Gut Reaction

The Waiting

2009-07-05T16:13:00.002-05:00

Tom Petty said it best:

“The waiting is the hardest part.”

It’s true in everything.

We are always waiting.

…For test results
…For the answer to our prayer
…For the cable guy (or any service person we need to repair what is broken)
…For the truth
…For “the one”
…For the phone call
…For good news
…For a miracle
…For the opportunity
…For IT to fix the computers
…For recognition
…For forgiveness
…For the letter, the phone call, the e-mail, the package
...For many, many, many, many things.

Think about it.

Right now.

What are you waiting for?

I spent years at my former job waiting for the promotion that never came. (Oh, there were promotions but never the one I truly wanted.) The recognition was there, the appreciation, the kudos, even the bonuses. But never the elevation, title and salary increase I truly thought came with hard work, dedication and commitment. They gave me opportunities, paid for my college and placed me on teams where my talents were better utilized. (Why pay a programmer in India when I could build the database you need for a fraction of the cost?) It was never enough.

At my former job, the opportunity to become a more integral part of my work world finally arrived. They called it a “developmental opportunity” which is business language for “you’re going to take on this new role because you have caught our attention and we know you can handle it. It will be more work for you, beneficial for us and there will be no increase in your salary at this time. We are giving you this honor to assist in your development. This will be an opportunity for you to develop yourself into a new role. A better role.”

So I took a deep breath and let the smile slowly unfold across my face until it hurt, and my eyes brightened and widened and then I said, “THANK YOU!”

(As it turned out, this was all for naught!)

Additionally, I should feel honored and recognized for my tremendous contributions! Longer hours and no salary increase. Wow. It’s like a nightmare come true.

And once again, I said, “thank you!”

While in the midst of this overwhelming, same paying, high expectation of an opportunity came to fruition - I was later (much later) informed the job I was being “groomed” for would be out of state. Most of you know the story. If not, you’ve figured it out all by yourself.

There was, for me, at this particular juncture in my life, only one viable option. Hang on for six month in order to get the severance payment. So I did.

I took my severance, my iPhone, and my brand new beginning and landed myself a brand new job ALL BY MY BRAND NEW SELF.

Less than 2 years later, with my brains and abilities duly noted by my new employer, I am proud to say I just received a promotion, salary increase and am hiring an assistant. Not bad.

There was no posting for the job.

The job was simply created.

For me.

And so sometimes it is true - when one door closes, another opens. I am grateful for the recognition, the promotion, the salary increase and the opportunity to make a difference in a company that has recognized I have the ability to do so.

I’m still waiting for a few things in life, but as a dear friend of mine always said, “It’s all good.”

Big thanks to the friends that knew I would arrive, and for the accolades, happiness and support you have given me. Thank for being there not only when I fall but also when I rise.

I am grateful. So many of my friends and former colleagues helped me get here. Thank you.

I try to learn something from everyone I meet. Sometimes you learn what to do and sometimes you learn what NOT to do.

Life is continuous learning and improvement. (Personally and Professionally)! It's definitely a journey and one hell of a ride!

After all the rough patches, this feels really good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You take it on faith. You take it to the heart.
The Waiting is the hardest part

~ Tom Petty / The Waiting

Good Friends, Good Wine, Good Times

2009-05-26T17:56:00.004-05:00

We finally picked our day and were going to hang out together. Since we no longer work for the same company, we hardly ever see each other these days. Distance, and life in general tend to get in the way.

But one is never to busy for a good friend, and so you set the date, and work out the details, no matter how miniscule or magnitudinal, that might possibly get in the way.

Then you simply sit back and look forward to it.

And when you arrive at your destination, ready to go, greeted warmly and so happy to see each other…you are asked only one simple but serious question:

“Is it too early for wine?”

“NEVER”, I replied.

And there we were, 9:30 in the morning – two friends…one at the helm of the dreaded work laptop, finishing an e-mail that was a “must,” and one perusing her iPhone for messages. I cut my friend the slack needed to finish that dreaded work e-mail so we could hang out. Thankfully my friend cuts me slack right back. After all, we were both technically “working from home” that day. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone.

After wine, homemade pizza, crazy conversations, carrots and hummus, and more wine, we headed out to Standing Rock Art Gallery. A quaint little abode with something to catch your eye and make you think twice before leaving empty handed.

Next stop, Don Drumms. I’ve never left there without a trinket or two, and I’m quite sure I never will. We in no way tire of this gallery! So much to look at – every nook of these buildings, inside and out, are filled with treasures to behold and bewilder!

All this gallery hopping can leave one hungry and…. thirsty! So off to CRAVE for some delectable food and more wine along with interesting conversation! (“Where are my keys?” asked my friend. “ You left them with the valet,” I replied.)

FUN TIMES!

And before I knew it, the day I looked so forward to was rapidly winding down and coming to an end. It’s true, “time flies when you’re having fun.”

And it was decided:

We need to plan our next adventure...soon!

Very, very soon!!

Thanks T!

____________________________________________

So no one told you life was going to be this way.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.

It's like you're always stuck in second gear,

Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.

I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.

I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too

~ I’ll Be There For You (Theme From FRIENDS)
by The Rembrandts

Mother's Day 2009 ~ The Loss

2009-05-10T17:40:00.003-05:00

(Written by Jules who was unable to post this herself today. Our thoughts and prayers are with Jules and her family.)

I come from a large family with many aunts and uncles.

Today, we lost one of them. My mother’s youngest brother. He would have had his 67th birthday this coming Saturday.

For about 12 years, he has battled chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, known as COPD, and emphysema. Chronic oxygen had been his constant companion for most of those years.
He lost his wife who was only 46 years old during the beginning of his health issues. He had to go on disability soon after her death due to depression and worsening of his health. At the time, his son was 10 years old.

He was able to get around in the beginning with his portable oxygen. He continued to raise rabbits which were a hobby and business. He was able to drive his truck for most of this time, until recently, when his now adult son said , " no more driving. "

Severe COPD is a progressive and ultimately terminal illness. He had his exacerbations over the years, and stabilization came as well. His life became smaller and smaller, until it seemed that he lived in his kitchen sitting at the table, or walking the few steps to his bedroom, dragging the long tubing from his nasal cannula hooked up to gigantic tanks in his living room. It seemed that he always had his TV turned on to “Matlock” reruns which were always playing when I would visit. I doubt I can hear the theme song to “Matlock” without thinking of him.

He used to play banjo , years ago , and he was pretty good. The banjo sat in its case in his room but I never saw or heard him play it in many, many years.

He had a cat named Thomas – a dark tiger cat.

These are just things I remember fondly.

A few years ago, he nearly died from an exacerbation. He was hospitalized, put on a respirator, and an induced coma. He was given the Last Rites of the Catholic Church, now known as the Anointing of the Sick. But he pulled through that one.

A week ago, he developed pneumonia. He seemed to recover. He was to go home Friday, but the winds took a different turn. His son was told to please call family because he had 24 to 48 hours at best. Many of us went to visit – but he was in no condition for visits. Heavily drugged, confused, exhausted, there was no real conversation. He was headed to hospice Saturday, yesterday. Upon my visit, he was completely unaware, totally out of it, a BiPap machine hooked to his face. Earlier, he told his son “There’s a small boy at the end of the bed.” Maybe it was a hallucination, maybe it was an angel. He didn’t seem afraid.

A priest from my parish offered to give him those Last Rites again this morning. He offered to go last night but I decided to risk the wait. This morning, after mass, I went to visit him. Father was leaving the building as I arrived. I thanked him from all of us.

I found my uncle as he was yesterday, not aware, breathing from the machine, not responsive to conversation and I didn’t really try. The nurse showed me his fingers and toes, the odd color, almost bloodless, very cold, and a mottling of the skin on his knees. His BP was very low. She told me they looked for such signs. The signs were there. I stayed with him awhile, and although I could not give him Communion which I had brought with me, I said the Lord’s Prayer for him, which we always prayed together before he took Communion at home as a shut in. I told him I would say it for him. I held hi s arm, his tattooed arm, and could barely say that prayer. I had to look out the window between my gasps and tears. I gave him a kiss and left. I don’t think he knew I was there.

Less than two hours later, his son called to tell me his dad had passed. No one had come yet , after me, but others were coming and were actually on their way, including his son. He was alone when he died. I wish I had known, because I would have stayed, but I didn’t. A nurse went in to check on him, and he was gone.

I hope the little boy he saw , at the end of his bed the day before , came back and took him home.

He always told everyone “Love you.” I have many messages on my phone where he said, “Love you.”

He was my godfather…

LAI – the journey is over, the battle done and we “love you.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

”And I’m waiting on an angel, and I know it won’t be long, to find myself a resting place, in my angel’s arms, oh, in my angel’s arms.” - Ben Harper, Waiting on An Angel

Lovin's Little Itay - Cleveland Style

2009-04-25T14:04:00.002-05:00

All we asked for was a day with no rain – we never contemplated the fury of the wind. This particular wind was a gale force to be reckoned with! Nearly every time I’m fortunate enough to visit Little Italy – the vicinity of Murray Hill and Mayfield - the wind makes its presence known. We laugh at the wind and tell her we respect her, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. So we let her have her with us and forged ahead.

The wild winds had performed their duty and sent chills through our bodies. It was time to warm up.

So we ate and we drank. Firs stop - Trattoria. We dined on luscious bread, Egg Plant Parmesan and Three-Cheese Spinach Ravioli along with the house salad and wine – Chianti, of course. The place packed in fast and we were soon ready to head out and see the galleries and boutiques. Somehow, sheer will power I presume, we passed the bakeries without stopping. The smells permeated the air and every breath we took.

After taking in a couple galleries, we stopped at Little Italy’s Wine Store. She begged us to stay for the wine tasting but it was 3 hours away and by then, well, we’d be on to bigger and better things. Lazy things. But I left with 4 fun bottles of wine and a promise to come back for a wine tasting.

A couple of my favorite galleries were closed today however, (and thankfully,) my boutique of choice was open and ready for me. I walked in to Ann Von H’s, not looking for anything in particular when the very first thing to strike me (hit me like a ton of bricks), was what appeared to be a cropped, crinkled, leather, intriguingly buttoned blazer.

Damn.

The price tag was outlandish. The owner and her cohort in crime begged me to try it on. I politely refused. I had 4 bottles of wine after all…what else did I need today.

Apparently I needed a cropped, crinkled, faux-leather, outrageously and insanely-priced blazer.

Hmmmmmmmph. It fit nice. It fit cool. It said, “take me I’m yours.” So I said, “OK.” They told me to pick a plastic egg from anywhere in the store. In the spirit of Easter and Spring and Renewal, and Discounts, I was happy to get a break of any kind on this overpriced-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking blazer….

I opened the egg, pulled out the ticket, which read, and I kid you not: “25 cents off.”

Huh?

I was insulted. Had it not been for a very important meeting this week (to which this blazer would be donned), I would have laughed at them, scoffed at their audacity to be so insulting (I mean, c’mon – 25 cents??? Are you freakin’ kiddin' me? For a blazer that costs 3 figures? You couldn’t give me $5.00 off at the very least?)

And then I placed the blazer right back on the rack.

Well, I considered it anyway.

But I couldn’t do it. Instead we looked at each other and with our eyes and body language, we let them know exactly how childish and insulting their little egg game was.

We left Little Italy after that – I was pretty pleased with my over-the-moon cool and overpriced blazer but somehow felt really annoyed about the 25 cent discount – I mean – seriously – I thought it was a joke – but quickly realized April Fool’s was long gone and Easter was approaching – hence the plastic eggs. My friend kindly reminded me that I was going to buy the blazer regardless of the contents of the speckled egg.

It’s a cool friggin’ blazer!

On the way home, we stopped at Gallucci’s. Mama Galluci had just packaged some of her homemade sauce and took us right to it. I managed to pick up her Alfredo Sauce, Ravioli and Manicotti too. Talk about sensuous aromas! On the way out, fresh baked – (seriously) just out of the oven – pepperoni bread was mine for the taking – so I partook!

It was a very good day in Little Italy. A great place to spend with your friends and family. A great place to meet new people and enjoy new things.

And today it was back to work – a very busy, stressful week for me so I’m grateful for fun weekends and friends and family that I get to spend them with.

I count my blessings every day. As we all know – things could be better and things could be worse. Much worse.

As my cousin says, “make it a great day!”

___________________________

Chinese Fortune Cookie:

Why be in sitting when you can be outstanding?!

Hennessy, Harley and Me

2009-04-05T14:55:00.002-05:00

I’ve had this gift certificate to a particular Harley Davidson store burning a hole in my pocket for some time now. I just never seem to get there. It’s not a place I’m particularly comfortable walking into by myself, unlike say, Black House White Market or Neiman Marcus.

So I called upon my good friend Hennessy to hang with me in a place he would be comfortable, and therefore I would be too. There’s something about walking into a Harley Store – the smell of leather, the sheen of chrome, the bikes lined up inside and out, the camaraderie and welcoming that ensues the minute you walk in the door. (And it was customer appreciate day – free soup!)

So, donned in my “camos” (camouflage jeans) and Hennessy in his colors (more green), I looked at the clothes, while he talked to EVERYONE. Most of them knew him anyway. He’s a very friendly soul and will strike up a conversation no matter where he lands. Always the interesting conversationalist with tales to tell and new adventures to unravel. I continued to shop. I had a mission afterall. He had a social engagement.

I ended up with a very cool t-shirt that gives the impression of full-sleeve skull tatts.
I swore I would not end up with another leather jacket – I have too many now!

And there it was.

On the sale rack - if you can believe that.

A suede (not leather) Harley Davidson jacket that screamed “Take Me, I’m Yours.” The price was just right. So was the size. Thanks to Ohio weather, I’ve worn it twice already! Third times a charm and I'm banking on it being tomorrow. (Ah, yes, gotta love snow in April if you have a super-over-the-moon-cool Harley jacket - and I do.)

Spring will come soon enough - until then, I have a very cool jacket to keep me warm and toasty.

After doing damage at the Harley store, we headed out to Quaker Steak for Smokin’ Bill’s Bacon Biker Burgers and fries. EXCELLENT CHOICE, however…

I may never eat again.

Thanks Hennessy – good times as always!

God's Plan

2009-03-22T14:03:00.001-05:00

If I were a gifted member of StoryPeople or had the wisdom of Brian Andreas, I would say:

I don't think this place is my final destination work-wise, she said, but I did land here for a reason so we'll see what God's plan is because I just don't have one that works anymore.

Forbidden Fruit

2009-03-08T18:51:00.003-05:00

It wasn’t something you wanted or sought.

You didn’t think about it one way or the other, if at all. And then all of a sudden, it was all you thought about.

Thought Consuming.

And then, it just happened.

Realizations.

You thought you saw it coming but there was always the chance that you could be wrong.
It’s not like you haven’t been wrong before.

And then you realized you weren’t. And there it was. Right in front of you.

Forbidden Fruit

It’s tempting (YES!) and it has many shapes and forms - those things that we want but know we cannot or should not have for various reasons. Some crystal clear reasons – some not so much, depending on to what extent you choose to creatively spin the situation to your advantage.

But you know it is off limits and then, out of nowhere, you realize it’s not. And it hits you like a ton of bricks because now the rules of the game have changed – there are none.

And THAT changes EVERYTHING.

Everything you know.

Everything you were taught.

Everything you believe.

Karma.

Ethics.

Morals.

Scruples.

Friendships and Loyalties.

You are bewildered and blind-sided. Confused yet curious. The wonderment of it all. And again you straddle the fine line between wrong and right. The decision is yours and it’s colossal, because if you go forward, you can’t go back. And if you stand still, you will never know…

Where has standing still ever gotten anyone?

Choices.

You only get one life. And things happen to us in life that mold us and change us. Forever.

Does that justify it?

Blame.

Someone.

Anyone.

Just not me. I’ve been through enough.

Bitter sweetness.

We toy with the notion to a very dangerous point. Like two magnets in a small room. The thing you try to avoid the most keeps pulling you closer. Unavoidable decisions to be made in this game called LIFE.

Is it worth it? Consider the fallout. There will be fallout.

RELENTLESS.

And the signs are there and they are screaming, “Danger! Danger Will Robinson!”

And I know better than to partake of forbidden fruit in any form. (Shoulda known better…)

And yet, it consumes my thoughts more often than I care to admit.

And this must stop.

But that’s not what I want.

Some days I am strong – a force to be reckoned with.

And some days…I don’t recognize this person that I am.

____________________________________________

(Click 1st line of lyrics to hear song)
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

~Where I Stood/Missy Higgins

Blind Sided, Naive, or Hopeful

2009-01-09T18:41:00.004-05:00

She did her job well from what I observed. They cut her hours. She still did her job well. Mondays became more challenging for her and she dealt with it - no complaints. I thought she should have seen it coming but hoped I was wrong. I fully admit, after all, that I am jaded.

I couldnt' help but wonder, was she blind sided, naïve or hopeful?

And at this point, I couldnt' help but wonder, which of those things am I?

But as her story goes…

After the New Year, on a lone Thursday afternoon, he visited her. He doesn’t come around much. He is a man of few words. He is rarely visible in the office. His schedule suits him, conforms to no one, and is rarely foretold to anyone. That includes his assistant. He does his own thing. Most of them do. And they wonder why things run amok.

But he sat with her. And he couldn’t look her in the eye - and this troubled her. And he told her she was laid off. She fought her tears and remained strong. He may or may not have offered words of encouragement but she was no longer afraid to speak and said, “Who are you kidding? I’m not coming back.” She told him, in no uncertain terms, that this was more than just a lay off. She was in shock. She also duly noted that her commanding salary was a factor in the decision…especially compared to the salary of the current employee who would take on her duties along with his own. (Good luck!)

What fools.

She has built relationships over the past several years. I hope she lands on her feet. She is a smart and attractive woman and that combination can be deadly and very powerful once one makes up their mind to be so. Both those qualities can be exploited separately but, when you incorporate them, it’s a “no holds barred” situation. The one that replaces her has very little chance of success in the position she claimed and excelled at. This is why management needs to know what you do and how well you do (or don’t) perform.

Today was a blur…and yesterday and today, tears were shed.

I lost the person who helped guide me through my newness and rawness and awkwardness of being the "new person" in the office. She was honest and wise. She was cunning and clever. We clicked. We respected each other and got along for all the right reasons and all the wrong ones too. Our similarities dangerously paralleled and made us respectful equals. We were not a threat to each other and so we could be friends.

And when I listened to my voicemail and she spoke from her heart, I realized how much I would miss my newest friend. I also realized how cold others could be and I wondered where this left me. Perhaps I am not at my final destination in the work world. I feel sad for my newest friend and her situation. I remember going through it. The difference is I had 6 months employment to deal with it and a severance package. She left with a white box of personal belongings and nothing else.

When I lost my job, my real friend wrote to me, “you do realize that others are sad that this happened to you but secretly they are glad it didn’t happen to them.” I felt that today too. I’m just being honest. Honest like my friend was to me. It’s hard to swallow but we all know it’s true.

I will start next week by clearing my office of all personal items. The ones I said I wouldn’t have in there in the first place, especially after having to pack up several boxes after leaving my las gig.

And then it happened.

The final straw…

…was the comment that poured the salt into the open fleshy and bleeding wound. It occurred precisely when he said, “so, do you want me to lobby for you to have her office?”

I was seething on the inside. My outside sustained some semblance of composure.

“No,” I replied. “That’s bad karma.”

_______________________________________________

I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
(The Fray / How to Save A Life)

A Long December

2008-12-31T17:40:00.003-05:00

Here are the lyrics from my favorite Counting Crows song.

To quote my favorite line, and my wish for all of us,

"Maybe this year will be better than the last."

Happy New Year from KAT

_____________________________________________

A long December and there’s reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin’

Oh the days go by so fast

And it’s one more day up in the canyons

And it’s one more night in Hollywood

If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter

And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

All at once you look across a crowded room

To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it’s one more day up in the canyons

And it’s one more night in Hollywood

If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 A.M.

And talked a little while about the year

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower

Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and theres reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself

To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its’ one more day up in the canyon

And it’s one more night in hollywood
And it’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean
I guess I should
_________________________________________________

“Ideas are only good if they’re shared,” he said.
The silence was deafening.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T17:36:00.000-05:00

(Written By Hennessy)

Perhaps it should have been prefaced, “Once upon a time, long ago.” Maybe even “as the story goes” might have sufficed as its beginning.

Those lines are for fables and fiction. This story, not of fiction, not of folklore, but of truth, has passed on from those who were there that night in Bethlehem. This is the very essence of just how we are to celebrate this time of the year. It has taken on many shapes and forms, but it still has the same core meaning we all wish to capture in life.

This is the story of hope, love and peace.

I have never been to Bethlehem, nor have I crossed the sands of Galilee. I cannot begin to imagine the journey that was to take place in order to deliver this Savoir, this man who was already to be called Jesus. I do know however, that on that night, that most silent of nights, the holy spirit came to be in a manger with the animals as witnesses to watch the hand of God see that his Son be delivered to us all. A lone star shining in the darkness of the desert provided the light to the manger where the magi assembled to bring gifts to the newborn King. They knelt at his feet, and glory be to the newborn rang true throughout the tiny manger. This night, there in the cold, a miracle amongst mankind was under that magic star. Perhaps today, we see stars and think to ourselves; where is my miracle.

As I said, this is the story of love, hope and peace. This is also what Christmas is as well. On this day, we shall not find under the adorned trees that grace our homes any of those three things (love, hope, peace) as a wrapped present. They are wishes of ours, beliefs we hold in our hearts and souls that we pray we never lose, or that we pray we obtain, should they not be with us just yet. All of them represent the essence of who we are as a people. I find it rather humbling to seek these three magical elements of life. So precious they are, so fragile and in an instant can be gone should we not guard them with care. It is a blessing to us all that we have them with us and let their meaning guide us just as the star did for the Wise men. I hope that you have love, hope and peace, and hold them closely, never letting them out of your thoughts.

