That includes his assistant. He does his own thing. Most of them do. And they wonder why things run amok.

But he sat with her. And he couldn’t look her in the eye - and this troubled her. And he told her she was laid off. She fought her tears and remained strong. He may or may not have offered words of encouragement but she was no longer afraid to speak and said, “Who are you kidding? I’m not coming back.” She told him, in no uncertain terms, that this was more than just a lay off. She was in shock. She also duly noted that her commanding salary was a factor in the decision…especially compared to the salary of the current employee who would take on her duties along with his own. (Good luck!)

What fools.

She has built relationships over the past several years. I hope she lands on her feet. She is a smart and attractive woman and that combination can be deadly and very powerful once one makes up their mind to be so. Both those qualities can be exploited separately but, when you incorporate them, it’s a “no holds barred” situation. The one that replaces her has very little chance of success in the position she claimed and excelled at. This is why management needs to know what you do and how well you do (or don’t) perform.

Today was a blur…and yesterday and today, tears were shed.

I lost the person who helped guide me through my newness and rawness and awkwardness of being the "new person" in the office. She was honest and wise. She was cunning and clever. We clicked. We respected each other and got along for all the right reasons and all the wrong ones too. Our similarities dangerously paralleled and made us respectful equals. We were not a threat to each other and so we could be friends.

And when I listened to my voicemail and she spoke from her heart, I realized how much I would miss my newest friend. I also realized how cold others could be and I wondered where this left me. Perhaps I am not at my final destination in the work world. I feel sad for my newest friend and her situation. I remember going through it. The difference is I had 6 months employment to deal with it and a severance package. She left with a white box of personal belongings and nothing else.

When I lost my job, my real friend wrote to me, “you do realize that others are sad that this happened to you but secretly they are glad it didn’t happen to them.” I felt that today too. I’m just being honest. Honest like my friend was to me. It’s hard to swallow but we all know it’s true.

I will start next week by clearing my office of all personal items. The ones I said I wouldn’t have in there in the first place, especially after having to pack up several boxes after leaving my las gig.

And then it happened.

The final straw…

…was the comment that poured the salt into the open fleshy and bleeding wound. It occurred precisely when he said, “so, do you want me to lobby for you to have her office?”

I was seething on the inside. My outside sustained some semblance of composure.

“No,” I replied. “That’s bad karma.”

_______________________________________________

I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
(The Fray / How to Save A Life)