Love. This is an emotion we extend to those we care for. Our families mostly are the receivers of this. Acts of kindness not provoked, but rather given freely as we love those that matter most to us in our lives. While the sands of time permit us to be together in life, tell those that make you who you are that you love them because one day, the hourglass of time shall have not a grain of sand left and time and love shall have slipped away.
Hope. Perhaps this is what we desire daily. We use that word an awful lot in life, and when it appears in spoken word or thoughts, we overextend its true meaning. To all of you, I so hope from my heart, that all of you have a blessed Christmas together with family; the ones we love the most in life. I hope over your homes that day, that your star shines, and that your miracles take place.

Peace. The last of the three holiday spirits. Let it visit you this day. Let peace be in your hearts, your souls and in your homes. May the hand of heaven hold yours and let you know that peace and kindness on this day shall be yours to have and to hold. May serenity and tranquility rain down upon you and those that matter most to you in your lives.

Permit me to take this time and opportunity to extend wishes to you all in hopes that you on this most magical of days experience the love, hope and peace that you so all deserve. May the beauty that is this day be with you all and that you experience in the love of this season of giving and receiving. Let these blessings be with you this Christmas, and forever and always.

There's more, much more, to Christmas than candlelight and cheer; it's the spirit of sweet friendship that brightens all year. It's thoughtfulness and kindness; it's hope reborn again, for peace, for understanding, and for goodwill to men.

From our home to yours my friends, a very blessed and Merry Christmas day to you all. God bless.

Peace.

So This Is Christmas...

2008-12-24T16:52:00.004-05:00

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas.

For all you have, for all you need, for all you want, for all you are grateful and thankful for.

For all you've lost, for all you will gain, for all you hope and for all you dream.

I wish for you that your Christmas wish comes true.

(And mine too!)

___________________________________________________

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over
If you want it
War is over
Now...

John Lennon Happy Christmas (War is Over)

A Few Days Before Christmas...

2008-12-21T18:25:00.002-05:00

Written By Jules:

On Wednesday late afternoon/early evening, I drove through downtown Elyria on my way to a meeting for work. I couldn’t help but notice the town square, always beautifully lighted for Christmas and it is no exception this year. However, my thoughts were not so much on the pretty lights and the holidays only a few days off. It was hard to feel much joy. The day before, the company I work for eliminated three positions in our department. Like most every business out there, the domino effect of the economy has hit us and due to “changing business” needs, as it was referred to, three women were told their positions were cut – effective immediately. Somehow losing your job the week before Christmas seems even more brutal. It was mentioned in our meeting that there is no good time to be told you are out of a job, but I beg to differ – it seems these cuts could have waited until after the holidays, but that was not how it was handled.
In the past month, two women I know lost their mothers – in the same week. My neighbor’s mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in early November. She had not been obviously ill – the diagnosis came through the investigation of a swollen ankle, which led to other tests and unbelievably, stage IV pancreatic cancer. As Thanksgiving and the pre-Christmas season came around, my neighbor and her family watched her mom rapidly dwindle away. I could only imagine the shock and grief they must have felt during the month that her mother was dying. I cannot begin to know how they are coping now, but certainly with the deep sense of pain and loss that perhaps makes their lives seem unrecognizable as they work through this rough time.
A week earlier, a young college student who works at a coffee shop I frequent lost her mom; a 51-year-old woman. She passed away in her sleep from an apparent heart attack. I saw this young girl today, back on the job for the first time since her mom died. I didn’t know what to say, except, “I’m glad you are back.” Her face was sad. We didn’t go anywhere near the discussion of her mom. She thanked me for the card I sent her. She told me that they had put a tree up but she had not bought presents. I got the feeling she didn’t want to celebrate Christmas. I can understand why. Her pain is too fresh.

There is the terrible sadness over the discovery of little Caylee Anthony’s body being positively identified this past week. There is nothing left of this beautiful little girl but her bones, tossed into a garbage bag with duct tape across her mouth. No one can comprehend this tragedy. What can you say? Caylee will not be here to celebrate Christmas with the people who did love her. So many people who didn’t even know this child feel the grief of her loss – So many people who hoped that by some miracle she was still alive. She lives on in a video made of her singing the song “You Are My Sunshine” in the voice of a toddler who cannot quite get the words or tune quite right. You can ask why over and over and there will never be an answer that makes sense.

So many people I know must feel their lives are fragmented; changed in ways they never expected, through loss of loved ones and loss of jobs. I know they are hurting. I keep them in my prayers and I hope they can move toward better times and the road will not be long and difficult. I hope that they are shown kindness and a lot of care right now – that they are not alone in their pain. I hope they are given peace, strength and hope this Christmas. I hope they will be okay.

For KP, MB, MM, RM, and JK.

And for anyone who was touched by Caylee and loved her. And for anyone who is having a hard time during this holiday season.

Take care,

Jules

Christmas Past - Remembered and Missed

2008-12-14T10:30:00.002-05:00

(Written By Jules):

This year, my 12 year old son has asked for an iPod for Christmas. We have decided, however, that a less expensive MP3 will most likely be what he gets. Being that he’s on the immature side, loses things such as his winter coat on a cold snowy day last week (it did turn up in his locker at school), his $15.00 Virgin mobile top up cell phone (again, went the cheap route because of his track record) and countless school supplies – he’s already on a second round of new supplies and it’s only December), the same brand less expensive MP3 that I personally own will be what he gets. It will still have to be heavily monitored because of the high probability of it turning up missing, or found in my washing machine…

I started thinking about the things I got for Christmas when I was a kid, particularly around his age, or a little younger. There was my transistor radio, no doubt a Christmas gift, a little handheld one in a brown leather case with a strap. I do not remember the brand name. It required some effort to get it to work at times, probably due to dying batteries since I played the thing constantly – pressing the 9 volt battery up against the connectors, holding it this way or that way, whatever it took to get the best reception from CKLW out of Detroit/Windsor. Transistor radios are pretty prehistoric compared to how we access music today, but nothing opened up the world to me like the music that came, often crackly, from that little radio. Music was my escape from things that were hard on the not so popular loner kid that I was. Music in many ways was EVERYTHING to me. It made me feel happy. I could listen to music and forget that I didn’t like school, that I was a shy kid and struggled socially. Music connected me somehow to the world, and helped me get through. Thank you Elton John!!! No, I didn’t have an MP3 player but I had what most of us did during the 1970s – and it was enough. It was more than enough. It still makes me feel good to think back on the many happy hours I spent listening to that radio.

I went through my Barbie stage for awhile, but I never actually owned my own Barbie. Rather, I inherited my sister’s dolls, which were probably circa 1960, possibly original versions of Barbie, with the heavily lined lids and the high ponytail. My sister had a “Midge” doll too who wasn’t too cute. We had Skipper who was a kid doll, Barbie’s little sister. It wasn’t until I got Barbie’s English cousin (later I think she was plugged as Barbie’s sister) “Stacie” in 1968 that I felt I had a cool doll. To me, Stacie was the hottest doll in the collection of Barbies (unlike kid Skipper or Midge). She was up to date, red hair with bangs, a side swept ponytail (which would require extensions if you wanted to recreate the look today) and eyelashes. I thought Stacie emulated total beauty. I wanted to look just like her when I grew up. Never was there a more beautiful doll than Stacie. I can still remember the rubber/plastic smell of that doll when I opened the box on Christmas - Stacie by Mattel.

There were other things I remember like Liddle Kiddles, an Alice in Wonderland watch, a Mickey Mouse watch that was “electric” and needed battery (the beginning of the end to the wind up watch), a baby doll early on called Thumbelina that squirmed and moved like a baby. But my brother had the toy I truly wanted, Mattel’s “Thingmaker” and the molds for Creeple Peeple. A little heating unit which could most likely send a kid to the ER with third degree burns melted different colors of PlastiGoop that was squeezed into molds set on the unit – the plastic “set” somehow while emitting unbelievable fumes throughout the whole house while my worried mother, downstairs, would scream up to his room, “You are going to burn the house down – and that awful smell!” He wasn’t banned from using it (I honestly don’t think my parents knew what they were buying when he asked for it and they never took it away from him and I don’t remember any recalls of it being a dangerous toy – which indeed it was) and we ended up with rubber ghoulish monster heads made from the goop that we stuck on our pencils. I can still see the face of one ghoul in particular – you could glue little rhinestones onto the ears of this creature. I can still remember watching my brother cooking that goop in those molds with the stench permeating the air – while he chewed gum. He didn’t let me in his room often but I think he must have felt he had something with his Thingmaker and loved to demonstrate it. He knew I was jealous.

One last thing I want to mention – K-Tel’s 22 Explosive Hits LP. It was advertised on TV nonstop. I knew the order of the songs, the photos of the artists, and I wanted that LP. None of the songs were full length – they were all shortened to fit the 22 songs on this piece of vinyl. There was a song called “Popcorn” by Hot Butter, done on Moog synthesizers (if you don’t know it, check this out and I’m sure it will come back to mind… http://www.blogger.com/. K-Tel LPs and 8 tracks – yes, 8 tracks – were popular during the 1970s. Although I can’t find a You Tube for the commercial for 22 Explosive Hits, this one comes close… http://www.blogger.com/ . My cousin and I both got “22 Explosive Hits” for Christmas one year and we talked about it constantly. There was “Chicaboom” by Daddy Dewdrops, “One Bad Apple” by the Osmonds, “If Not For You” by Olivia Newton-John, and a bunch of songs long forgotten and artists never heard of again. What was so “explosive” about these hits, I am not sure, but my cousin and I thought it was a big deal and we wore our LPs out.

I miss childhood anticipation and those long ago Christmases. I wouldn’t trade it for another era for anything. I can’t hear the music of Vince Guaraldi’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas” without thinking of my childhood – particularly, “Christmas Time Is Here” or “Skating,” imaging snowflakes falling to that lovely piano piece. There were no iPods back then but I was happy listening to AM radio on that transistor. It’s what we had. It was cool to us. There is no more Mr. Jingaling or Santa Claus set up for two weeks after Thanksgiving at the Ben Franklin store in my home town – things change, sometimes sadly – but I remember them, and those memories are always with me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE – FROM JULES

Sometimes I get to feelingI was back in the old days - long ago
When we were kids, when we were young,
Things seemed so perfect - you know,
The days were endless, we were crazy, we were young,
The sun was always shining - we just lived for fun.

Lyrics to “These Are The Days Of Our Lives” – Queen

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T16:11:00.002-05:00

By Hennessy:

Permit to begin by wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. Perhaps I should say, a Meaningful Thanksgiving. You see, this is the one holiday we gather as family not to exchange toys, gifts, bad fruitcake, or watered down eggnog. This is the day we come together, as family, as friends, as one.

We are where we are because of many things; jobs, childhood homes, family nearby. You are where you are because that is hopefully the ideal place where you are in comfort, peace, and love. True, we only live in houses, but it is what is inside that makes it a home, and so very special. It is the people, the memories, and pictures of your life from a time gone by on the walls. Sometimes, it can be merely the smell of a good meal that rekindles a smile from your mind of when your mom or grandma cooked or baked. Memories; may they never dwindle or disappear.

Thanksgiving is a time of gathering as I have said. We travel this day more than any other to be with those we care so much for, love so dearly, and wish to spend this meaningful day with. Planes, trains and automobiles criss-cross the globe joining loved ones to celebrate a day of cherished times and laughter. We sit at a table, across from one another, and on this day, we talk. I find this humbling as out of the three hundred and sixty five days of they year, we get this day to talk. We speak of all that we have done and been through since we last sat together; the talk is of pride, our accomplishments, a new baby, or maybe grandpa saying he is just glad he woke up today. I find this most amazing that we can cram the previous year into one day of all that we are, of all that we have done. It is a shame we don’t get to do this everyday. I guess we don’t have Ozzie and Harriett for parents and the ‘50’s are just a memory gone by.

For those of you that don’t know a poet by the name of Samuel F. Pugh, I shall introduce him to you. He wrote a poem about our day long ago, I guess back when the words he penned were symbolism over substance. He spoke of having food, but remembering those that went hungry. Work, when others were jobless. A home, and acknowledging that even in his time, some went without. He went on to ask that he remember when he is pain free, that he knows others suffer. Complacency was to be ridden of; it was to be replaced with the understanding he is to help others. For those that cried out for help, give to them, and take nothing for granted. He closed with an Amen. Thank you Mr. Pugh, I too shall do my best in life to honor your wisdom and kindness.

Today, we are to be grateful, thankful and remember why God put us all here. When all of you gather at your tables, and the sights, sounds and smells of this day permeate your mind, give thanks we are not in Baghdad, we are not in an AIDS hospital in Africa, that we are not in a soup line during the Great Depression, and that September 11, 2001, God willing, shall never happen in our lifetime again. Rejoice in the fact that the lights are on, the heat is working and soon after that sumptuous meal, yes, we can all sit back, loosen our pants, and slip deep into that wonderful after turkey food coma. Just don’t forget to buckle when you get up.

As I went to the bakery to get our pecan pies, I passed a car with a license plate bearing the word GR8TFUL. I would be that too if I had the car that the plate was on. But, I have a Harley Davidson, and they don’t, enough said. Yet, that plate got me to thinking about the word "grateful", and just what I am grateful for. This past week here has been rather tumultuous with regards to Jennifer and the treatment she is receiving for her MS. I am not exactly grateful of what it does to her, robs her of and how it saddens me; however, it is helping her to maintain a quality of life she and I can be thankful for. This God forsaken disease has taken away so many things, but it has not worked its evilness and trickery on our souls. I do have to be a caregiver for the rest of my life, but I am grateful that Jennifer smiles at me and tells me I am the bestest caregiver anyone could ever have. It saddens me to hear that, it makes me weep openly and humbles me to no end, but I am grateful and thankful someone in my life lets me know I matter to him or her. And for that, I accept this as a pathway to peace. I cannot think of a better thing in life.

Wherever you are my friends, and whoever is at your home, I sincerely hope that you have a most magnificent day. My table is already set here, the vases of flowers adorn it and I sat and polished the silverware all afternoon. I shall cook and serve Jennifer our holiday meal and after we unfold our hands and our prayers have been said, we shall sit by the candlelight and well, talk. Our Thanksgiving is just ours, just us together. Being together this day, in love, side by side as the candles flicker on in time, is a joyous occasion I shall forever cherish in my heart. I wish this for all of you. May you enjoy your talks on this Thanksgiving day and God bless you all.

Humbled and Blessed

2008-11-23T14:39:00.002-05:00

Written By Hennessy:

To think I rode my Harley just three days ago and now there is 3 inches of snow on the ground is rather hard to grasp. But, if you live where we do, you have come to expect this weather as a right of the calendar. Rarely, do we get out of this time of year without snow. Being a biker, I do not exactly welcome this, however, it is time for the seasons to change, and the snow to fly here. What it also indicates is that Thanksgiving is here upon us once again. I love this day, and for it to be snowing is just so much more enjoyable.

As I sit and watch the snow fall slowly from the sky and into our lives, I feel so humbled and blessed. I cant exactly put my finger on it why the snow just makes this particular day so captivating. Any other day it snows I really don’t care to enjoy it, but this day makes it just that much more special. It tells us to be home, for this holiday, together with family and be amongst the ones we care so dearly about. Perhaps knowing that we don’t have to leave the house for any reason is why I am enjoying the snow. It is telling me that there is nothing outside, that the snow is a barrier to hold me in my warm home with the one I so dearly love, my wife, Jennifer. No need to venture into this cold arctic, just stay inside and let the day work its magic into our souls. A day of thanks, a day of love, time to sit together and smile. If there is such a thing as a snow god, I thank him.

This day is not about gifts, malls, returns, or commercialism. It is the one-day of the year we assemble for visiting and family that has really only the purpose of gathering together for friendship. A day to reflect, a time to talk and a setting of peacefulness. The dinner table has been heralded as the pulpit of speeches. We gather and sit amongst our families to visit. No gifts, just talking. A lost art I think that has escaped so many of us. But why? Sure, we make some phone calls long distance, laugh and relive the year we have missed out on together. We wave at the neighbors, maybe even send an email. I don’t really understand why we don’t do this each and every day. What hold does this day have on us that we assemble and tell one another about our last years life’s worth. At least we have this day, we should not be greedy. This day is not for that; it is for cherished moments at the table.

So let it snow then. Let feet of it accumulate and hold us hostage with one another so that the clock does not tell us it is time to go. May the snow fall upon our roofs and blanket us with more time to spend together. Wrap us up in laughter; remind us we can stay for another hour or so before our departures. It is OK... we can shovel later.

My day will be spent in my kitchen. I will leave it to be with my best girl, and sit her down at our table and light the candles and just hold hands in the twinkling of the flickering light. I will hear in my distant memory the words and the laughter that once came from this table. Memories of my father carving the bird as he called it. My mum in her apron. My two brothers side by side across from me. I shall pause, recall, and smile. I wish they were here now with me to talk. Just for this day. I wish the snow would bring them to me. Come home, come back. Just for one day. Sit with Jennifer and I, say hi to Izzy our dog. Bask in the warmth that is our home. Sit, and please stay for just a while.
I can’t wait to cook. I have so looked forward to this day. My mum labored tirelessly to prepare this meal of thanks for our family. To me, it is a labor of love I cannot get enough of. The smells, the taste of the feast; memories. I look back at the Thanksgiving days we have spent together in our marriage. It is storybook and will forever adorn my mind. I am a homer, and this day is my day at home. I love my wife, and home with her is heaven on this earth of ours. So let it snow, keep me inside where I am shielded from the world and let me savor this day and pray to God my many thanks for letting me enjoy it and be here for it. Thanks, for giving us the snow. The heavens have blanketed us with comfort, I for one shall enjoy the quiet storm outside, for I know that in my home, there is just peace inside these four walls. May God bless us and let us be humbled.

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

2008-11-15T15:48:00.002-05:00

I know I’m not perfect. No one is. A flawed gemstone isn’t even realized until it cracks in 2. I was close to cracking the last month or so. The flaws, worries and stressors are still being camouflaged to the best of my abilities. I find that deep breaths and wine help, but not as much as my friends.

There are times in my life that I should have taken a right turn but I chose to turn wrong instead. But as StoryPeople so rawly states, I am only strong enough for a life of partial virtue. And that my friends, is why I need a REWIND button. Well, of course WE ALL could use one of those but I find I am in need of one more often than I care to admit. (What the hell is up with that?)

I try not to judge and I ask others to do the same. Thank God for my friends who have had to put up with me a lot the last couple of weeks.

Don’t judge and you’ll never be wrong. Thanks for that.

Things are finally starting to look up a bit but I think some irrevocable damage was done. I was less than pleased with some of the answers I received this week but I’ll deal with it.

You can sew it up but you still see the tear (U2 – The Sweetest Thing).

I’d like to rewind a lot of things I’ve done in life but all we can do is learn from our mistakes, mishaps, and bad choices (no matter how good it felt at the time).

But what do you feed a hungry soul?

And leave it my friend Hennessy to remind me of two very important things:

1. The strongest of us were forged by the hottest fires of hell

2. Three can keep a secret if two are dead

Big thanks. Much love.
_______________________________________________

What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends
Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Her Name is Misty

2008-11-09T10:39:00.002-05:00

Written by Jules:

This morning, I went to Oberlin with my sister to visit a favorite store of mine, Bead Paradise, before we headed to Wellington to hit a wonderful little coffee shop for lunch. My sister was hoping to get ideas for Christmas at the bead store, which is an amazing place - there is so much there that one can become totally overwhelmed and decisions can be difficult at best. After our trip there, we went into a little flower shop so that my sister could look for a card. It was in this little store that I made an encounter that has stayed with me all day, and probably will forever.

I wasn't particularly interested in looking around the store, as my funds were limited and there was nothing I needed, but I soon noticed in the back of the store a small collie dog. The dog was sleeping and not paying much attention to us. Within a few feet of where I was standing, there was another collie. I was not sure if she was friendly. I called to her and after a few attempts, she rose from her position and came to me reluctantly. She let me pet her, but what I noticed right off was a distant, far away feeling from this beautiful dog. She was aloof, a bit afraid. I kept talking to her and she looked at me, but she did not react much. She reminded me of how my calico cat Ginger behaved when she first came to live with us.

Ginger had been a shelter cat, having lived in a cage for at least six months before finally ending up with Erieshores, who put her in a foster home where she lived during the week with a family and other homeless cats. On Saturdays, Ginger and other Erieshores cats went to Petsmart where the hope was someone would adopt her. On a Saturday in late January 2002, I was at Petsmart, and happened to see Ginger. It was 3 months after my calico cat Lily had passed. They looked so much alike. Ginger became a member of our family one week later.

The dog at the flower store, I learned from the lady who owned her, had lived in a kennel for 7 years - her entire life. She lived in a cage and was kept for breeding purposes. At some point, her vocal cords had been snipped to prevent her from barking. The beautiful collie's name was Misty. Her owner told me that Misty has had very little socialization. When they adopted her, she wanted only to go into a cage they kept in their house. They soon realized they couldn't let her stay at home during their work hours so they brought her to the store. They have had her for three months. Misty does not wag her tail. She does not seem to be able to react back to affection or attention. But after three months, her new owners feel she has made some progress. They were told it could take as long as a year to help her acclimate to a loving home and respond back. After sitting on the floor in this flower shop, petting Misty and talking quietly to her, my heart broke. I could have cried.

I do know, though, that on the one day a week my son has his guitar lesson, and my husband and I go for burritos at Agave Burrito Bar, we are also going to visit Misty in that flower shop to see how she is doing and to get to know her a little better. I want to see light in this beautiful dog's eyes and not the fear and emptiness I saw today. With the owners who have her now, I believe strongly that in time, just like my cat Ginger, that Misty will come around. She has a chance now. She has a chance to know a life with caring and loving people.

President-Elect Barack Obama's election night speech in which he told his daughters that they had earned a new puppy and that puppy would be going with them to the White House, has captured the attention of the media, but especially the attention of those who work with or are committed to animals in shelters. The family hopes to adopt a shelter dog. And I hope they do too. It will send a message out that it is absolutely THE RIGHT THING TO DO and perhaps can help other dogs like Misty and cats like Ginger get good homes with people who will love them.

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace." - Milan Kundera

Girls' Night Out - West Virginia Style

2008-10-19T14:31:00.002-05:00

I know. I’m so very more New York Style (which might be the next destination) and I’ll be the first to admit the housing in the area was more than frightening (and those were the homes that didn’t have their Halloween decorations out yet), but an animal grooming business called “Doggie Style” made us laugh out loud despite ourselves!

Welcome to West Virginia!

And yes, just like Vegas, what happens in West Virginia, stays in West Virginia…at least to some extent.

Mountaineer Casino was the destination of choice. A friend of ours had been there numerous times and thus the idea was born…I planned “Girls’ Night Out.”

It was a beautiful drive down. The fall foliage was amazing and vibrant. The earthy hues of nature surrounded us as we talked and giggled and almost missed several important exits!

I thought how much Hennessy might like to ride his bike this way because he spoke so adoringly of this season. I thought how thrilled we all were to be getting away from the stressors we have – and boy do we have them! I thought of some other friends and one other person I might enjoy spending this much time with – on a destination to fun and trouble. The mind wanders…lost in fantasy and far from reality, which, after all, was the point of the trip.

The narrow bridge we took over from OH to WV had our driver white-knuckled. I didn’t look down. I prayed with my eyes closed and teeth clenched. I needed a glass of wine, or three, or maybe a bottle.

We had the car valet parked. I checked us in. I was still a little nervous it might not pan out as planned. You see, I had to rely on others, which I hate to do, but it was necessary… he said he’d make the call. Sometimes people offer to do things and they don’t come through. This was not the case. (I, of course had a PLAN B). There was absolutely no problem at all though and, instead of 11:00 AM, we received a NOON check out. SWEET!

He gave the word.

Our rooms were COMPED.

Nice.

Ravenous after the trek, we went to Gatsby’s for burgers. (Next time, we’ll try the 5-star Restaurant, La Bonne Vie). After that, a quick tour of the casino and then, time to gamble. Some of the slots were silly (CashSquatch, MIB, etc) but they paid. It was cool to spin a “bonus” which could last anywhere from 5 seconds to a couple of minutes. We moved to various games and hit on and off. It was addictive. We laughed, we joked, spent money, we ate, drank, won money. Everyone was friendly and having a good time. Deeper into the night, it became increasingly more difficult to find an open machine. The place got packed – quick! Noise, smoke and lights filled the casino and you couldn’t help but get caught up in it all.

Being from Ohio, it was strange (and a bit rancid) to see people smoking inside. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to run away or light up myself. I did neither. Later that night we hit the Mahogany Piano Bar and treated ourselves to more cocktails along with Gorgonzola Dip and focaccia bread baked with sun-dried tomatoes. Rich and delicious! Dirty martinis came with olives stuffed with almonds.

The next morning, we hit Gatsby’s again for a quick breakfast. Blueberry pancakes, Belgium Waffles, sides of protein and lots and lots of coffee. We gambled a bit more before heading home.

The sun peaked out on and off to brighten the reds, yellows and oranges coloring the leaves of trees located in the gully and valleys on either side of us. We couldn’t believe how beautiful Ohio truly was during the season of autumn. We breathed it all in remembering that winter would soon be upon us once again.

And so, we decided, whether COMPED again or not,

“We’ll have to do this again.”
___________________________________________

Ships are only safe in harbor
But that's not what ships were built for

Keeping The Faith - At Least Trying To

2008-10-05T12:08:00.003-05:00

Another submission from our friend Jules. Enjoy:

“I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when I cannot feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.”

Written on the walls of a basement in Cologne, Germany, by a Jew in hiding during the Holocaust.

Faith is not an easy thing to me to write about, but I’m going to try. My faith, that is. I’ve always been interested in the faith of others and how they make it work in their lives, obviously making comparisons to my own struggles with belief and trust in God. I would not call myself a particularly religious person, although I have been raised Catholic from the get go and had strong religious influences growing up. Some of them were comforting, and some of them were scary. Today, I have to admit that my thoughts regarding my personal faith have a “confused” aspect to them, since I was taught that God loves, but God also punishes. Prayer life consisted of praying for the sick, those already gone, for something bad to get better and yes, at a more immature stage, for personal things I wanted for myself. Prayer was structured prayers and a little conversation added on for the personal stuff.

I’ve been praying since I could talk and was told to say my prayers. A younger “me” believed in the power of prayer and the answers that came, not always in the obvious way one might expect. Novenas weren’t something to sneeze at. Like everyone else on the planet, I have had hard times physically and emotionally, some difficult and some not as difficult as what others have to face. I felt God was there for me. So what happened? Over the years, my prayer life has taken on a more apprehensive angle – it’s gotten harder. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe. There are times, many times, when I feel myself praying to the air around me, alone. And that silence – well, let’s say I’ve “heard” that silence quite often, and I cannot not help but feel total isolation and abandonment from God. Hope sometimes goes down the drain.

I know that life is no piece of cake – it’s damned hard at times. We have no choice but to learn to accept. Some things, of course, take longer to accept, and some are perhaps never accepted – and this accumulation of loss, a fact of life we cannot escape, can strip your heart of hope. And how can a person live without hope?

Perhaps knowing, through the honesty of others that I am not alone in these feelings has given me a kind of courage, in a way. Opening up to a Catholic priest about the same age as myself, and also to a wonderful sister at the convent of my parish, I have learned that even the most seemingly religiously “intact” among us also feel this spiritual aloneness. I have desperately appreciated their honesty and sincerity in talking about the ups and downs of their faith. They made me feel less “guilty” about my thoughts, less of an agnostic because they, too, fluctuate in the strength and weakness of their faith. I expected to be chastised, but I wasn’t. I found common ground with these people – people who have dedicated their lives to God and the life of the religious. They sacrificed marriage and children to lives in service to a God they cannot visually see, a God they cannot personally have a one-on-one conversation with. They don’t think that much different than I do – well, that may be taking it a step too far, but I felt a lot better about myself for the conversations that we had.

A book written about Mother Teresa was released a few years ago – an account of her spiritual journey and, ironically to those who held her in high regard as the Saint of Calcutta, her spiritual darkness. I doubt she intended for her most personal thoughts, written in letters, to one day be published in a book about her life, but nevertheless, her most private thoughts about her faith, and sometimes lack of faith, were published. Some people were surprised by such admissions that this Nobel Peace prize winner for her humanitarian efforts had her doubts and maybe they were disappointed by this revelation. To a trusted spiritual director, she wrote, “…the place of God in my soul is blank – there is no God in me… He is not there… Sometimes, I feel my own heart cry out, “My God” and nothing else comes – the torture and pain I can’t explain.” I was grateful for her honesty. I felt little less alone myself to read such words from a woman who devoted her life to doing God’s work and helping the poor, even when she felt that silence. But Mother Teresa didn’t give up. I think of all the people she helped, prayed for, administered to, showed kindness and love toward when she felt her own private spiritual darkness. Yet she was a light in a dark world for a lot of people who were desperate for the basic of human needs. I admire her more now just knowing how she personally felt, as well as the sacrifices and good that she did.

The Serenity Prayer – the prayer of AA, the prayer of accepting, courage and wisdom. That prayer actually says a lot of life and coping. I really like that prayer and try to keep it in the back of my mind as much as I can, when I feel discouraged, and am having problems coping with the cold and heartless realities we all must face. It is a good thing to focus on – a little hope in a dark and confusing world. And we have to have hope – as difficult as it may be sometimes to really hang on to when the going gets rough. But without hope, you may as well never get up in the morning. The world is too difficult a place to cope without it – faith too. People search for meaning and purpose in their lives and maybe sometimes we just aren’t going to find it in the way we want. My faith may have its ups and downs and I may fluctuate during the course of a day. I will have my doubts and my fears. I’m human. I am geared to question. I hope God understands. Because I have to believe He is there, in all this silence.

Changing Seasons Changing Lives

2008-09-28T06:53:00.001-05:00

(Written By Hennessy)

Autumn.

Fall.

We have come to recognize this season of the year by both names. I prefer autumn. It just sounds prettier and conjures up a nice image in my mind. The colors of the leaves appear to be prettier when I think of autumn. I guess fall is a signal to a change coming, a time when something disappears, and reappears as something else.

Winter.

I am not fond of winter, especially since I live in Cleveland, Ohio. Even though I prefer autumn, things did change for me in my life, and I suppose that is why I don’t like fall. Wake me up, when September ends.

I say that because of my brother, Bill. I lost him in September and, in October, I lost my brother, Mark. Fall; the fall of my brothers. That is why I prefer autumn. Perhaps I fell too after they left me. I wonder if I ever made it back up again. Sometimes I am not so sure now that both of them are not with me anymore. Two people I sometimes think I have let slip from my mind. Two brothers I need yet they don’t answer me when I call to them. The silence is maddening at times; not hearing or seeing them anymore. To have them both gone is just tragically sad for me. I miss them terribly. I wonder a lot what we would have been like as brothers now at this time and age of our respective lives. I can only wonder, as they are not here to let me witness what might have been.

Perhaps this season of change is something that I don’t really understand since I feel so sad that my brothers cannot share in it; this special time of nature. It is rather cruel I feel that we cannot be as family and talk about just how pretty it is now. I do feel rather lost watching the leaves turn to brilliant colors without them. Maybe watching the changes in the leaves is telling me that life changes, and that even though the leaves do disappear, they do return. Could it be that nature is telling me that they are here, and have returned in spirit and are with me now? I will ponder this always and wonder if it is true. When the leaves all come back, are they there? Are they both as full of life as the newly adorned trees are? Can they see me as I see them? I wonder.

When my memory of them rests, I shall never forget what I lost. Wake me up, when September ends. Summer has come to pass, the innocence can never last, wake me up, when September ends. Every memory of walking out the front doorI found the photo of the two that I was looking for. It is hard to say it, but time to say it, good-bye, good-bye my brothers. Let my wishes be those that one day you return to me in spirit, like the returning leaves that left in autumn. May they be bright, full of life, and always wave in the wind, a sign telling me you are there.

I do like autumn, and this change it brings me each crisp day when the leaves are beginning to come down. It helps me relive those days I so wish I could have just one more time. I know there is a time where there will be a return of innocence. Watching as the leaves change, from one shade to the next, makes me aware that you cant keep things constant. Time and change are a given as they never stop for even one minute, one day, one year. Seasons come and go, memories are made in each, yet memories of days from the past are lived during this time as well. Perhaps this is what I long for, a change that brings them back, not just as a memory, but also as my brothers and their spirits. I will continue to watch the leaves change, be swept away by the wind, and think of them and smile. Maybe that breeze is them laughing, speaking to me. I hope so. Till then, I will wake when September ends, and wait for them. Come back Bill and Mark, come back to me. Do you see the tears in my eyes as the sun sets here? Do you see me waiting for you? Let me know when you are here with me. I would love to be your brother once again as my life needs that void filled you left me with. I am not angry, just lonesome for your faces. I miss you. Just wake me when you get here.

Milestone

2008-09-13T15:41:00.003-05:00

My friend Jules had been dreading a certain event with a little fear and apprehension. She captured it as best she could in words. She needed to express this for herself and for others, and so, I offered this blog as a safe haven of sorts. Please read and enjoy Jules very first post below. We hope she will continue to contribute here along with Hennessy and me.
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I turned 50 years old this past spring. It was something I had thought about for years - – the reality of actually being a half a century in age. It was not something I was looking forward to. I saw the age of 50 as an end to whatever “youth” was still left in me, as if it was the truly “over the hill” mark. I would no longer be looked at the same way, valued the same way, as if outside forces in my life were all the mattered – what others thought. I felt a certain amount of “stigma” attached to being a 50-year-old woman. For a good five years, I didn’t like saying my age either – I’m 45, 46…” But telling someone I was 49, well, I might as well have said I was already 50. I spent the winter months before my birthday (I am not a winter person anyway) pondering this inevitable birthday with total dread.

There was no awakening to the acceptance of being 50. It just came. In retrospect, my biggest critic about this age thing was no one other than myself. I bought into the idea of 50 being something negative, and it was me who attached that label of “over the hill” and “end of youth” to who I am. The Buddha quote, “You are what you think, and with your thoughts you make the world” made a whole lot of sense to me. Maybe turning 50 is something honorable - even if this world is obsessed with youth and being superficial.

I found it was far worse to think about turning 50 than being 50. I had friends who did kind things for my birthday – gave me interesting and unique gifts – friends who treated me to lunch, family who gave me not one but two birthday parties. I quite honestly think that my 50th birthday was possibly one of the nicest, if not the nicest birthday in my memory. It was because others went out of their way to make me feel special. And I did. All 50 years of me.

The actress Jamie Lee Curtis turned 50 last fall, about 5 months before I did. She has, in the past year, embraced who she is, not ashamed to pose on the cover of a magazine in her underwear showing her middle-aged body (she still looked pretty good to me though) with no makeup. She’s okay with her age. Yes, she looks older than she once did but somehow she emits a vitality that to me is far more attractive than being a physically youthful 20 something. I quote her thoughts about aging, “Aging is God’s way of telling me there is no time to waste.” She views life now as a time to shed bad behavior, work on the good, to continue to grow and be happy in who you are. She’s right. In the past year, I’ve worked to drop a few pounds, embark on a walking program for health benefits as well as a time to clear my head of all the crap this world throws at me that I often can’t do a thing about. I like the idea of “shedding” the negatives – the thoughts, the bad habits, a few pounds, and work on making what I can’t change things I move away from, or learn to accept.

“Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age.”
~Victor Hugo

On Year Later...

2008-09-08T18:10:00.002-05:00

They said to me: "It will be interesting to see where your life is a year from now…”

A year after I lost my job because I wouldn’t move/conform …

A year after I lost my work-friends…some who lost their jobs for the same reason as me…some who hung on but wondered for how long…

A year after I lost my comfort zone…

A year after I lost my seniority, vacation, freedom…

A year after I lost my “untouchable-ness” and security and semi-golden-girlness…

After several years of just losing it all…

I’m still here.

My one-year work anniversary came and went like any other day. No congratulations, no cake, no pop, no mention, no nothing. The day before, my boss offered some semblance of recognition but only because he would be out of town the next few days and knew I considered that a “gift” in and of itself! Plus I reminded him repeatedly (think monetarily here) but to no avail.

My former boss would have remembered.

Mostly, I just wanted the raise. The rest I knew.

At my former gig, they would have had my review and raise prepared ahead of time. I would have received a commemorative key chain and, much smoke would have been blown up my ass. I wouldn’t realize it until years later, of course.

Supposedly my review and raise will be forthcoming.

Have I mentioned I’m jaded?

Too bad when he came to visit or rather made his “rounds” (as I like to call them) today, I was on the phone…all I got was the handshake…not the never-ending type…no shoulder squeeze…barely a gaze into the eyes because I was on an unimportant phone call.

Working.

Of course he couldn’t be expected to realize… but part of me can’t help but wonder if there would be some minute flash of disappointment across his face for the lack of knowing or not being foretold… that after all the changes, they didn’t do right by "one of us”. Especially the “one of us” he felt compelled to issue a bonus too. (It seems that a bonus in general is done rarely and whole-heartedly, unlike reviews.)

The “one of us” who had to answer all the tough questions with honesty and integrity because she was going to give him a chance and a very ever-elusive piece of trust to eventually break into fragments. Probably.

They don’t know what it’s like outside of “their” realm of reality. Sometimes you need to go outside the bubble and beyond the gate to see the real world that exists.

I think it’s high time I burst the bubble.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

2008-08-31T15:20:00.002-05:00

(A prediction that, by being voiced, causes itself to come true.)

Well then, I want to be happy and healthy and I want my friends and family to be happy and healthy too…being content will not suffice! I predict it and I belive it and I’ve voiced it.

If only it were that simple.

When he asked me those very pointed questions and I answered as honestly as ever, I told him I went on my interviews and truly didn’t care one way or the other about any one job in particular because I knew I had to land on my feet and that I would…there was no other option. That wasn’t a prediction per se, but a belief and goal and moreover, a FACT!

BUT – to land somewhere decent, was a bonus and a surprise. OK. It was a flippin’ SHOCK. But how long would it last?

The day we found out we were being terminated (because we “chose not too”/refused to relocate), I knew I would land another job – depending on one’s willingness to “give a little” we can all land other jobs…but what kind of job and how willing of a decrease in pay and status one was willing to take was another subject all together. But to land a job where you actually like what you are doing (most of the time), well…If I look at it clearly, I really didn’t give up much. Clarity isn’t by strongest suit though.

I like my job. It’s a little miracle. Especialy when the benefits kind of suck (compared to what you were used too) yet thankfully your boss is willing to “work” with you if you know your stuff. Thank goodness I know my stuff. I almost ended up at a bank. That seems pretty comical now considering all things.

So, as I was saying, I knew I would land a job but to land a damn good one was…? Was it a self fulfillijg prophecy because I believed in it and said it out loud? Did it have anything to do with karma or fate? LUCK? Is it a credit to me at all? Is it surprising that my two predecessors didn’t last more than a year? Was the job THAT difficult or was there something I was missing?

My friend landed his new job well before me. There was so much pride and happiness. No one deserved it more. Big smiles all around. But one year later, my friend goes to work every day taking a huge paycut and hating the job…my friend begins the dreaded job search all over again. This scares the hell out of me. Mostly, I just feel dank inside that his happines was short-loved and fleeting. Selfishly, I can’t help but wonder if I too will become part of this statistic? Will I want to leave a year or so later for greener and brighter pastures? Do they even exist? I can see the flaws in the current system I call “my job” and “my workplace”… and there are ways to prevent and repair them. However, saying you’ll support me and actually being supportive are two very different animals. Beasts. Demons. The “trust” is not there. So much of me is still jaded. We’re still so mistrusting. Sometimes we feel like we’re on the Island of Misfit Toys.

It makes me wonder how and why I landed here though. Fate? Luck? Karma? Self-Fulfilling Prophecy? Honestly I don’t have a clue.

It makes me wonder how my friend landed THERE. Miserable. Was it fate? Karma?
Honestly? No way. No clue. We must have to pass these tests and trials and tribulations…and ultimately choose our courses more or less wisely based on stricter or losser criteria. Clear as MUD! Sometimes you do things for yourself and sometimes you do them for others. You do the best you can with the cards you are dealt. Sometimes decisions are clouded and sometimes there is just a thick fog you can’t cut through. Clarity comes too late too often.

He doesn’t say much but he slowly turns his gaze into this evil, intimidating squint and stare-down. I return the favor before I gradually look away, trying not to vrack a smile, and focus on the event at hand. Like his father before him, he toys with people to demand respect and to obtain information. It’s all bullshit. But you play the game to keep your employment, to stay in good graces and to let them think they are manipulating you when they are simply playing into your hand without the slightest notion. And eventually, when the timing is just right, you go for the jugular…to get what you want…because no matter where we end up, like it or not, we have to conform at least slightly and play the game.

If only it were that simple.

I predict another very interesting year for us.

Beware of Falling Shoes (Truth IS Stronger Than Hope)

2008-08-21T18:16:00.002-05:00

I see God upon the ceiling
I see angels overhead
And he seems so close
As he reaches out his hand
We are never quite as close
As we are led to understand
(When I Dream of Michelangelo/Counting Crows/Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings)

I relate to these lyrics. So poignant and obvious that God never seems to be as close as we want him to be. Like the way he appears to Adam with fingers barely touching (upon the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel). We could only hope to be so close. So close and yet so far. Just out of reach. Like many, many, many things.

Sometimes he’s closer than you think.

I hold onto hope like a lifeline. It’s different than faith yet similar. Some people lose faith – for
awhile, forever, for good reasons and for poor ones too. We have one life. You want to have faith in it and in the people in your life. Regrettably, faith can be lost. If and when it happens, the best you can do is hold on to hope. They are intertwined. Connected. Never lose both.

I remember hoping to land a certain job and doing so. I remember hoping to keep a job and it slipping away in front of me like sand through your fingers. I kept trying to scoop in up and hold onto it. Contain it. It turned into water...then air. Invisible but somehow giving me something to breathe in and…hope for.

I’d learn new techniques and take new classes. They’d offer me false hope, which is better than no hope at all. I’d throw myself into it and make it my primary focus to the point of obsession – to the point of OCD actually. It still slipped away – just of reach. HOPE would spring it’s beautiful notions to me and rumors would lead me to believe I could be saved. Liars. Judases! And then it all came crashing down. The ones I counted on to save me simply could not. They were not happy about that. I was unhappier than they will ever know. I lost my security blanket. I lost my mega vacation days, sick days, my comfort zone. I was once untouchable. I liked that spot. I miss it.

I had faith that the certain powers that be could protect me from the ugliness - the foreboding bittersweet panic that would ensue. They couldn’t. But they wanted too. That had to mean something to someone besides me. It didn’t. Exceptions for one meant exceptions for all.

You can’t have that. THEY couldn’t have that.

Truth is stronger than hope. I lost again.

I would start over…I would have no choice but to start over.

From scratch.

With nothing.

…and yet it would not be the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I knew I would land on my feet because I had no other option. I told him that later on. It was an ultimate truth that was known and accepted long before I could ever speak it out loud. It was nice to get the opportunity to tell someone who would be a little amazed by it. Baffled.

I would hope to do all of it with grace and dignity. Faith crept in along the way. Faith in myself. Faith in starting over. Faith in landing a job with my own capabilities with no help from anyone.

Maybe I’d be OK.

I could only hope to survive and yet had faith that I would – no matter what - there was no other acceptable option. That was the resounding and annoying advice in my head...there is no other acceptable option." (Key word: acceptable)

I had hoped that someone would see this seeding dandelion as a chance for wishes (come true) and wonders and WOWS instead of a potential for weeds.

I struggle with faith – like many. I’m grateful for friends and people like Ann Lamott who write books and admit their struggles too. Good to know one is not alone in times of strife. Misery loves company, right?

The truth is that loss is a part of life. He couldn’t be saved and neither could I. People lose jobs. People lose lives. Hardly a comparison. She lost the use of her limbs. They lost a child. He lost his freedom. We lost our 4-day work weeks. Wait…that’s hardly a comparison.

Everything after that was nothing. I had hoped for a better outcome. What I got was the truth. What I know is this:

Truth is stronger than hope.

Somehow, we have to be strong enough to handle the truth. Perhaps that is where faith kicks in.

Too many times, I felt like I was at the epicenter – the point directly above the place where things would start to shake and become scary as hell. And I survived that. Losing a job was nothing to me because I had lost so much more already. We have all lost things that meant more to us than a job or… a 4-day workweek.

It was my empirical belief that once one shoe fell the other would surely follow.

I can only hope that enough time passes to make me stronger between the shoe falls…to make us all stronger between shoe falls.
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God, it’s so painful, something that’s so close
And still so far out of reach…
(American Girl/Tom Petty/Remake by Goo Goo Dolls)
(Click the link for this...it ROCKS!)

Let Go...Let God

2008-08-17T08:06:00.001-05:00

(Written By Hennessy)

When does one stop the insanity and break all the rules to stand up for someone or something that you hold in your heart and it is the right thing to do? When do you quit believing what you are being told and take matters into your own hands? At what point in your life do you become so frustrated that you make a leap of faith and go against all odds to get what it is that you so desire?

It is now. Time has ticked on for too long and I am not waiting anymore. Enough is enough.

I have this vision of a scenario in my head that has been there for quite a while now. It has lain dormant for too long. It has also been spurred to come forward out of the shadows and into hopeful fruition by a recent event. A man amongst men has passed just a month ago and I have become incensed to see that a legacy that has not been born yet happens. I do this not for him alone, but for all who suffer terrible inflictions of incurable diseases. I do this more so for my wife, Jennifer. I am sick of political rhetoric, lies, mindless double speak and the incessant babble I am hearing from our government regarding stem cell research. I realize I am up against Goliath here, not to mention the Bible, but I am tired of it all. I am weary of watching my wife day after day struggle just to walk a few steps. I have grown despondent and have realized I need to be her martyr. I need to be so many things to her; this one is not going to be easy.

With my back up against the wall and with insurmountable challenges and odds, I still feel like I can muster this endeavor. If a person does not stand for something, they will fall for anything it is said. I stand for Jennifer because she needs me to help her stand. Being in one another’s shadows forces you to learn that person almost as much as you know of yourself. You become one with them. You want so badly to have it all, not for yourself, but for them. It is a battle sometimes, and you win some, but you don’t win the war. That is what I want to erase; the war. I want it over and I want it now. I can’t bare it sometimes to see her struggle with the simplest of tasks. Walking is a chore. I am scared for her and I cry a lot when she is not around. I am tired of crying. I am tired of bad answers to our questions. I am tired of red tape, protocol, being silent, and excuses. I feel at times we are being lied to about a cure. A cure? When? That is my question. Enough with the poisons, the exams, the bullshit. I want more.

I want to confront the highest person known who can answer, and I do mean answer to my satisfaction, my questions. Why? When? It is all drugs, nothing else. That’s just maintenance. That is bullshit and not good enough. How much longer are we to believe there is no cure on some horizon for this disease? Are we being led to think that someday there will come this cure? I get so frustrated anymore. I am not one to continue to be told what I think are lies and misgivings. How about all the drug companies that came out of nowhere a few years back with maintenance drugs. One day there was nothing, then BOOM--- 3 choices. I find this all hard to accept. I watch every day as my wife struggles to do the simplest of things. It just tears at me to see this. She and I were not ones to think bad things would ever happen to us, and now look. When does it all just stop?

Today was an especially good and bad day. So many things went right. And then it hit her, like bricks falling out of the sky. Too many to dodge and get out of the way from. Why? We had such a nice day together; in a flash it all went sour. That is what just amazes me as how quickly things can change. Almost in an instant, you go from greatness to dismal. It has such an odd way of playing with you, toiling with your emotions along the way. The fairness of this unexplainable phenomenon is a mystery that has to have an answer. I struggle to understand the complexity of it all. The emotional roller coaster is sometimes a ride I wish not to ever go on; yet, I have no choice but to ride along. Each turn, every slope or down hill is always a new venture that grips you and holds onto you and never gives a second thought to let go. Racing emotions, turbulent, bumpy feelings and all your thoughts and fears run the course along side one another. Some days, I just want to get off this ride, but I can’t, nor do I really want to.

I don’t think that any time soon I am going to get my answers to my questions. I tease my wife about all the questions she asks of others, or of me, but she wants to be well informed and I think that she is just that. Her ability to learn is staggering since most people feel they have learned just enough in life or about life to try and get along in life. Those are the ones that drift aimlessly without any sort of compass or direction as to where they are headed. I wish to be more like her; aware and focused and smart. I adore this quality in her. It is just one of the many emotions of love I have for her. She is everything to me. For this reason, I just want for her to enjoy being who she is. I so wish for her to be happy in life and savor all that is at her feet and for the taking. I want answers because I want her well and want something good to happen again in her life.

That vision probably wont happens either. My scenario is with the government, asking them questions and looking for answers. I am not an athlete, a movie star, rock star or anyone famous. I am I. I have nothing to offer, yet plenty to give. I am who I am and I cannot be the one to change what is so desperately needed in a cure for this. So close, yet oceans and hemispheres away. That is hard to take sometimes; it’s a big dose to swallow. You just imagine how much better you want it for your wife yet you can’t stand up and scream, “Listen to me!” All I have is the hope in my heart for her. A hope with a burning light that won’t be put out, even for lack of trying, to get those elusive answers. I can’t fight the government. I am not powerful enough. But I will never give up or give in and I will do all in my powers for my wife.

That higher power I earlier spoke of is not the government. It’s much more human and kind. That power I seek is God. I need to pray more and do it more than anything else. This is where my answers will be coming from - no place else. I shall seek the high heaven above and ask for miracles. As if answers aren’t enough, I want a miracle too. Perhaps, it will come in the form of something being done for everyone. Let God be our light and our hope. Through prayer, perhaps I will find out in my lifetime that perhaps this will all just one day go away because of a cure. Is it stem cells? I don’t know. It seems to be the answer. Let it be. God in Heaven let it be. I pray for my wife God, please here my prayers and help her. Let her live life God; let her live it in any, which way she wants. Answer her prayers as she seeks guidance from you. Reach down and help her. Come to her aid, please. Give her strength, give her freedom to move and walk. Take away any pain from her and release her from the grip she has wrapped around her. I have yelled enough. I have come to the realization I won’t get my answers from anyone but you.

I scream for something to be done. I whisper to you, Dear God, grant her every wish. Give her and I the power to hold onto the hope that someday, there will be something amazingly good that comes from all of this. We have changed, we have adapted. We have held onto our hopes and dreams. Yet we seek you for more help. I ask now that you help us get her over that rainbow to the other side where is peaceful. She is my sunshine, in our life there is much rain; with your help, we ask that you build us that rainbow from that sun and rain.

Lord, hear our prayers.

The Riders, The Witch and The Wardrobe

2008-07-20T14:57:00.004-05:00

I had the pleasure of hanging out with Hennessey and company one night.

I heard the roar of the bikes and met some of their riders. I learned a few things about friendship, brotherhood, history, freedom, and rider names.

We also met a very nice witch - a practicer of Wicca. She would give Glenda a run for her money.

I’m grateful to have “Henny” as my friend and feel completely honored that he asked me to be part of his inner circle and safe haven. The Inner Sanctum if you will.

It’s always good to escape reality whenever possible. But when an event occurs that enables you to do just that, the first question that comes to mind is, what’s a girl to wear? My posse and I came dressed in black tops – of course – because that’s always a safe bet. My Harley Davidson wedge sandals were obviously the right choice.

The way one dresses reflects much about them – not just their personal style, or lack thereof, but also, like riding, their sense of freedom. Some of us are obviously “free-er” than others. The idea of ‘less is more’ was not lost here tonight however, we were cool and classy and that wasn’t lost either.

So there we were with a crowd of ‘bad boys’ (and girls) that ended up being a bunch of good guys (and girls). And we were invited back. I was also given the honor of open invitation to the clubhouse, though I don’t have a clue where it is.

That might be a good thing.

I am definitely looking forward to my next adventure.

Aren’t you?

A Perfect Day

2008-07-17T18:06:00.002-05:00

A Perfect Day...no such thing!

Usually, for me, a good day consists of pizza, wine, laughter and good company. I’m very easy... TO PLEASE, that is.

Sometimes, you have a perfect day. They are rare. Few and far between. But you recognize them instantly. Your hair turns out right. Your makeup looks better than usual. The outfit works (it makes you look thin, even though you need to shed a few pounds). You feel good. No headaches, no vertigo, no shit! And you’re about to hang out with a friend you don’t get to see and hang out with as often as you’d like.

The trek to your destination isn’t a straight shot and there is plenty of construction. You master it with ease. The semi threatening to throw you into the concrete wall decides you can live. Thanks buddy. Thank God!

You ignore your ringing phone.

The sun is shining.

The shoes, 4-inch stilettos, are comfy. Ah, gotta love Gabriella Rocha (Zappos, of course)!

Linkin Park (Shadow of the Day) is blaring through the speakers.

You arrive at your destination just waiting to hang out, relax, drink, laugh, shop, eat and drink a little more. It’s a great day. You know it’s great because you’ve finished a bottle of wine before 11:00 A.M. You know it’s great because it is over in what feels like a blink of the eye. So worth it.

It’s like the day I met my favorite band. It was over in a nano-second but OH SO WORTH IT. You wouldn’t trade it for anything and leave wondering when it’s going to happen again and worry that it won't.

We hit Standing Rock Gallery and I did major damage. Then, we were off to Don Drumms. MAJOR DAMGE x 2 (and then some)! If we had more money, we could have lived there for the remainder of the weekend. Just the most eclectic, beautiful, original, mind blowing pieces of rareness and authenticity and beauty and coolness you could ever behold. Probably my favorite gallery of all I have visited (to date).

I bought my first drawing by Brian Andreas (www.storypeople.com). It’s OK – you either get him or you don’t. We do. You might. Check it out.

After excellent white wine and homemade salsa (regular and mango – both to die for), we hit Chrissy Hynde’s restaurant, The Vegi-terannian, for more wine (of course) and appetizers. We ordered the pizza which, to be honest, we labeled as “salad on bread” but it was good. We also treated ourselves to “Chrissy fries” which, minus the dollop they call cheese (this is vegan my friends, get with the program), were excellent. We could handle the vegan ketchup but the cheese was just another story altogether. I’m not there yet. I love the idea of vegan, and am getting close to incorporating it but you’ve got to make better cheese. I don’t quite dig ricotta to begin with but what they threw on the fries, was, well, indescribable! I know. I try to adhere to the “eat nothing with a face” philosophy and I do so believe in it. But this cheese was…unnatural. UN-FOODLIKE! Sorry.

Still, a great place to try and try again.

I left my friend way too early but wanted to beat the traffic and construction. Let’s face it, Friday afternoon traffic sucks. We’re all in a hurry to get home and enjoy the beginning of our weekend. Fortunately, mine was already off to an unforgettable start.

My drive home was a breeze. I sat outside with one more glass of wine, the sunshine, the cerulean blue sky, a little music in my head, and a little peace and quiet. A little stolen moment of serenity that was all mine after a very fun and exciting day. A day filled with laughter and sunshine, wine and wonders, treasures and friendship…and all around…

A perfect day with a treasured friend.

Fight or Flight?

2008-07-04T15:14:00.002-05:00

I want to have more clarity than I do. Most of the time I fly by the seat of my pants or put out all the fires that spark, flash and spit - then try to engulf me.
Sometimes I stay and fight.
Other times I flee the scene.

I want to be more grounded.

I want to be proactive versus reactive.

I used to be.

Funny when you don’t recognize those things you knew so well about yourself.
But that’s what’s cool about starting over. No one knows you and you can be whoever and whatever you want to be.
Sort of a re-creation.
Still you, but with better nuances.

It’s hard for me to be “committed” to much of anything. There are plenty of reasons for that. Get to close and the illusion is forever spoiled. I don’t want to get too comfortable either – because then you don’t see it coming.

I hate that.

So, among other things, working 5 days a week after several wonderful years of 4 day work weeks – well – it’s claustrophobic to my very being! It messes with my semblance of sanity. With me, occasionally, it’s FIGHT OR FLIGHT. Sometimes I just need to go. Get out. Be FREE. If not, I’ll fight you for all the reasons that make sense and every one that doesn’t. I don’t mean to be combative. I just need to know that I can walk away, from anything…
...and this time, it’s my choice.

I’ve been leaving early and taking days off work pretty much all summer. A caged bird can’t fly but it also won’t sing.

It will sing for freedom.

I want to sing.

So they have to set me free... for a week…

…And if I come back…

…Then it was meant to be.

I WILL COME BACK…

…But that’ll be our secret. Don’t tell them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.
One step – One prayer – I soldier on, simulating moving on
~Alanis Morissette/The Torch/Flavors of Entanglement

Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way
~Linkin Park/Shadow of the Day/Minutes to Midnight

I Believe...That you can keep going long after you think you can't
~Unknown

Good Graces

2008-06-28T13:26:00.002-05:00

At my former gig, I was ingrained in the midst of some very astute, forward-thinking individuals. We worked "beyond well" together.

It was wonderful.

I was untouchable.

I loved it.

I was finally getting those ever-elusive dangling carrots – AKA bonuses!

I was told to ride this ‘wave’ for as long as I could.

That was the plan.

It was short-lived.

Fast forward to my current gig. I received a thank you card and check from them.

A BONUS check.

Correction – a SWEET BONUS CHECK for my "hard word and dedication throughout the year." Funny, I haven't even been there a year yet.

Impressive.

It took some mystery solving skills to figure out the “WHO” (as in “WHO” said to give me the bonus, and yes, I should be more concerned with they “WHY”), but I think it is safe to say, I’m in good graces once again…

And this time…

I plan to stay there.

Whatever it takes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Faith is believing that one of two things will happen,
That there will be something solid for you to stand on
Or
That you will be taught to fly.”

~Unknown

The Dance

2008-06-21T09:23:00.001-05:00

(Written by Jeff; Posted by Kellie)

My movie. I wish to write one. It will be about love, about my wife, about us, and what two soul mates do to enrich one another’s life. It will be a true story, not fiction in any way at all; love is never fictitious or blinded. It will be beautiful, because she is beautiful. Like I said, beauty and the truth.

She is beautiful. I have a special song I play and let the words wander through my mind as I sit and listen to it over and over. The words are extremely powerful, enlightening, and they let us know we are beautiful. Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the puzzle undone. She is beautiful. Words will never bring her down. Nor will her MS. I hate it. Its here. I can’t get rid of it. But the sun shines on her. It beams on us both. The sun will always shine.

I have played this one scene through my mind continuously. It has us dancing in the shadows of one another. Yet the shadows become one, not two. They meld together, not like oil and water. The sun is behind us coming through the windows. It is a very large room we are in, old, stately. We are alone, just together with our smiles aiming at each other. The problem is, neither one of can dance. Dance Lessons.

I grew up never seeing my father perform, he must have been quite good at his craft, and he was known as The Little Shadow. He emulated his partner. Side by side they stepped, never out of rhythm, always in stride for stride. Needless to say, I did not inherit this marvelous form of expressing oneself. I can’t dance. Yet this scene won’t leave my mind. It constantly runs, never stops, it repeats itself over and again. I want to dance with my wife. I want to lead, have her flow across the floor, never out of step, shadows as one. It is painful, I am ashamed, and I can’t teach her. Dance Lessons.

This brings me down; it deeply saddens me and torments me to no end. I’m consumed with this. It has become a passion. Fred and Ginger, Kelly and O’Connor. Jeff and Jennifer. It wont beat me; I have a mission to whisk her all over that hardwood floor, the sun always shining on us. I have to teach her, I can’t go on without living out this dream of us cascading in stride, smiling, laughing, and being in love. No crutches, no chair, no scooter, no canes, just four legs mimicking one another’s movements and flow. Words won’t be spoken, perhaps just a few laughs, and the room echoes with just smiles as if they were mirror images of one another. This day, this sunny afternoon, no one has MS, there are no mentions of it, its gone, and it has left us just for this one special day.

I wonder to myself sometimes if this is all just a mere dream. I’m delirious, so consumed in all of this. Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the voids are painful. Can this be in my grasp? Can I truly teach her how to dance? I have a plan - a drawing in my head, a vision in my eyes. My father was not only a good dancer, he was an engineer. I won’t design any steel mills for the world; however, I did learn a thing or two from him. And with the mindless ingenuity I possess, I can do this. Dance Lessons. It is in my power for I am her Angel. If I truly have earned these elusive wings, I must put my plan into action.

If we are to assume I am an Angel, as she claims often that I am, then it is imperative that we shall have our afternoon. But, you can’t always get what you want and it is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. I have more than any human being should be allowed to have; yet I yearn for more. As I sit and think about it, it is not for me, it is for Jennifer. I want for her. I want her to fly. I believe she can fly. I believe she can. I have to see it, hold it, and make it tangible. It is just a belief; I have this quest to witness this. Thoughts don’t complete what I want for her, it has to be in the palm of my hand to realize it is true.

I will always stand by her; I wont let anyone hurt her. She is the light in front of me that lets me travel down the streets with no names. I guess what that means is that wherever I go, she is there with me, regardless of where it happens to be that I am. I can’t shake her image from my mind. She is in me forever. I love her and will always and forever stand by her. Standing is easy; it’s this damn dance that has me puzzled. Enter my father.

I was not there the day my father passed away. I was not there to tell him all the things I had to say. They say you can listen as well as you hear. Today, at this time in my life, I know I listened to him. His echo is in my tears. Ten years have now passed since he left for Heaven. I miss him terribly every damn day. His departure from this earth left a void, yet an impact in my life. It is his wisdom and intelligence that will get me to the dance floor. Dance Lessons, Duct Tape.

I wear motorcycle boots because I ride a Harley. Funny, they are engineering boots. Coincidence; no. Fate; yes.

I have devised an idea using my boots, Jennifer’s shoes and duct tape. I take my boots off, place her shoes over top of them, and duct tape the shit out of them. Slipping my boots back on, I stand, smile, take her into my arms, and let nature take its course. This is how I shall dance with my wife. No matter what we do, no matter what we say, the sun shall shine on us. We are beautiful, no matter what they say, and words wont bring us down, not today.
Maybe I didn't love youQuite as often as I could haveMaybe I didn't treat youQuite as good as I should haveIf I made you feel second best I'm sorry I was blind. I am no longer blind. My shame is over. You are always, and forever, on my mind. I will teach you, I will lead you.

Let’s dance.

Friend and Art Festivals = Summer Fun

2008-06-15T17:25:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things to do in the summer is hit as many art festivals as possible. June seems to be the perfect month for that.

It started a couple weeks ago in Little Italy. It was hot (90+ degrees – no exaggeration), windy as hell (my hair had seen better days), but also a very fun time. I was fortunate enough to find my red coral Buddha (which I passed up a couple years ago – but not this time) at Xen Gallery. Cool place. Another treasure, a very unique silver metal star, twisted at each point, with a jewel in the center, was purchased at Juma Gallery. This is probably my favorite place. Dinner at Valerio’s with a bottle of Pinot Grigio was excellent. Big thanks to my friends for that perfect night – we laughed a lot during dinner and we all needed that more than anything else.

This weekend was the annual art festival at Crocker Park. They blocked off the main thoroughfare so each side of the street was lined with tents for each artist. There were approximately130 artisans. Though rain threatened the day, not once did we need our umbrellas. Even more surprising, considering the forecast, temperatures were quite manageable and rather pleasant. The event began at 10:00 AM and we arrived at 9:30 AM - because we are smart and - we wanted "first dibs" - on anything and everything that caught our eye! We were able to walk the thoroughfare immediately. It wasn’t crowded at all – barely any patrons so early in the morning. (And this is just another reason why it's good to be a rule breaker in the land of rule makers!) By the time we left, both patronage and temperatures were heating up.

The artisans had many treasures to sell. Everything from jewelry, leather goods, mixed media, pottery and glass art to paintings, photographs, metal and whimsical pieces for home and garden. Though to many to mention by name, my favorite by far would be Glass Designs by David and Susan of Bay Village. I was at their kiosk for quite some time talking to the artist. He signed each piece I purchased. My little piece of art, “so the legend goes, helps channel positive energy (chi), good health and good fortune into the room.” We’ll see! I bought one for home and work - you can never have enough CHI!

I should have purchased the kaleidoscope too – it was over-the-edge cool. Their card says they specialize in flowers, kaleidoscopes and panels. The artist was also personable and had a few fun stories to share. No website listed so I’m thinking “ROAD TRIP!”

This weekend I’m taking a much-needed day off work to catch up with an amazing friend I made while working at the former gig. And I’ll be sharing lots of stories about the new gig – over wine! Soon after, we’ll be well on our way to do major damage at Standing Rock Gallery and Don Drumm’s Studio. I can’t wait.

Is it sickening to say I’ve already purchased some Christmas presents at these events?

______________________________________

Cool quote for today:

If you do things well, do them better. Be daring, be first, be daring, be just
- Anita Roddick

More Thoughts On Counting

2008-06-10T17:05:00.007-05:00

(Written by Hennessy...posted by Kellie):

We take count of everything. Compiling data, events, making recordings and entries to demonstrate and evaluate. There is a census taking in this country, and even throughout the world. Our quest for knowledge is a daily mission. Counting, statistics, tabulations and so on become materials for which to head into the future. I want to head into that future, and I have as of late become a statistic. I am not sure just how I feel about that, but I have no choice now.

Counting and measuring and adding and subtracting give us that essential bottom line figure we seek. But what is it? And what does it mean? You have a count, it's scrutinized, and then its placed in equations. What does it equate to? That means nothing to me now, but I am being counted. I am now a person with a bad heart. A statistic. Just a number. Not even a name anymore, merely a number for scientists to work with. I am an age, a birth date, a social security number and a male in his midlife who has heart troubles. I just want to be me again, doesn’t that count for something?

I wrote before (though not in blog form) about being scared. It has consumed me, due to the fact I over react, fantasize and do not rationalize. I freak out! Right now, that is what is happening with my mind and my thoughts. I tend to overlook generalness and jump right into the glass is half empty, or even totally empty, signifying defeat. I guess I do this as if it were looked at the other way, but in the end is chaos ... I have not set myself up for failure, I am already there. Not a good thing, not at all.

I am scared. I am also greedy and I want to know immediately what is wrong. I hate waiting. It’s not fair. If my time is taken up, then so should everyone else’s and I should get my answers immediately. Sadly, it does not work this way. So I sit and wait.

I remember vividly being a child, and having to go to the doctor to get a flu shot. We went as a family, after work, in the Buick no doubt, and back in the 60’s, we all got the same needle, a glass one, and got stuck with it. Not me, nope, not me. I hid under a table and then kicked the doctor in the shin. The beginning of my hatred for medicine. It is no wonder I don’t like to go. These days, you kick someone, you go to jail. I don’t have time for that. I suppose I have to keep my mouth shut and play nice.

I told myself to do this, so I have no one to blame for any thing but me. I have taken the necessary steps in getting help, something no one in my family ever did. Why didn't they ever seek help? I know, they were too busy enjoying life and did not want to be a statistic. Ironically, they are now, as they have all passed on. The worst stat of all.

A very wise woman said:

You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted.

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

If it is to be, then it is up to me

We compile numbers and data for various reasons. Please Lord; let me be one of those that live. Give me strength and wisdom, help me through this. I want to live; I am on that bridge, asking to live. It is a wonderful life, and I am counting on trying to go far into it.

That is what I want to count; Life.

Ticked and Ticketless

2008-05-15T17:27:00.002-05:00

I was so excited. I had 4th row, stage left for the CC/M5 tour (that’s Counting Crows and Maroon 5 but you knew that, right?)

I did more damage and scored 6th row CENTER/MIDDLE and was elated! I even found a buyer for my stage left seats. Despite Augustana not opening, things were good.

And then things got UGLY! VERY, VERY UGLY!

The news was e-mailed to me:

5.5.08 Important Schedule Change!

Live Nation regretfully announces the Maroon 5 / Counting Crows performance scheduled for Tuesday, Aug. 26 at Blossom Music Center has been canceled due to routing issues.
Tickets purchased via phone or Internet will have their account automatically credited. Tickets purchased at an outlet or box office can be refunded at the original point of purchase.

I later found out that “routing issues” meant they found a better venue and sold more ticket so they made more money. They already had multiple gigs in New York and obviously Red Rocks so, who would overshadow OHIO – the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

I was without words when I read the following”

5.13.08 Counting Crows Play Minnesota

Counting Crows will be teaming up with Maroon 5 and Sara Bareilles on August 26th at Mystic Lake Casino and Hotel. Mystic Lake is located just outside of Minneapolis. Tickets go on sale starting May 31st. Stay tuned to countingcrows.com to see how you can get your tickets!

No stop in OHIO whatsoever!

One would surmise that Counting Crows would “Come Around” after the tour. Our beloved Goo Goo Dolls had to cancel once and they respected their fans enough to come alone, to a private more intimate venue. They rocked the house.

I’m hoping CC does the same.

Counting Smiles

2008-05-04T18:09:00.003-05:00

I think I smiled too much that week.

No.

Wait.

Is that possible?

My cheeks hurt from all the smiling and laughing. That’s how I am counting from now on. I’m counting smiles.

Like most of you, I’ve known sadness and despair all too well. I considered them my best friends.

Meet my new friend…Hope. Actually, Hope is an old friend. We lost touch for a while but thankfully we’ve renewed our friendship.

I’m not really counting on hope or anyone for that matter. That’s just a cluster-mishap waiting to happen. They all let you down – though sometimes unintentionally – the end result is not what you wanted, expected or hoped for. Often times you just have to count on yourself.

I received a phone call that made my day. A “blast from the past” they used to say. Someone I had a really good relationship with and miss every Monday through Friday. It made me smile. I had to shut my office door to take this call. I could feel my cheeks begin to tingle as a slight smirk turned into a wide smile. I thought the corners of my mouth might bleed.

Some people you just miss.

That same week, perhaps even the next day, I received a call from a co-worker (off site) needing some help with a minor issue. Turns out I helped him a few months back. I didn’t remember. Everyday is a busy blur.

A couple days later, I was standing at a co-worker’s cubicle when a man said to me, “Thanks for your help the other day.” I had seen this man a few times before. We even had a couple of brief conversations. I had no idea he was the same guy who called seeking my help to resolve an issue. Sometimes it makes you smile just to put a face with a name.

He was smiling.

Another co-worker, whose cubicle we happened to meet at, asked him if he needed anything else.

He didn’t and he left. Smiling.

My co-worker turned to me and said, “People like you. That’s good.” (You should only know how a certain department cringes when I call. How that same department prefers to talk over me (and everyone else) rather than actually help, assist or fix any issues you have. How they prefer to talk “above” us and YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT? )

But I digress…

We were talking about smiles.

I smiled realizing these two guys were one in the same. I smiled that my co-worker thought everyone liked me (they don’t, of course, because you can’t please everyone. I realize that long ago and I’ve long since given up even trying). I smiled when my old acquaintance called me. I also smiled when someone very important, while on their cell phone, stopped, smiled and waved at me as he walked in. I did the same. He didn’t have to.

I smiled when my friendlet me help bottle feed the rescued baby kittens.

I smiled when I was asked to take over a project because the person who was supposed to handle it was “overwhelmed.”

I smile when my friend calls me to commiserate about our work life once being “ADULT DAY CARE” and now being a something that resembles PRISON.

We see and encounter so much negativity in life. Sometimes you just have to smile to change the course. Now, let’s be real. This isn’t always effective. But you see, that’s when you kill them with a smile and with kindness. And even if it annoys them, well, that’s just a bonus. Breathe it in and take its power.

I watched the CAVS game the other night and actually most of the season. I am so proud of them. All the undercuts and snide remarks and still, they RISE UP. LeBron was the brunt of a myriad of cheap shots - personally, professionally and physically. It was tough to watch and hear for me. It had to be tough on him. But you would never surmise that because he is one class act. Our CAVS are a class act.

They aren’t just fantastic – they are phenomenal and impressive. Their actions spoke louder than any words.

The Sports page (of the Plain Dealer) spoke volumes. The photo of LeBron and Daniel, the photo of Wally – all smiles. As much as I love “nothin’ but net, “ I love “nothin’ but smiles” all the more. Feel it. Taste it. Breathe it in.

Let it out in the form of a smile. Let it spread across your face until it hurts. It’s all good.

It speaks volumes.

No words required.

So count how many times you smile tomorrow. Let me know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well-behaved women rarely make history.
~Laurel Thatcher Ulrich.

I Am Icarus Falling Out Of The Sky

2008-04-13T17:19:00.003-05:00

How many times have you flown?
How many times have you wished for wings?
How many times have you fallen?

The story of Icarus has fascinated me for years. The need for freedom. It’s the “get away” (from some of life’s harshest realities or whatever you need an escape from). It’s the ability to live in the moment. It’s learning the hard way…even when it’s too late.

But in the story of Icarus, (if by chance you are unfamiliar, here's the “Cliff Notes”) it’s about... well, for me, it’s about WANTING - wanting to escape, wanting to be free, wanting that which seems elusive at best - and wanting it so badly that nothing else matters – and this can be about the “wanting” of anything - you actually yearn for it. You yearn for those things you feel are missing from your life - until you find them - because once you find them - then there's no longer a need. Until then, the warnings don’t matter; those who care about you don’t matter. Well, they do, but not at the moment you take [your hypothetical] flight.

It’s selfish. You’re selfish. I'm selfish. But we're flying. How can this be and how can anything else matter? And from this, Adam Duritz created Insignificant. He said, *“It’s about jumping off a building and seeing it as flight, a retreat from life. But it’s still sort of beautiful. [The character in the song] doesn’t want to be insignificant, and mean nothing.”

Who would?

Listen to Insignificant. Of all the things you can feel... happy, sad, jealous, empowered, bitter, strong, proud, elated, surreal, etc… but to feel insignificant must be the worst of all. (As if Counting Crows or Duritz himself could ever be insignificant. He’s one in a million. We all are. And that’s a good thing.)

I’ve often said if I could spend 24 hours in someone else’s mind, it would be that of Bill Gate. I find Duritz to be a very close second.

Can you see me?
I’m one in a million
I am Icarus falling
Out of the sun

(Counting Crows/Insignificant/Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings)

*Quote excerpt courtesy of bonus Track by Track Interview with Adam Duritz downloaded from iTunes. I ordered the deluxe edition. Didn't everyone?)

And I Would Be Lying If I Didn't Tell You The Truth

2008-03-30T13:34:00.003-05:00

Thank you Counting Crows for Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings. It’s killer. It’s beautiful. It’s letting go. It’s believing. It’s poignant. It’s sin. It’s regret. And then you do it all over again… and again… and again.

I’m so obsessed (I’ve long admitted to my OCD kicking in when it comes to good music) with one song that I’ve devoted this blog to it and it alone (as opposed to the entire CD which was my original intent. It ROCKS, by the way!) So, here goes…

“People will leave you behind...and you find yourself waiting. Endlessly waiting.” Adam Duritz said this in 2006, while performing in Las Vegas at Red Rocks right before singing Angels of the Silences. And that particular string of words resonated with a lot of people, including me.

Now think about the fact that his girlfriend broke up with him, his grandmother passed away, and he lost a couple of great friends soon after that. Further remember that he turned us on to and is a big fan of Stew (aka TNP) and Stew’s song “Come Down Now.” (Stew’s lyrics: “Remove your bandage so I can see your damage.”) You SHOULD be familiar with this song.

Combine all these ingredients together and you will see how and why Le Ballet D’or was born. It’s beautiful.

Wasting time running scared
When all love needs is to be believed in…

So come now
Let’s go dance to the siren’s song
Come now
Leave your damage behind and gone…

And I would be lying if I didn't tell you the truth.
They will leave you, they will leave you behind.

The truth of the words tear into your flesh with Duritz’s voice sharp as a dagger. You can feel his pain and it will stir up any of your own that you thought you’ve long since laid to rest.

Yet there is also a feeling of “cleansing” to it. I feel it but I just don’t have the words to describe it. So you need to listen to it and feel what you feel.

Counting Crows continue to amaze (well worth the 5 year wait).

…And I would be lying if I didn’t tell you the truth:

I love this CD and think you will too.

Looking Forward to Spring and New Beginnings

2008-02-26T18:35:00.003-05:00

I am, by most accounts, a pretty tough chick. (That is to say, one that is strong on the outside even though my insides might be crumbling.) Those that know me well will not dispute this. Like most, I’ve been through my share (and then some) in life that gives the “rite of passage” to that title – and most of you have it too. Luckily I have sarcasm and wit to get me through and keep me grounded – along with some really great friends!

I won’t go into it here, of course, about how many times the shoe dropped, and then the floor, and then…how it all went pitch black. I won’t say that I’ve been through more or less than any of you, just that like many of you, I’ve been through the ringer more than once. I sometimes wonder how I still function when there are days I seem to be hanging on by my thumbs. But then, one of my favorite sayings goes something like this:

That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

It’s that whisper of a voice inside my head and I cling to it like a child to a blanket.

I am stronger.

No matter how strong or tough or resilient I may proclaim to be, nothing could have prepared me for the flood of raw emotions that washed over me the day I left my office of many, many, many years. It was a long, lone walk to my car. I left my friends, my knowledge, my comfort zone, my five weeks vacation, my freedom, my worklife as I know it. I snuck out like a thief in the night. The brave girl was no more than a coward that day. But you do what you have to in order to survive – in this case it was emotional survival.

I tried to view this as I would the season of Spring – a new beginning – a fresh start – exactly what my life needs.

So I’m just going to thank my friends and co-workers for some of the things I gleaned from them over the years.

To:

TB – Cynicism and wit, brains and sarcasm. Faith. Friendship

KM - Access conversations that no one else could understand, patience, guidance, patience, mentoring, patience, blogging,…(did I mention patience?)

JMC - Coffee, T-time, breaks, vending trees, laughter, truth, and nobility

And the rest of the crew for one or more of the following:

Bluefly

Concerts, JR and AD, Tear bottles, cats and coffee, August and Everything After

Bobbie Brown brick. Skirts, never shorts

Orazio

Math help; Grey Goose

The New Yorker, dressing to the 9’s

Compliments

Advice: Never put anything in writing. Flat lines. Trust. Integrity

Pushing me and believing in me

Every “good morning” and the bad ones too

Sharing of birthdays and secrets

Demonstrativeness

Honesty, funny stories, genuineness, Courage under fire

“Whatever!”

The coolest gift certificate to the coolest gallery; flavored coffee

My freedom

Chats about mothers

Contacts, more laughter, morning coffee, a new song each day

…And all of these things, in their own way, are now part of me. I take them with me and I am grateful for these little treasures for they are priceless.

And always trying to be uplifting, someone said, “It will be interesting to see where your life is one year from now.”

It’s been 6 months. I have a new job, my own office with a window, a new title or hat to be worn, new responsibilities and new friends.

I don’t know why I landed here but I did – and like a cat (KAT), I landed on my feet.

So far so good.

Oh, and someone I met has concert ticket connections. Timing is everything! ;)

You Can't Count On Me

2008-02-19T18:24:00.003-05:00

If you think you need to go
If you wanted to be free
There’s just one thing you need to know
And that’s that
You can’t count on me

Like every other CC fan, I am counting down to Counting Crows. The big day is March 25th. The first song they’ve released is You Can’t Count on Me. Give it a listen. CC rocks and Adam sizzles. My friend Steve summed it up perfectly (likening it to his attraction to Alicia Keyes) – you’re attracted for all the right reasons and all the wrong ones too.

I’ve already heard 5 of the songs from SNASM, and can tell you my favorite – it’s called Insignificant. I want to jump on stage in my stilettos and sing with Adam in his bare feet! This is my new Angels of the Silences (the original version) - the song that allows me to yell and sing, and exercise all those nasty demons that occasionally reside inside me. Something about both these songs gives me new energy and strength and, oddly enough, clarity.

I will more than likely “pre-order” Counting Crows new CD entitled Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings(SNASM). I truly miss the days of walking into Tommy Edward’s Record Heaven and sorting through the bins to find my treasure! Or talking to one of the storeowners and having them play a 45 for me, to make sure it didn’t skip before I purchased it. I miss seeing album covers plaster the walls of the store. I miss searching for my 45 and the feeling that welled inside of me of pure bliss when I found it and held it my hands – it was magical. I couldn’t wait to get home – I was practically crawling out of my skin to give it a listen – and then, I’d play my favorite song over and over and over and over – until my parents begged me to stop or put on my headphones. I’d listen to it as loud as I could - until the vibrations knocked off any poor knickknack that I carelessly placed upon my speakers. This time, however I will be just as ecstatic to open the brown Amazon box and take out my CC treasure.

I find, for me, that it is rare I listen to a CD it its entirety. I usually end up skipping a few songs or fast forwarding – basically moving about and getting to my favorites. Not so with the CC boys – it’ll be a guilty pleasure to actually listen to a CD all the way through – and I’ll read the liner notes too!

As it turns out, this is going to be quite a challenging week for me. There is an event coming up at work (aka my new gig) that I have been put in charge of. Basically its success or failure will lead to me. There are a myriad of people counting on me and, every time they tell me that, like it’s supposed to mean something to me, I smile...because secretly I’m thinking their fools, and they need to know what Adam knows -

And that's that
You can’t count on me

Happy Birthday Grammys

2008-02-10T18:35:00.000-05:00

I have been around for 46, almost 47 years of the Grammys' existence. I can say with great enthusiasm and passion that music makes me who I am, what I am and how I live. I am not a musician, nor do I pretend to be. I am, like you, just a fan of great music. Tonight, the world of music will convene en mass to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Grammy; that little statue that means the most to an artist.

My friend Trixxxie Rix will not be in attendance this year. I could still kick myself in the ass as she asked me a few years back if I wanted to go with her to the Grammys. I could not fit it into my schedule and get the time off of work since at that time, I worked for Satan. More blogs to follow about that damn nightmare. Any who, she will be at home, like I, watching from a far instead of sunny LA. Trixxxie is in the mic biz and gets some perks from her work with respect to going to concerts, awards shows and the like. She has good street cred with the artists, they dig her. I was with her at the Billy Joel gig here in C-Town this summer and was in awe of her and how she rep'ed her company, and how she just smoothly went about her business. I dig her.

I suppose we both won't get to see Amy Winehouse. I have not one freaking clue as to why this chick fascinates me so damn much. It could be her tattoos, mostly cuz they are ole school and not that crap that the so called tattoo artists of today slap on you and stick a needle of ink to. She has them in good spots, good shading and they look like they just belong there. She is enjoying her skin while she is in it for sure. She also is apparently enjoying the hooch as well. She keeps a bottle handy as one line claims. My question is; just who is Mr. Hathaway? It appears from her words in "Rehab" that Mr. Hathaway just might have all of the answers to her troubles and woes. I sure as hell wish I knew Mr. Hathaway when I was falling down drunk and puking all over myself.

Whether or not we attend this most celebrated event of honoring those musicians and singers, composers, arrangers or the like, we still get to see and hear them in our living rooms tonight. Thanks to Santa Claus, I get to now watch in awe on an LCD Digital TV, or whatever it is. Hearing the melodic tones of Ms Winehouse come through my surround sound will be just what I need to make the ceremonies complete. Would I rather be sitting in the audience with Trixxxie, hell yes, but this will have to do for now. I will still have the music in me. I hope that it is in everyone. Celebrating music and letting it enrich our lives is something that a lot of us probably do on a daily basis. Music is everywhere and we rely on it as much as we do food and water. The lyrics literally speak to us, not at us. Words originating on paper, or a pizza box, coming through your speakers, and smacking you in your mind, your soul, making your heart sing a long.

Happy Birthday, Grammys. Oh, and Ms. Winehouse, if I may, you speak of 70 days, here in the U.S. it is 90 days, 90 meetings. And Mr. Hathaway does not exist if you wish to get clean and sober; it is Dr. Bob and Bill W. And if I may return the favor of saying something about "rehab", it is this; Rehab is for quitters. Get it? I knew that you would. Good luck baby, in all of this.

The Blessing

2008-02-03T15:10:00.000-05:00

I’ve met so many new people through my new job. I’m, unfortunately, one of “those people”... a person who is truly terrible at remembering names. I’m getting better.

A few weeks ago I met one of the field workers. We were introduced through a mutual co-worker. He is an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic because as he says, “I’m still an alcoholic. It’s not called alcohol-wasm, it’s called alcohol-ism.” He knows who he is. He knows who he wants to be and who he doesn’t want to be. He knows he is always “one drink away.” He carries the “coins” in his pocket. He reminds me of another friend.

He is a biker who used to ride with Hell’s Angels, though he never wore their colors nor bore their patch. He still does poker runs. He’ll be going to Vegas in the springtime.

His name I will never forget.

My friend Jim has found his freedom and his faith. If you’ve ever been on a motorcycle, you know that kind of freedom. As for faith, Jim can both bless and baptize you. After a minor injury, he stopped in to see me. We talked about his health, his well-being, and a myriad of other things. I was having a horrible morning and he could sense it even though I thought I was doing remarkably well at hiding it.

He asked me, “Has anyone told you today that you are special and absolutely wonderful just the way are?” I said nothing. He continued.

“Has anyone told you that someone loves you very much and is grateful you are part of their life and this world?” I just listened. Sometimes we forget to just listen.

“Then can I give you this blessing today?” Yes. Thank you. I just smiled and nodded at him.

It was the nicest thing anyone had said and done to me that week. It reminded me of my friend Teri who got me reading Anne LaMott because, “She has a knack for finding God in the oddest places.”

To Thine Own Self Be True
(That's what's on the coin - but some of you already knew that.)

Sometimes we just have to count our blessings. And all that being said, please allow me to introduce my friend, Hennessy. Since Kevin has left the Gut for bigger and better things (you know where to find him), I’ve asked Hennessy to help me out here at the Gut. I’ve had the pleasure of being part of his inner circle. I’ve read some of his work because he trusted me enough to do so (and vice versa).

They say a writer cuts himself open and “bleeds” all over the paper. He definitely delves emotionally deeper than I allow myself and I have enjoyed everything of his that I’ve read. I think you will too.

So Hennessy…Welcome and thank you for saying yes.

Goodbye to "the Gut"

2008-01-14T17:54:00.000-05:00

After three years of on-again, off-again posting at my local free blog, I'm officially hanging it up. I'm not retiring, though, I'm fulfilling another one of my goals/dreams: to run my own website!

Through the generosity of my friend Jason at the Sports Gaming Nation, I'm now running a website named Middle Aged Gamer. The content will be similar to what I've posted here over the years, but with more of a focus on gaming, and hopefully with a little more depth.

It's been a great ride at "The Gut," and I'm happy to turnover the keys to Kellie. The Gut is hers to do with what she wishes. Whatever that is, I'll still be tuned in...

Kevin

Fears, Phobias and a Little More Freud...

2008-01-13T15:56:00.000-05:00

What do you fear?

What is fear?

According to my favorite site OneLook.com, it is defined as “an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight).”

After reading all the responses, it’s crystal clear that what scares the hell out of us more than anything is loss of loved ones. Not surprising. No one listed or seemed to consider their own mortality. The only one that came close was fear of drowning. I know how powerful the ocean is. I remember being in Hawaii when a wave took me in and out several times before I finally made it to shore. The water no sooner tossed me back to the sand than it just as swiftly carried me back out with a powerful grip my flailing arms and legs could not fight. Only when the ocean itself decided to calm, could I ride the wave back to the safety of the sandy beach.

Many of our fears such as fear of spiders, high places, bridges, mice, etc., fall under the phobia category as well.

So what’s a phobia? Once again, from OneLook.com - “an anxiety disorder characterized by extreme and irrational fear of simple things or social situations.”

(I’d hardly classify a silverfish as “simple thing” but I digress!)

Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself.”

(I’m betting he never got trapped in an elevator with a spider the size of his shoe!)

My neighbor once got trapped in an elevator when going to see her doctor. She had also taken her water pill. Yes, there is a specific phobia for that too. It’s called “urophobia!” Hey, I don’t make this stuff up!

Me, I’m a “germophobe!” Ask anyone. If you’re sick, you better stay clear of me. I carry a bottle of antibacterial spritz in my purse. I have a bottle of Purell on my desk.
I wipe of the shopping cart and usually have a barrier between my hand and any door handle.

One of my co-workers hates driving when it’s icy outside. Since the real fear here is that driving on ice could result in a dangerous situation, it would likely falls under “fear of having an accident” or dystychiphobia.

My friend CC was afraid, while riding a rollercoaster, that the contents of her stomach might reveal itself. Can you guess that phobia? Aeronausiphobia!

Another friend nearly sold their home due to the “infestation of mice” (I think there were 2 in the entire house)! She’s a “murophobe!’ (Murophobia – fear of mice and rats).

For a couple of us, anxiety seemed to peek whenever we discovered a police vehicle behind us! Even if you are going the speed limit, traveling with children, wearing your seat belt, and doing absolutely nothing but acting like a conscientious driver, seeing the police car in your rear view mirror induced a little panic. Could it be fear of authority figures? Or are we so jaded that all we can think is that this officer needs to meet his ticket quota?

Some other wild fears included being buried alive, getting locked in a trunk and annual reviews at work. I happen to love annual reviews – my boss usually dreads mine more than I do! Maybe I’m just getting better and wearing them down!

Now this is one I hadn’t thought of in many, many moons. Do you remember the “trust game?” It’s where you fall backwards and pray to God the person will catch you. I am definitely a person who has “trust issues” so I can absolutely relate to this one.

Big thanks to all my friends for their contributions to this blog.

Here are a few additional phobias that were either mentioned or just plain interesting!

Arachnophobia – Fear of spiders
Aeroacrophobia - Fear of open high places
Agoraphobia - Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place. Fear of crowds.
Cleisiophobia - Fear of being locked in an enclosed place
Dentophobia - Fear of dentist
Elurophobia - Fear of cats
Entomophobia - Fear of insects
Gephydrophobia - Fear of crossing bridges
Glossophobia - Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak
Hemophobia - Fear of blood
Katagelophobia - Fear of ridicule
Nyctophobia - Fear of the dark or of the night.
Ochlophobia - Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ornithophobia - Fear of birds
Paraskavedekatriaphobia - Fear of Friday the 13th
Pentheraphobia - Fear of mother-in-law

And finally, according to Psychoanalyst Freud, phobias are a defense against anxiety produced by repressed impulses. Anxiety is moved to an object or situation and then becomes the phobic stimulus. In order to not deal with the repressed conflict, the person tries to avoid the object or situation. (Source: http://web4health.info/en/answers/anx-phobias-general.htm)

Here’s hoping we all conquer at least one of our fears!

Godzilla Review Posted

2008-01-09T20:15:00.000-05:00

The short of it: stay far, far, away. Here are the details.

Bill, my editor, mentioned that they might be trying some new things at Gameshark this year. It sounds like they want more features and other "extra" type stuff, and less of the standard reviews. He mentioned something about all of us using our "industry contacts" to come up with some ideas. Uh, suddenly I feel even farther out of the loop than before. Some of the guys and gals on staff are true freelancers, and they can provide exactly what Bill is looking for. I just write filler for the crappy games! I'm wondering what kind of role I'll have in the future... Hmm...

If I can't contribute there anymore, I'll look back with no regrets. I've had a great ride. I'd like to still be a part of it, but we'll see if I fit in. If not, I'll just move on to something else.

Gift Wrapped

2008-01-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

Ohio State absolutely gift-wrapped that game for LSU last night. Ridiculous penalties, untimely turnovers, and the lack of players "making plays" doomed Ohio State to its second straight loss. All of the talking heads will call this a blowout, and stroke themselves over the supposed SEC domination (see: Forde, Pat), but ultimately, Ohio State lost because they made too many dumb mistakes, which is uncharacteristic of a Tressel team. I've also yet to hear a talking head identify the true turning point in this game, when sure-handed Brian Robiskie dropped a touchdown pass that would've given OSU a 17-10 lead. LSU subsequently blocked the field goal, and momentum officially swung their way. If OSU stems the tide with that touchdown, they stay in the game, period.

Despite all of that, they still had their chances. My gut aches for Austin Spitler, who somehow missed the ball on that attempted punt block on 4th and 23, which resulted in LSU getting the ball back and scoring to just about put it out of reach. Had he made that block, or avoided contact, it's 24-10 early in the third, with OSU having a chance to gain the momentum back yet again.

As Coach Cooper used to say, "If 'if's' and 'but's' were candy and nuts, it'd be Christmas every day." The bottom line is that LSU won the game. I tip my cap to them. But this year was nothing like last year's debacle. Ohio State was in this game, and could've won it, if they just executed a little better at crucial times. I've said all year that OSU is a year away from being a great team, anyway. And, depending on who stays, we could very well see them in the title game next year, much to the chagrin of all of the talking heads out there. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed for them at all, unlike last year. And, how could I complain, given that OSU has been to 3 championship games in the last 6 years? At least they're in the arena. Coach Tressel will figure out how to get them over the hump again.

Now, is it March yet?!

Wii Are Family!

2008-01-08T21:45:00.000-05:00

There's no doubt that the Nintendo Wii has been the big hit among the Christmas gifts. Everyone has played it, including my parents and my wife's parents, and universally they've all enjoyed it very much. What makes it so enticing is that the action on the screen truly feels like an extension of the movements you're performing with the remote, at least for most games that we've played. It's brilliant in its simplicity. It's the ultimate party game machine. And, it just feels family-friendly.

I've been gaming since I was about 7 years old, starting with the Atari 2600. Growing up, I played on the 2600, a Commodore 64, and a Tandy 1000, and I can count on one hand the number of times my mom played a video game with me. After playing Wii Sports with the kids, my mom is honestly thinking about buying one for her house, since she had so much fun with it (Dad did, too). After I told her how much it cost, she said "That's it? I was afraid it was going to be $400-$500!" No, mom, that's the other gaming machine…

Nintendo has out-foxed its competition, and struck a chord with just about everyone, based on the simplest of concepts: it's just darn fun!

Holiday Gaming Marathon

2007-12-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

Well, "marathon" by my standards, anyway…

Here are some incongruous thoughts on the games I've played during my sporadic time off over the Christmas/New Year's season. I still have a four day chunk of time left later this week, too, so I hope to add to this in the near future.

NCAA 2K8
I absolutely LOVE the player controls. There's so much you can do with the stick, triggers, and the "B" and "Y" buttons, some of it based on your skills, and some if it based on the player attributes. Plus, there's a tutorial and a gaming mode that has challenges specific to using these controls, so it's a fun way to learn to play the game. The ability to throw different kinds of passes really adds to the realism, as you can make the same kind of passes that you would on a real court, especially in transition.

The atmosphere is outstanding! Although the courts aren't 100% accurate for all 300+ teams, the venues seem realistic based on the schools involved. I also like the flow of the game, because at times, your team can just go bone dry on offense, while your opponent takes the momentum. It feels just like watching a real college basketball game, and most teams don’t have a player that can just take over, so you really need to work to stem the tide and get back in the game. I still have to work on some settings to get the stats and fouls where I want them, but I'm pretty close.

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the dynasty mode so far. Man, there are just tons of players to recruit. It seems deeper than NCAA 08, which means it will take some work for me to feel comfortable with it. I've spent most of my time just playing exhibition games, but once I get comfortable playing on and off the floor, I think this game has the potential to be among my all-time favorites.

NBA 2K8
The game looks great, and it's especially deep in the "Association" mode. You can schedule specific items for your team to work on during practice, and also try to improve player attributes by participating in skill-specific drills with a specific player. You have to reach a certain score to get the bonus. I don't know if the adjustments are permanent, and fortunately, you're very limited in how much you can do this, so you won't have a roster of "99's." The player roles are also a refreshing addition. You can basically set the playing time and role that each player plays. If you deviate, it could hurt team morale.

On the floor, I don't like the controls as much as I do in NCAA 2K8. You don't feel as "in control" with the isomotion moves. Plus, there's not tutorial detailing how to execute them, and there's nothing in the manual. I realize many are player-specific or attribute-specific, but I'd like to at least have some control over the animations I'm triggering. Previous versions of this game seemed to have much more information on player control, so I might have to look at some old FAQ's, or something. That said, the game play is very smooth, and seemingly realistic. I do like how the play diagrams show up on the court when you're on offense. It's much easier than memorizing plays, and it's really not intrusive at all. The animations are excellent, as are the arenas and crowds. It just feels like NBA basketball, which is a high compliment.

I'm playing using nine minute quarters, and I've adjusted most of the foul sliders upwards. I'm happy with the statistical results so far. I'm especially happy with the frequency of fouls called when you drive to the basket. I allow the AI to make substitutions for me, using the roles I've established, and I also let it call time outs. Nine minute quarters take a awhile to play out, especially with the increased fouls, so this speeds it up a bit for me.

I even got a bite when I put Larry Hughes and his anchor of a contract on the trading block. I was pleased that the offer was a player with a longer contract, slightly less in value, but with a similar rating. There apparently won't be any fleecing of my fellow AI GM's.

All-in-all, I'm impressed so far, and I haven't had this much fun with an NBA game since NBA Inside Drive 2004.

FIFA 08
The last few versions of FIFA have had an excellent Manager mode ("dynasty" mode), and this year's version seems to have the quality on the pitch to match. Honestly, playing on the field with FIFA 08 reminds me of how I felt the first time I played Winning Eleven. The graphics and animations are excellent, the pace of the match is spot-on, and I feel like I'm in control of the action. The ball doesn't feel chained to the players, and it seems like the canned animations are shorter in length, and far less invasive. Right now, I'm playing at the "Amateur" level, just so I can compete!

There are a few problems, though. I don't like my lethargic back line. It seems like I can't count on them to step up and stop the dribbler as regularly as they should, so I have to try to take control and switch too often to keep the offense out of my penalty area. Also, the set pieces aren't as user-friendly as they should be. It just seems to hard to figure out where to place the ball, and I can't see enough of the pitch to know where my guys are making their runs. Lastly, where are the fouls? There just aren't enough called over the course of a match for my liking. Routinely, I get less than five fouls a game, using ten minute halves. It should be double that, at least. Those complaints are relatively minor, though, compared to some of the problems that have haunted the FIFA series historically.

Off the pitch, FIFA continues to deliver, with the sponsorships, transfers, retirements, scouting, cumulative fatigue, team chemistry, pressure from the club owner, and so forth. It's by far one of the most "polished" dynasty modes in any series. With what I'm hearing about the next 360 version of WE, I may be skipping it, which would've been unthinkable just a year ago for me.

Call of Duty 4
This was an unexpected purchase for me. I stumbled across it for $38 at Best Buy, and since I'd heard so many favorable things about it, I picked it up. And I'm glad I did.

The first thing that struck me was how easy it was to control my soldier. I don't have to manage a squad (which I like), and only a couple of the buttons are context-sensitive. In a game based upon quick reflexes, it's nice to be able to play without thinking "which button does this now?" Plus, the first mission is basically a tutorial, and it does a great job of introducing you to the action.

That said, in a lot of ways, once you've played one quality military shooter, you've played them all. The only differentiation is truly the story and the environments. So far, COD4 has delivered! It is linear, like most shooters, and you basically have to stay with your squad to survive and advance, but the second mission was a white-knuckling action movie-esque thrill ride! I absolutely loved trying to get off of the listing ship before it sank, and jumping into the helicopter just as it was taking off! Yes, I got "left behind" a couple of times, but the checkpoint system didn't send me back very far at all.

My only complaint so far is that they've adopted Halo's healing system, where you can seemingly recover from bullet wounds just by resting behind some cover. I know that makes the game more playable, but I prefer the much more realistic death that games like Ghost Recon deliver.

And, I haven't even touched multiplayer, which is the mode that is getting all the raves in the forums I visit. Of course, I couldn't over the last few days, since Xbox Live has been spotty at best.

Elder Scrolls: Oblivion GOTY Edition
This is the anti-linear game. Everything about it is customizable. The character creation combinations are seemingly infinite, although those choices definitely have consequences. But, it's nice to be able to tackle the challenges with basically any type of character you'd like. And, it's nice to be able to play the game any way you'd like. You can follow the main quest, pick up side quests, or just wander around the incredibly expansive world doing whatever strikes your fancy.

Although I've just begun, there are literally hundreds of hours worth of things to do. I honestly could see myself starting the game several different times with different kinds of characters, and using a different approach, just to see what it's like. I really like how life seems to go on around you, no matter what you do, and that your actions or others' actions have an impact on that environment. It just seems much deeper and more realistic than coming upon the goblin who's doing his AI pacing routine. The NPC's and other AI beasties really seem to be living, not just follow a script.

The story is rich, and the environments are just gorgeous. This may be the most immersive game world I've ever been in. The best measure of a good game, in my opinion, is that the hours fly by when you play it. It feels like you've just started, yet three hours have passed on the clock. Oblivion is this kind of game.

I like it so much that I bought the 450-page strategy guide. I don't want to miss a thing, although I know I'll probably never ever come close to seeing all of it!

Fight Night Round 3
I'm a little late to the party on this title, but man, I've been having fun with it. The graphics are jaw-dropping. And, the boxing action is as good as I've played. It moves a little slowly for me, but I think that's to allow defense and counter-punching to play a big role in the fights, as opposed to just button-mashing. I love how parrying a punch kind of freezes your opponent for a second, allowing you to counter. With my aggressive style, I've been the victim of a few of those myself!

I also love how the fighters espouse a variety of different styles. I've seen maulers, counter-punchers, boxers, etc. in my brief career. My only complaints are that it's just a bit easy so far, and that the accuracy of the punches is about twice what it should be (although the number of punches thrown seems about right). The training games are fun, but I usually max out the results, making me significantly better than my opponents, unfortunately. I could skip them, but I like playing them! When I start a second career, I look to play it a little more "realistically," I think. I have 11 KO's in 12 fights. I did hit the canvas once myself, and I've been cut a few times (darn counter-punchers!).

Where this game lacks is the career mode. Why oh why am I fighting Oscar de la Hoya, Jermaine Taylor, and Bernard Hopkins in my first ten fights? Why don't they have their real records and realistic attributes? These guys should be at the top of the mountain, not on the way up! Plus, where are the rankings? What do I rank? Where do my opponents rank? I really want to climb the ladder, but you get no sense of that part of the boxing world in FN's career mode. That said, it's still a blast to play, but man, this game would be the dog's balls if it actually mimicked the real fighting game.

Dare I say that I hope Don King's boxing game will deliver? Knowing Don, probably not, so the quest for a great boxing game that puts it all together continues…

I also have Forza Motorsport 2 that I really haven't spent much time with, but I watched my son play it for a while, and it looks great. Hopefully, I'll get some time in the next few days to play it. Plus, I'm slogging my way through my NCAA Football dynasty, and I want to get a Madden franchise up and running, too. So much gaming to do, so little time! Isn't that always the story?

Happy New Year, and most of all, be safe tonight!!

Prozac, Poison and a Freudian Slip!

2007-12-31T14:42:00.000-05:00

So, about this new gig o’ mine…it’s always interesting. Like a good book, it’s filled with characters – some believable, some not so much.

One person I work with very often is a little “high strung.” I believe the medical term is “bipolar.” He tends to go from one extreme to another. (Example: Monday: “Hey Kel, let’s make this really simple for them to understand.” Tuesday: “Hey Kel, let’s throw everything at them so they realize the complexities and feel a bit overwhelmed.”)

Hey, I have an idea! Let’s pretend this Kel person can keep up!

I get e-mails from him at 4 AM on Saturday; he has trouble focusing on many things but rather centers in on one and doesn’t let it go until it’s done (or dead). Finally, one very long day, when I was struggling to keep up I flat out said to him, “You know, if we are going to continue to work together successfully, one of us is going to need Prozac and, I think it’s you.” He laughed. We’re working on it.

One of the administrative assistants was making a fresh pot of coffee. She jokingly said she would make it strong because the person I was working with that day, (the one described throughout this missive) likes it that way. I looked at her and said, “He doesn’t need more caffeine. He needs Prozac!” We laughed. She knows how he is. They all know how he is.

INTENSE.

Yes – that’s the word I’m looking for.

A little too subservient for my liking, she actually BRINGS him a cup of coffee (suck up) and I’m sitting in his office as this occurs. She said, “I put some poison in there per Kel’s request.” I went into (Sybil) recovery mode. I very calmly said, “No. I did not ask for poison, I asked for Prozac. I believe that was a Freudian slip on your part.” She was embarrassed. He wasn’t sure what just happened. Everyone laughed. Thankfully… and uncomfortably.

And kudos to onelook.com - the best site to find a definition quickly and accurately. Here’s their description for a Freudian Slip (not that you need an explanation but she did!)

“A slip-up that (according to Sigmund Freud) results from the operation of unconscious wishes or conflicts and can reveal unconscious processes in normal healthy individuals.”

I’m not sure there’s any such thing as normal, but I can definitely hope for healthy and wish all of you a Happy, Healthy New Year!

Cool quote I found this week:

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken
but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

And Finally, in the wonderful words of Mr. Adam Duritz, and dedicated by me to my friend JMC:

“A Long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.”

Root for the Home Team

2007-12-28T21:12:00.000-05:00

What happened to the concept of rooting for the "home team?" According to my DNA, you don't choose which sports teams you support, you're born into it. I've never understood why Ohio-born-and-bred folks root for Michigan, or Pittsburgh, or whatever flavor of the month. To me, it's akin to rooting for another country in the Olympics! How come you never see these maze-and-blue attired traitors wearing a basketball shirt from the Chinese Olympic basketball team?

Why, on one level, do these people totally commit to the idea of supporting our American athletes in an international competition, yet can't support their state or local sports teams in their respective competitions? I guess I just don't understand people… Like the guy at work sporting the New England Patriots t-shirt today. This is probably the same guy who had a Colts t-shirt on last year, all for the sole purpose of pretending that "his team" won, like that's of any value. Thankfully, I don't validate myself based upon the success of certain sports teams.

It's also in my DNA that this bugs me, for some reason. Rant over.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T21:45:00.000-05:00

As a Christian, I just want to say how thankful I am for our many blessings. We have a good home, great kids, good jobs, and everything we could ever need. Most of all, we're thankful that God sent his only son to die for our sins, so that we could have eternal life in heaven. That is the reason for the season.

The big ticket item this year was a Wii for the kids. We also got them Mario Party 8, Paper Mario, Wii Play, Zack and Wiki, and Spy Games Elevator Missions. They spent most of the day taking turns, or playing together, while occasionally playing with their other toys. I must say, it's a cute piece of hardware, and it offers tons of entertainment. We'll have some family Wii Sports fun tomorrow...

I got NBA 2K8 for the 360, so I can try to get my virtual Cavs to have better success than their real-life counterparts, although the Cavs did look decent today. I played it, along with Fight Nights Round 3, earlier today, and I plan on playing some more Oblivion tonight. Oblivion's one of those games where the time just flies by when you play - which means it's a great game. There's no single better measure of greatness for a game, in my opinion. When you look up and realize it's been much longer than it seems it has, you know you have a quality diversion...

I wish you and yours the best of holiday seasons!

Restoring My Faith in Pro Sports

2007-12-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

I still have faith in pro sports… I have faith that there are players of integrity and character, that hold the same feelings about the purity of competition that I do. Thinking that they're the "silent majority" helps me stomach the stories, allegations, and scandals that regularly populate the newswires.

Click here to read an incredibly well-written article by former major-leaguer Doug Glanville. My hope is that there are many more like him, and less like Bonds, Clemens, Canseco, and all the rest.

Plus, Glanville is a reputed Strat-o-Matic player. He's a gamer in the truest sense of the word.

Diamond Mind Online Review is up

2007-12-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

Click here for the details...

I'll be penning my Godzilla Unleashed review for the PS2 over the next couple of days. Here's the short of it: save your money. It's not as bad as the DS review, but this game is ugly, with a very short story mode, and it requires too many points to unlock the good stuff.

I spent an hour or so tonight with College Hoops 2K8 on the 360 today. It looks gorgeous, and the players moved very fluidly. I spent most of my time in the tutorials and the All America Challenge. One thing I didn't like is that you almost have to stop before you can execute a spin move or a behind-the-back dribble. In "real life," it happens much more on the move. Also, for some reason, I couldn't change the camera angle in the AA Challenge. It worked once, but then wouldn't change from the default from that point forward. Oh well, it wouldn't be a 2K sports game if it wasn't quirky. That said, it looks really promising, and I'm eager to dive in to it.

Fluke

2007-12-19T21:36:00.001-05:00

I hate to say this, but I think the Cleveland Cavaliers run to the Eastern Conference Championship last year was a fluke. I wanted to believe they were a team on the rise, and a team capable of dominating the East for years to come. After all, it was finally our turn, right? Well, after watching most of their games this year, I'd have to say "wrong."

The good news is LeBron is showing up to play every night. Man, he is putting on a show. His absence was a big factor in their 5-game losing streak, no doubt, but what that streak really revealed is how little help there is around him. The rest of the squad is made up of role players. He has no one else that can take over the game.

Z, Gooden, and Gibson play their roles well. Hughes, with that ridiculous salary, terrible judgment with the ball, and poor shot, is an absolute albatross. Either Pavlovic was a fluke last year, or his holdout really set him back. Varejao is back and contributing, at least. I give credit to guys like Newble and the two Browns, because they at least put forth the effort when called upon. The bottom line is that this roster sucks, and they don't have the salary cap flexibility to improve it. The only way they could is to get rid of Hughes, but at 13 million for the next two years, that ain't going to happen.

There's a chance that they could come around, when Pavlovic gets his legs, and Hughes finds a productive role, but since some other teams in the East (namely, the Celtics) improved, and he Cavs stood pat, making the playoffs will be a struggle.

Well, at least I'm back in my comfort zone...

Housekeeping

2007-12-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

I just did some minor housekeeping and updated some links on the right-hand side of the blog. Make sure you check them out! Dubious Quality, particularly, is a great read every day. And, if you're looking for some cool, mature, Xbox 360 gamers, visit the Sports Gaming Nation gang.

(Kellie - if you have any links you want to add, let me know, and I'll put up a "Kellie's Favorites" section...)

Christmas with my family was this past weekend. I got some cash, plus College Hoops 2K8 for the 360. Once the holidays settle in, I'm hoping to blow out some regular content updates on the games I'm playing on my Xbox 360. It's such a cool machine, with so much to do beyond gaming. My son asked me the other day what my all-time favorite console is, and I didn't have to think very long. Gaming has come so far since I started on the Atari 2600 (which I still have, by the way). The 360 is an awesome gaming achievement.

Back to Reclining

2007-12-12T20:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a rocking recliner kind of guy. When visiting family over the holidays, I'll seek one out and plant myself in it for the obligatory holiday conversations over football. Oftentimes, I'll put my feet up, and within 20 minutes, I'm out cold. They're that comfortable to me. I could rock and recline all day while watching the tube. Yep, I'm a real go-getter.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, we got rid of my rocker/recliner to make room for a 4-in-1 game table for the kids. No sacrifice is too great for my kids. With the changes in furniture and arrangement in our front room, however, it became apparent that we needed something to "fill a hole" in our layout. Lo and behold, as a Christmas present, my wife bought me a new rocker/recliner.

Ah... I've missed these days... Now I can be lazy in much more comfort! Thanks, honey!

Guys' Day Out

2007-12-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

Melissa took Brittany and the rest of the Girl Scout troop to the Nutcracker today, so Darrin and I did some "man" things together.

First, we got our hair done. Well, that doesn't sound too manly, but we did get it cut at SportClips - which is for "guys only." They have TV's at every chair showing ESPN, so it's a fairly "manly" way to get a cut. My prima donna son, however, always gets the shampoo and the hot towel. I draw the line at the shoulder massage, however!

Next, we did some shopping. I bought Melissa (my wife) an iPod Nano. I can safely post this because I know she never reads what I write. Heck, she doesn't even know what I do half the time down here in my "man cave." We also bought a couple more games for my nieces and nephews, who we're having Christmas with next weekend, since we bought them clothes earlier. Lastly, I picked up a winter coat for a family that Darrin's class in school is sponsoring for Christmas, and I got some gift cards for my mom and dad.

Lunch was at La Fogata, a local yocal Mexican restaurant. Lunch was good at a good price. And, since I ate a half a plate of refried beans, the conversation mostly centered around how those beans would impact me while we were out together. That's riveting conversation for my 11-year-old son. And, honestly, for me too!

Melissa and Brittany got back in the evening, and I played a couple of games of Clue Mysteries with the kids before bed. I also played some Godzilla: Unleashed on the PS2, and I rented the Hatton - Mayweather fight (another thing my wife doesn't know about down here in my "cave," but hey, I pay the cable bill, so no harm no foul).

All in all, it's been a great day...

Dragonball Z 3 Review is up

2007-12-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

Click here for the details... Fans of the show will love the game. I didn't have a lot of background knowledge of Dragonball Z, but the fighting model, characters, story, and environments were definitely intriguing.

Next up is Godzilla: Unleashed. The DS version was slammed at Gameshark. My initial impressions regarding the PS2 version are that it's not THAT bad. It sounds like the game mechanics didn't work well for the DS platform. Maybe the PS2 is a little more fighter-friendly? I don't have a DS, so I can't really compare.

MotoGP 2007 PS2 Review Published

2007-12-05T20:35:00.001-05:00

Click here for the review... Using the simulation riding mode, it reminded me of the challenge of driving in NASCAR. It's hard to keep the bike steady and upright, and serious riders will really enjoy that challenge. It's a great title for MotoGP fans, but for racing fans or casual fans, there are better options. Unless you really love racing those motorcycles, you'll get bored after a little while. For casual driving fans like me, Stuntman: Ignition is a much better fit.

I've got two more reviews completed and submitted to Gameshark - Diamond Mind Baseball Online, and Dragonball Z 3. I'm working on Godzilla Unleashed for the PS2 right now. This might be my last title for the month, which would be nice, so I can actually play my games! Plus, there might be a few Christmas presents to keep me busy over the holidays...

Thy Name is "Veinity"

2007-12-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

Actually it’s “thy name is vanity” but I can’t quite figure out how to do the play on words so that it appears “clever” as opposed to a typo.

I guess you could say I’m a little vain with little veins. It’s true. As for vanity, I won’t leave the house without a little makeup and, nine times out of ten, I spend way too much time on my frustratingly uncooperative hair.

The problem, however, isn’t my vanity but my “veinity.” The size of my veins, at least once a year, causes concern. Let me start at the beginning.

At my new gig (job), you are required to wait 60 days (actually, the 1st o f the month after your 60 days) to receive medical benefits. Fairly important to a single girl who recently lost her job (because she wouldn’t move to another state) and isn’t looking to take on COBRA.

After a meeting with my benefits specialist, I have to take yet another trek to the medical center to get my “wellness exam.” I roll in at 7:10 and I roll out at 8:04. (Apparently my veins “roll” too!) What transpired in between was pure torture - not your typical Monday morning torture either.

First, this place is laden with the degenerates of society, as well as those of us who lost our jobs, found new ones, and need to take a pre-employment drug test, or like me, need a “wellness exam” for benefits.

They have to draw blood. My blood. From my veins! This is no easy feat. It’s always multiple stabs until I bruise or they draw from a vein in my hand leaving a magnificent hue of purple, brown and yellow bruises.

Granted those that know me figure this shouldn’t be a big deal since that day I chose to let a man, who was not a doctor, inject me multiple times with a needle, filled with dye, so that I would have a permanent scar also known as, my tattoo. Forget that. A needle to veins, to draw blood for vials, freaks me out. (Say that ten times fast!) Sad but true.

So, girl nurse #1 decides it’s best to attempt to draw my blood, unsuccessfully, PRIOR to taking my BP. She got one shot. She failed. She’s done. I told her she could try again but she didn’t want to.

Boy nurse comes in. Crabby boy nurse with a shaved head, double pierced ears and well, albino-ish features. He says he’s having a bad day and he thinks I LOOK annoyed. It’s all true, so I immediately go into “nice girl mode.” (AKA Sybil-mode). It’s actually, “fearful girl mode” but hopefully he doesn’t know the difference. I get chatty, and I smile too much. I get confident and brave…it’s like I’m interviewing all over again and then I get the job and they wonder who that girl was they interviewed because it’s NOT THE SAME GIRL. I mean, she looks like the same girl but…I digress.

Boy Nurse gets nicer. Calmer. He ties me up (my arm, tight, trying to find a big fat vein) and tells me to make a fist. I figure I’ll just punch him if he jabs me more than three times. He finds a vein and goes for it. I feel the pinch. I start praying…

I ask him if “we’re good” and he says, “not yet…”

Then there’s silence.

Finally he yells, “We’re good now. DON’T MOVE!” (Like I’m going to?) I ask him very slowly if I can breath. He begs me to do so.

You realize that you go though all these difficult times and losses in your life and you survive them and they make you stronger. Then all it takes is a needle (or a silverfish) to bring you to your knees. Silly fears.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is afraid of spiders. THE ROCK! We all have our secret fears and phobias…

And this will (eventually) lead to another blog.

What do you fear?

A Reviewer's Life

2007-11-30T20:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, maybe this reviewer thing isn't all it's cracked up to be… Right now, I'm in the middle of reviewing a string of games that really don't interest me much at all. First, it was MotoGP 2007, which is a fine game if you're a fan of the MotoGP circuit, which I'm not. Now, it's Dragonball Z 3, of which I'm vaguely familiar, but by no means knowledgeable about the context of the series. Next up is Godzilla Unleashed; at least I'm a Godzilla fan. All of these are PS2, which means I'm getting hardly any time with my 360.

Part of it is the fact that I have still have a working PS2, and I'm willing to take whatever games I can get for review. I need to build the resume, and the extra money is nice. If I tried to hold out for the triple "A" titles, I would probably get about two assignments per year! There are just better, more experienced, and more proven reviewers on the staff. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess.

Also, I feel like I'm in a bit of a rut. My reviews feel formulaic. Insert comment A into section B about graphics. Ugh. I want to improve my writing - I want to transcend the "average" review, and write something profound and of value. I'm not having much luck doing that, especially with these games that invoke almost no passion from me. Part of me wants to "retire." It's been almost a year, and I've enjoyed the ride. But, a bigger part of me wants to see it through. I want to see where it will take me. I want to grow, improve, and challenge myself to do better than I thought I could. I don't want to back off of the commitment, which I've seemingly done so many times in the past when it comes to writing and the video game hobby.

What to do, what to do...

Who Hired Sybil?

2007-11-21T18:55:00.000-05:00

(Think actress Sally Field’s portrayal of multiple personality stricken Sybil Dorset.)

Let’s face it, we all play many roles in our lives but recently I played the role of an unemployed chick. Honestly, and I’ve said it before, what happened with my prior employer left me a little jaded, skeptical, uneasy. A definite kick in the ‘gut’ that left a sickening feeling that just seemed to linger.

Now you certainly can’t portray any of those feelings in an interview and, trust me on this, I did not portray any of those feelings. In fact, you probably would NOT have recognized me at all. I was charismatic, astute, relaxed, yet showed great interest in (nearly) every interview. I had all the right answers (most of the time), I always came back for “seconds” (great for an interview… not so great when it comes to food) and I had plenty of experiences to draw upon. Not one question hung me up. I even, at one time, was a little, smug. (I’m not proud of that…I’m just being honest.)

That “smug girl” was getting on my nerves so I (finally) decided which job to focus on…go for…see if they were worthy… whatever. (I know, I know…still a bit jaded, or maybe you thought smug. I was going for jaded.)

I’m used to working with people who like me for being, well, ME - a “straight shooter” and “not sugar coating.” That’s who I am.

Sometimes I think the people that interviewed me wonder what happened to that bright, positive, upbeat woman they interviewed. They still remember her. She was the little over-achieving go-getter who started the interview herself and promptly ended it when they refused to discuss vacation. Yet, they called her back for “seconds" and ultimately hired her (uhm, me)!

Don’t’ get me wrong, I do my job and I do it well. I came in after someone who did the best they could but it wasn’t what this employer was looking for. Still, I’m not the excited girl they interviewed. I’m not easily excited about anything having to do with work – especially at a new job. (Although I tend to perk up with monetary incentives!) I’m still learning the ropes and how to maneuver them. I’m in a bit of “culture shock” when you compare my current employer to my former one.

I'm also holding my own.

One day, after a joint effort of problem solving and designing a new procedure, my boss commented to me, “you don’t seem very excited about it.” It was probably right about then that the answer to “Who hired Sybil?” hit him with full force…

… I hired “Sybil!”

A Reviewing Machine

2007-11-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

My Thrillville review was just posted. I also just turned in my review of Diamond Mind Baseball Online, and I currently have Moto GP for the PS2 in the works. I also found out that I'll be getting the Dragonball Z game for the PS2 to review, plus America's Army for the 360 at some point.

Man, since soccer has ended, I've been busier than ever reviewing games. I'm enjoying it though, and the extra cash will come in handy at Christmas. Plus, hopefully, I'll get to review some games for the Wii next year! These machines are paying for themselves, LOL. I also have a pretty good supplemental income to purchase games that I want, especially counting the dogs that I review that I can turn in for credit at the store.

So far, I'm enjoying this gig a lot... My only complaint is that with my limited time, I don't get to play the games I WANT to play as much. However, I'm trying games that I normally wouldn't play, so I guess it's kind of a wash.

Update

2007-11-08T20:43:00.001-05:00

I just finished my Thrillville review. It's a very good game... for pre-teens. "Mature" gamers can have some family-type fun out of it, but would be better served by playing the Roller Coaster Tycoon series.

I just got Moto GP for the PS2 to review. I have about a week to get that done. Soccer's over, but now I have more reviews this month than I've ever had (counting DMB online and America's Army, which I assume is coming this month). That's okay, though. The extra cash will come in handy next month!

The new job is going great! My team has been excellent to work with. And, I'm really enjoying getting back into systems. I've already solved a few Access problems, and it's very rewarding. Honestly, it's the problem-solving aspect that draws me to pseudo-programming and gaming, I believe. I'm getting the hang of the network stuff, too, although it's pretty convoluted. Overall, though, I'm really happy with the move.

The past couple of days, the kids and I have had some fun playing Dance Dance Revolution. I might get another DDR title for Christmas, for some fresh tunes. Also, the Wii came in yesterday. I just had to open the shipping box and look at it, since I've never seen one - even in the store! We got Mario Party, Paper Mario, and Wii Play to go along with it. I know we'll be having a blast Christmas morning...

Glamorous Life

2007-10-29T19:57:00.000-05:00

Reviewing video games for pay isn't always as glamorous as it seems. Recently, I was stuck with reviewing NBA 08 The Life v3 for the PS2. The review is here. Trust me, it's no fun trudging through trash like that, even if I got the game for free and a small check for doing it. Next up is Thrillville: Off the Rails. The kids and I both had fun with the original Thrillville for the Xbox, so I'm looking forward to this one.

America's Army should be coming in November, and I'm also in the throws of getting my butt kicked in the Diamond Mind Online baseball league. I'm having fun, though...

The boys had a tough soccer tournament this weekend. Since we won our division, we had to play up a division in the tournament. The boys were bigger, faster, and more skillful than teams in our league, but we competed well. Unfortunately, we didn't win any (we tied one 4-4, and lost the others 3-1 and 3-2, respectively), but the boys showed they belonged. We outplayed all three teams, but just couldn't finish (except for the first game, where they lobbed in a goal with 3 seconds left to tie it). Oh well, it was a great year, and we should be moving up a division next season. The best part is that the boys really do like each other and get along, and they play as a team. There are no "superstars" out there; everyone contributes to the cause.

We get a little break through Thanksgiving, and then Darrin starts Upward basketball, followed by indoor soccer in January. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't running the kids everywhere! I love every minute of it, though...

Long Day

2007-10-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

Once a month, I have to attend a meeting that begins at 7AM. My normal start time is 7:30 AM. The meeting is held at one of our other offices – the one that is closer to my house than my actual office. So, basically starting early is not a big deal.

So there I was. Seated at a table of 8 or 9 people and I was the only “chick.” Again, not a big deal.

What was a big deal was when one of the company’s owner’s sons was giving a hard time to a guy on my team. He, in no uncertain terms, stated I was hired as the administrator of the program so why hasn’t my team member turned over those duties to me thus far?

GULP!

This hit me out of left field. It hit me hard. Inside I was seething. I cannot fix or claim or understand that which I knew nothing about until you slapped me in the face with it. Apparently, everyone at the table knew this was coming except me. Perhaps they were testing me. Perhaps they needed to see if I was capable of handling such directness. I was hoping my Crucial Conversation skills would kick in...anytime now.

In order to turn the focus from my team member to me, my supervisor asked what I thought regarding how things have been going so far. I normally and internally count to 10 before answering a question of this nature but, seeing as I was already up to 110 and, still semi-seething (better than completely seething), I answered, calmly and slowly, from my gut:

“I was under the impression that things were going well. In fact, I would have said, extremely (and better than expected) well. However, this is the first time I’m hearing that there’s a problem so, what exactly am I NOT doing and why is it that I’m just hearing about it now?”

The ‘son’ explained that this was not something he brought up in order to place the focus on me, but rather on my teammate. I can’t say that made me feel any better. Keep in mind that my team and I work in different offices. The “next in command” also spoke up stating there was no way I would know such things but now that it was on the table, I could look into getting it resolved. (Like I don’t have enough to do?) I have walked into numerous issues that need to be resolved. I’ve walked into a mess. You’ve got to dig out before you can dig in. I can do that. One day at a time.

By the end of last week, I had it fairly well resolved and that’s a start.

Couple that with my slap on the wrist from the IT department (I failed to follow proper protocol with my request. I'm sure you're not surprised. It's the difference between getting it done today and getting it done next week). As you can see, I’ve had a stellar week.

All is well though. IT hooked me up with what I needed (though my wrists are still a bit bruised!), I solved a problem for my team (with a little help, a little persistence, and a little nudging), and I made it through yet another week thinking that I just might fit in here someday.

Not today, tomorrow, or anytime soon mind you. But someday. Maybe.
__________________________________________________________

Song I listened to this week that summed it up and got me through:

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It’s been a long day, long day.
(Artist: Matchbox 20/Song: Long Day/CD: Yourself or Someone Like You)

They Did It!

2007-10-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

No, unfortunately, I'm not talking about my Indians making the World Series or my Crew making the playoffs, but I am excited that my son's soccer team finished the season undefeated! They were playing winless Olentangy on Saturday, and built a 4-0 lead (without our best goal scorer, who was out of town). As a reward, the coach flip-flopped the defenders and attackers for the second half, so my son got to play on the left wing. He got a goal! I was proud of him. He broke free on a through-ball for a one-on-one with the goalie. Instead of panicking and firing away blindly, he took his time deaked back to the right, and pushed the shot past the goalie. It was well taken, and our last goal of the game in a 5-0 shutout. Up next is our last tournament. Hopefully, the squad can bring back some well-earned hardware.

I often bemoan about being an Ohio sports fan, but in retrospect, it's been a pretty good year. The Buckeyes got to the national championship game in football and basketball, the Zips hoops team had 26 wins (and were robbed of a post-season birth), the Indians made it all the way to one game before reaching the World Series, and the Cavs got to the NBA Finals. No championships, but many of my teams had stellar years. Even the Browns are 3-3, although that's a bit sweet and sour for me, since I'm not a fan of Savage or Crennel, or many of the players on the squad (Edwards, Quinn, Winslow Jr., Lewis, etc.). "Next year" is looking pretty good for just about all of my teams, so I guess I can't complain… too much…

Right now, I'm working up a review for "NBA 08 the Life v3" for the PS2. It's been laborious, for sure. First of all, there is no franchise-type mode at all. Even in season mode, things like the salary cap don't apply. Consequently, I traded Larry Hughes pretty easily for another similarly-rated point guard, which would never happen in real life due to Hughes' contract. Also, there are no injuries, and after simulating several seasons independently, no team signed a free agent. There's not much meat there for NBA fans…

"The Life" is supposed to be the main attraction in the game, where you assume a role on a team who's on a mission to win one more championship before the coach retires. This story is held together by cut scenes surrounded by mini-games, often not related to each other. Most of the mini-games are the same practice drills you can choose in single player mode! It's incredibly drawn out, and pretty lame, by all accounts.

Lastly, on the floor, it's not too bad of a game. The controls aren't as complex as the other NBA game alternatives, which makes it fairly easy to pick up and play. I like the "shot halo" and the area of the floor that lights up to help you grab rebounds, especially. However, I wouldn't call it a "great" NBA experience. I've seen a few AI leaks, like when the point guard tries to start the offense by passing to the wing before getting to half court, which always results in an easy steal. Most players wouldn't do that at the high school level, let alone in the NBA. That said, I need to give it a few more hours before passing judgment. Maybe there's some value in there somewhere...

Game Over!

2007-10-15T20:38:00.000-05:00

My son's soccer team clinched their league tonight! They're 8-0-1, with one game to go. They play the winless, last place team on Saturday with a chance to go undefeated, which is quite an accomplishment! They play great team soccer, and are building a foundation for more successful seasons to come.

Overall, they're 12-2-1 this year. They've gone 2-1 in both tournaments, and haven't brought home any hardware. They have one more chance to win a tournament at the end of October, but they'll likely be moved up a division, which will lessen their chances. Any way you slice it, though, this is a season to be proud of!

On the gaming front, I'm still working on the Diamond Mind online game, which will take a while (it's a 9 week online season; 162 games). I also have NBA 08 "The Life" for the PS2. Unfortunately, there don't appear to be any of the funny commercials that accompanied the first iteration of this series. Hopefully, those old commercials won't be more fun than the game...

All Goo Things Must Come To An End

2007-10-07T16:23:00.000-05:00

And so, after two very full years of touring, the Goo Goo Dolls last stop was none other than Cleveland, Ohio. What a night. Forget there was the long wait in line since tickets were general admission. (And by long wait, I do mean 2+ hours). Forget that there was no A/C while standing in line, nor inside the venue. Forget that I was wearing boots with a fairly thick 3.5-inch heel. Forget that we were hot, it was stifling, the opening act came on 30 minutes late and played at least 4 songs too many (out of 6 total). Not that they were bad mind you, they were just late. We were sweaty to the point of feeling gross. All you could think about was a shower. I was just not in the right mindset to even comment or appreciate the opening act called Verona Grove (from Wisconsin). Their songs definitely fall under the category of “pop.” They tried to infuse a portion of Avril Lavigne’s hit “Girlfriend” into one of their songs, which felt like a plea for applause. They are a 3-man band comprised of twenty-somethings that were thrilled, but out of their league, when it came to opening for the Goo Goo Dolls. I half wonder if they are going to be on the Good Caramel label (Robbie’s record label) since they were the “chosen,” I assume, as the opening act.

This show was a “cancel and reschedule”, so perhaps the Goos just gave Verona Grove a shot. I don’t know how it works but the sentiment was appreciated. Some bands are worth the wait and this one wasn’t. In their defense, I believe there were technical difficulties that they could not have anticipated or fixed so it wasn’t their entire fault. It just didn’t help the evening. They touted their new CD, asked us to visit them on MySpace (“We need friends” declared the lead singer), and met any fans willing in the corridors after their performance. Let’s see if they are willing to do the same if and when they “make it.” The Goo Goo Dolls certainly are. I have my photo to prove it. Verona Grove, later that evening, could be seen “stage left” watching and learning from the Goos. It will be interesting to see how that pans out.

I turned to my friend and said, “Just let me know when you are ready to go.” The Goos hadn’t even hit the stage yet. It was that hot – I was delirious. We were dehydrating faster than we could hydrate ourselves (and we didn’t want to lose our place in the mosh pit.)

And then it happened. Pink Floyd’s ‘You Better Run’ came on. And for those who don’t know, that’s the music they play this tour, right before the GGD take the stage.

Everything went pitch black.

And then there was light.

Light that swirled across your face, down your body and over your head – blinding you and begging you not to turn away because you would miss it. You would miss the Goo Goo Dolls take the stage. And then the heat was different. Much different. A mother walked her daughter away from the stage. Heat exhaustion. Johnny.

We moved closer.

A breeze from nowhere circled momentarily, giving you a chance to cool down and catch your breath before you would lose it all over again, and again, and again.

We sang. We danced. We pushed forward. We smiled. We cheered. We laughed and our faces hurt. Our voices tomorrow would be non-existent. We would not leave until the encore, which included America Girls (Tom Petty), was a distant memory. It was rockin’! Johnny was in a great mood. Robbie, naturally, had more energy than the sum of everyone in the room. It’s like he feeds of our energy and we feed of his – this vicious circle and feeding frenzy. It works. He was crazy that night and we felt it. We got crazy too.

Johnny was in rare form. He could do no wrong. And then he told Mike to sing. Mike, of course, is the drummer. He did a drum solo that would blow us way. It was unfathomable. He’s amazing and doesn’t get half the credit he deserves. And then they played their 1st hit, “NAME”. I’ve quoted partial lyrics in this blog before (“Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far.”) But Johnny, still feeling silly made Robbie take over lead vocals and later, bid Mike to sing. Just for the record, Mike DOES NOT sing. Johnny told us to chant, so we did. “Mike! Mike! Mike…” Mike was freakin’ out. He didn’t know how to get out of this

Direct from the blog at the Goo Goo Dolls official website:

September 26th, 2007 - NAME
We won’t tell them you sang, Mike. We had a sing along to one of our songs and all three of us took a chance at the mic, not being so odd since Robby does several songs a show anyway, but it was a twist when John handed the mic over to Mike who from behind the drums did his very best William Shatner … thank you Cleveland for a fun show tonight...

And thank you Goo Goo Dolls for a fun, memorable, crazy, lively, unforgettable night!

It was “one of those nights.” Something rare happened and we were part of it.

We felt like we were right in the center of it all. You know that everything depends on the center.

Sure, you can live on the edge but, remember that the most important thing about the center is this:

The center must hold.

_________________________________________________________________

Hold on
Before its too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

(Before Its Too Late/The Goo Goo Dolls/From the Transformers movie)

I thought it only happened in (poorly coded) video games

2007-10-04T19:34:00.000-05:00

Last night, in the first playoff game between the Cubs and the Diamondbacks, Lou Piniella made a gaffe usually reserved for second-rate video game managerial AI. The Cubs had two on in the top of the seventh inning in a 1-1 game. Their ace pitcher, Carlos Zambrano, was at the plate. Now, anybody that follows baseball knows that Piniella has two options:

1. Leave Zambrano in to hit, even though the best-hitting pitchers are usually worse that the worst-hitting position player on the bench, so you can get at least one more inning out of him, or

2. Pinch-hit for Zambrano and go for the runs, and hope your bullpen comes through

Lou totally dropped the ball. He allowed Zambrano to hit in the top of the seventh (he struck out), then put him on the bench and brought in a reliever to pitch the bottom of the seventh, who subsequently gave up the go-ahead home run! Any reviewer worth his salt would lambaste a video game for this mistake, yet here's a manager who's got 40 years' experience in the game and a World Series ring making this error!

His excuse was that he didn't want to run up Zambrano's pitch count (it was at 85), so he could save him for game 4, and that he trusts his bullpen. Well, there's some problems with that logic. First of all, if you don't win, there may not be a game four! Secondly, if you trust your bullpen, why did you leave your worst hitter in the lineup out there to hit, knowing you were going to pull him from the game, anyway?! Sorry, Lou, that's weak. And, to top it off, almost none of the talking-head sports anchors mentioned the part about letting Zambrano hit. Boo-yeah, these guys are real experts...

Stuntman Ignition Review

2007-10-03T19:38:00.000-05:00

My review is up at Gameshark. Stuntman Ignition is a great game, and I highly recommend it.

Next in the queue is a review of an online, historical version of baseball season-replay king Diamond Mind Baseball. It looks pretty neat, because there are nearly 4000 players available, from all eras, with normalized statistics and modern-day contracts. You draft your team within a $100 million salary cap (sorry, the Yankees couldn't compete in this league!), and play a 162 game season over 9 weeks. Well, you don't actually play, but you do have the option of watching (or should I say "reading") the play-by-play of each game unfold, or just checking the box scores.

DMB is an excellent product, and highly realistic. I'm looking forward to answering some of those age-old baseball questions about "who's better." FYI - the Babe checks in at a $25 million salary! Yikes!

iLove my iPhone

2007-09-29T16:32:00.000-05:00

The original wallpaper on the iPhone is a photo of the Earth taken from space. It’s cool. I left it like that for the few weeks I’ve had it. Today, with a little spare time, I changed it to Van Gogh’s Starry Night.

My first “issue” with the iPhone had nothing to do with the phone itself and everything to do with my cable company (TW). Big surprise. Anyway, thanks to David Pogue (author of iPhone The Missing Manual, the problem has been solved.

I was able to receive mail but unable to send it. That’s a big deal. So off to see what Mr. Pogue had to say about that. To be honest, I tried both fix #1 and #2 but neither worked. I ended up using fix #3, which was to use AT&T (official carrier for iPhone) for my outgoing mail. It seems to be working but I won’t know for sure until Monday. If it isn’t, you’ll know by Monday as well.

The other issue I had is I inputted all my contacts but when I synced, I lost them. I haven’t synced since and I know some patches and updates are available. That’s just another cool thing about the iPhone. They tell you NEVER buy the first version because there are bugs and glitches. However, those bugs and glitches are so easy to fix when you just sync your iPhone like you would your iPod. It’s instantaneous. And let’s face it, in a world that demands instant gratification, this is pretty sweet. Hopefully I won’t lose my contacts this time. It’s pretty time consuming to re-enter them and the iPhone doesn’t sync with Outlook contacts. I’ll see what Mr. Pogue has to say about that tomorrow. (If you have a Yahoo, Gmail, .mac or AOL account , you'll be just fine!)

The battery also has to be charged each night if you spend a decent amount of time on- line like I do. Not really a big deal to me though.

Finally for today, you've never seen e-mail on a phone like this. Let me quote David Pogue, "Dude, if you want a more satisfying portable email machine than this one, buy a laptop."

That’s all I’ve had time to comment on so far. Between the new job, school, and life in general, not to mention an over the top Goo Goo Doll concert (future blog to follow), it’s been a little hectic and I haven’t devoted the time the iPhone deserves. It’s been pretty effortless to use and update, and I’m thrilled and proud to own one. I showed it to a less than savvy gadget person who proclaimed, “I must have one.”

I’m surprised I waited as long as I did to purchase mine. I mean, I did get in on the “unprecedented” drop in price, but still…it’s just so cool.

Change is the only constant

2007-09-28T20:14:00.000-05:00

That's one of the mantras at my place of employment. At times, I think it might be better said that ambiguity is the only constant, but I don't think they'd take my suggestion.

However, I firmly believe, and have witnessed several times, that change brings opportunity! And, for me, that occurred last week. I'm migrating from a training coordinator position to a systems coordinator position. Training/people development and systems are my two loves, so there really is no way for me to lose. I haven't held a systems job for nearly 3 years at my company, so I'm excited to get back into it. Plus, the systems job is more "stable," which bodes better for my near future. To be fair - I don't want to paint the wrong picture - one thing my company does very well is give folks ample opportunity to find something else within the company when their job is being "transitioned" away. It's not always the best situation, but it's better than the way most companies use the "pink slip." My previous job wasn't up for "transition," but I think it's likely that in the near future changes of that nature could happen.

So, I'll be learning a lot of new things, and re-learning some old things. I am looking forward to it. I did hear through the "grapevine" that some folks aren't too happy about the decision, but that's nothing I haven't had to handle before. There are enough good people in enough right places to get things done, and to make some good relationships along the way. Plus, I'm pretty confident in my own abilities!

Enough about work - it's the weekend!

I submitted my Stuntman - Ignition review earlier in the week (who knows when it will get posted). I gave it an A-; the highest rating I've given an Xbox 360 game yet. Quite frankly, it's definitely the best 360 game I've reviewed so far, and among the best I've played. I'll post a link when it's on Gameshark.

My next project is a review of an online version of Diamond-Mind Baseball. I'm going to start looking into that this weekend. Plus, I might be getting a Sherlock Holmes game to review. I love me a good mystery!

Sitting Pretty

2007-09-23T15:16:00.000-05:00

It doesn’t happen very often, at least not to me.

Some of my friends have landed jobs that are “overwhelming” or jobs they simply dislike for a myriad of reasons. Some have even been told, “You have very big shoes to fill.” My one friend keeps telling me, “I can’t keep up.”

Well, I can’t imagine having to be the one that follows the “one” - the one that was deemed ‘stellar’. You surely can appreciate how dreadful and dismal this all sounded to me. I didn’t’ have a choice though. Just like them, I had to start over. I was a little perplexed, pre-occupied, and looking for a Plan B.

Me… The chick that has to find a new job and hears all these horror stories.

Me… About to start this new job that I’m not even sure I want.

Me… I know…it’s all about ME!

As it turns out, to my utter dismay and astonishment, I recently learned that numerous candidates applied for this job. That being said, I ended up, so far, and this is only week # 3 mind you, I ended up “sitting pretty.”

Believe me, I am as shocked as you are.

I know most people do the best job they can. I’m sitting pretty right now because anything I do is a vast improvement over my predecessor, who I’m sure did their best. We all know it’s hard to fit in. I struggle too, with my new work environment, new responsibilities, and new politics. I hate being the new person. I just went through this crap in tech school! I lost my comfort zone, my freedom, and my vacation. I have to prove myself all over again. But fate, or faith, or something I cannot discern or name, stepped in.

I am coming in at the perfect time – when digging out and digging in is required, and more than needed; when new procedures and standards need to be formulated and implemented. When new protocols must be established and adhered too. Where dire straits exist and must be eradicated. All I can tell you is that this quagmire exists and could have extremely detrimental effects. I have my hands full.

I’m also sitting in class right now as I hand write this missive in my notebook. It’s been a very long day for me and I need a break…a break to blog.

I wish I were sitting as pretty in class as I am in my new job.

iOrdered

2007-09-18T20:07:00.000-05:00

Great deal. Done deal.

I ordered my 8GB iPhone last Sunday. I also ordered the protective sleeve that fits over the top because I KNOW there will be plenty of fingerprints otherwise. Oh, and I don’t just mean mine. I’m including all those people who want to handle the coolness of MY iPhone, and physically mess with its on-line capabilities and functionality! It’s just like all those who wanted to play with MY ROOMBA! Well, someone has to be the trailblazer of these gadgets and it might as well be me. A girl could do worse.

My brother has had the iPhone for weeks. He said he logged onto a blog to check out a few things but it was filled with pre-purchasers, like him, harping big time on the major price cut that is, to date, “unprecedented.” He said it’s the price you pay for being the trailblazer of new toys, and the $100 rebate is better than nothing. Still, I’m glad I waited.

My brother still thinks his iPhone is the coolest thing he owns and let me tell you, he owns plenty of cool things. I usually get a few of his “old” toys and they are always in mint condition. I contact him before Best Buy. Seriously! Well, to my good fortune yet again, he accidentally ordered two copies of iPhone: The Missing Manual by David Pogue. He was going to return the extra copy but low and behold, he got e-mail from me with a plethora of iPhone questions. His answers simply solidified what I already knew: It was time for me to own an iPhone. So, he sent me the extra copy instead of returning it. I sent him a check and he ripped it up. I’ll be baking him homemade chocolate chip cookies for that. In all seriousness though, if any of you own an iPhone, this book comes very highly recommended.

According to “Kevin,” my iPhone salesperson (not my blog friend), all I need to do when my phone arrives is plug it in to my PC like I do my iPod. Then I can transfer my existing AT&T phone number to my new phone. Sounds too easy. He said it can take anywhere from two hours to two days for the changeover but hey, I’ve waited this long. It paid off too considering the “unprecedented” price drop. Warning: Be aware that your current monthly bill with increase by $20.

So, let’s recap.

IPhone 8 GB: $399.00
Protective Cover: $ 14.95
Leather Case: $ 34.95

Being the owner of an iPhone…. PRICELESS!

Cool phrase I stumbled upon once again:

Ships are only safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships were built for

Do Not Bend

2007-09-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

When I walked into my second interview (of my new and current job), I smugly handed over my Microsoft Office Specialist certificate (in Access). I was pretty proud of that certificate. I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but as excited as I was to receive the certificate, I was equally as disappointed when I realized it wasn’t signed by Bill Gates (though it was signed by two other individuals). I know you are all laughing out there. Trust me, you don’t want to look so smug!

My friends laughed at me. “You think Bill Gates is going to sign certificates?” Even my new boss scoffed at the notion, “Bill Gates? Yeah, right.” And this is why I hate to have high expectations or get too excited about anything because it ends up being a let down. I’m sure you know the old adage that goes something like, don’t get to close - it spoils the illusion. It’s true. It’s happened to many of us, but we try not to lose hope. I just really wanted to see Mr. Gates’ signature. He’s one of the top five people I would like to meet. (Actually, he’s number two).

Well, I just received notice I could get a digital copy of my MCP (Microsoft Certified Professional) certificate. I printed it off the site and promptly (still a little smugly) handed it over to my new boss. It felt good. I then signed up for my Microsoft “Welcome” kit, and was told it would be about six weeks.

Imagine my surprise when it came three weeks early! It was packed protectively and marked “DO NOT BEND” in bold red letters. Inside was my official Microsoft Certified Professional card (same size as a credit card) and yes, laugh if you must, a Microsoft Certified Professional pin. Well, it may not have looked right on my denim jacket covered with guitar pins and concert buttons that I wore with pride many years ago, but I will find a proper place for it.

The official certificate itself is what made my mouth drop. The kit comes in a cardboard booklet. The certificate is on the left side while the pin and card reside on the right. There was just something about that certificate that hit my core. Something that made the geek in me beam just a little brighter. Something that put that smug, sly, slow-shaping smile form across my face until my cheeks hurt. Something that made the words “DO NOT BEND” more critically necessary.

The certificate read:

“Microsoft Certificate of Excellence” and my name, followed by, “Has successfully completed the requirements to be recognized as a Microsoft Certified Professional.”

Cool! But it was the very last line that caused the burning and forced me to take a deep breath. The last line was handwritten. Two words…

Bill Gates

Driving Me Mad

2007-09-14T20:08:00.000-05:00

My NASCAR 08 review has been posted. I'm currently in the process of reviewing Stuntman. Man, from one white-knuckle driving game to another...

I don't have a ton to say about Stuntman yet, but if you like Burnout and Project Gotham Racing, then Stuntman is for you. It's really a combination of both of those games, except instead of causing the mayhem like in Burnout, you get as close to it as you can, but avoid it, in Stuntman. Plus, you try to string driving tricks and stunts together, much like earning Kudos in PGR. I haven't decided if I think it's worth a purchase versus a rental, but driving fans really should give Stuntman a go.

It's Always the Quarterback's Fault

2007-09-11T20:28:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I'm a graduate of the University of Akron, so I am definitely biased…

The Browns traded Charlie Frye to the Seattle Seahawks for a sixth round pick.

First of all, I'm happy for Charlie. He has been set up for failure since day one of this year. The plan was to make all the quarterbacks look incompetent, give none of them the appropriate amount of repetitions, and shatter their confidence so that golden boy Brady Quinn can take the helm. And, in doing so, Savage and Crennel hope to add one more year to their contracts. It's the only way they can save their jobs, given that the state of the Browns is about as bad as it was in 1999, when they returned to the NFL. Savage and Crennel sacrificed the future for Quinn, giving up a sure-to-be high first round draft pick in next year's draft to get him. Their built-in excuse will be that they're breaking in a future star quarterback, and look how much the team improved. Yep, the Browns have led the league in moral victories for the last eight years.

Quinn may turn out to be a good pro, but his track record in big games is poor. Maybe they bought into Charlie Weises' bluster in regard to his talent? Ohio State, USC, LSU, twenty-one other NFL teams, and even the vaunted Michigan Wolverines sure didn't. If you throw Quinn out there now, he has no chance. The line can't block, the receivers can't separate or catch, there is no talent at running back (please don't argue that Jamal still has anything in the tank), and Quinn will be sure to take a ton of hits, making him gun-shy. That's exactly what happened to Tim Couch, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, and Charlie Frye. Garcia goes to another team, and then all of the sudden regains his form. I expect Charlie to have similar results, in a system where the coaches will take advantage of his abilities, build his confidence, and work him into the rotation on a team with talent. Or, at the very worst, Charlie will serve as a solid backup throughout his career. That doesn't sound so bad, does it? Ask Tim Couch…

Charlie has had four offensive coordinators in three years. He has a head coach that flips coins to determine who will start prior to games. And, he had a fickle fan base who always thinks the backup quarterback is the best player on the team (see Holcomb, Jeff). Charlie will hold a clipboard in Seattle. But, when the time comes, be it when Hasselback retires or gets injured, or through free agency to another team, he'll get another shot. And, I think he'll show his true talent. I watched this kid in Akron for four years, under difficult circumstances, thrive. He is a winner, a team player, and fearless on the field. He has a good arm, and despite what the Browns would have you think, he can read defenses and make plays. He did lead the league in completion percentage last year, after all.

The Browns have many more problems than just the quarterback. Heck, they had four penalties on one punt play last week - the play that the punter let the ball go through his hands, to boot! They need a better offensive line, a good running back, dependable receivers, a pass rusher to compliment Wimbley, depth at linebacker, and some cornerbacks. Otherwise, they're ready to contend…

It's hard to watch this - the eighth year of this crap. At least I'm free from worrying about Frye having to be perfect to keep his job. Let's just see how good Anderson, Quinn, and Dorsey really are… And, ultimately, will it really win them any more games? I predict 2-14 for this crappy team...

Gotta Go to Goo!

2007-09-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

We said we wouldn’t do it.

We said we did it before and we won’t do it again.

We won’t have crappy concert seats. We can’t. Not after I won the radio contest. Not after meeting the band and having a photo op. Not after having second row center seats. We’re spoiled now.

Then I went and ordered tickets from the fan club site, fully expecting that membership had its privileges. The little pop-up notice said I’d get my seat number and row before I exited…so I went for it. I was “all in.” Even when I saw the “GA” (General Admission) seat number, I kept clicking away thinking, “I gotta go to Goo!”

Then I was just annoyed. I felt betrayed. I should run that website (because I have so much free time these days!) I hate “general admission.” I don’t do “general admission” anymore. I couldn’t stop clicking away at the keyboard – like the sound of the “clackers” (those girls whose stilettos make that “clickety-clack” sound on the polished floors as in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada. I’m a clacker!) I'm also a general admission ticket holder.

The tickets arrived and I tossed them aside. Then the concert was cancelled, rescheduled and moved to a new, smaller, venue. OK, time to fess up to the purchase. Well, I told my concert going friend I had tickets. I explained they could also, due to the date and venue change, be returned for a full refund (they were cheap considering what we’re used to paying a broker for second row center seats). I said, “I know it’s general admission. I know it’s on a Wednesday evening. I know we said we wouldn’t do this but…”

My friend said, “I think we should go.” I smiled one of those very slow, sly kind of smiles. I closed my eyes and nodded approvingly thinking, "You gotta see Goo too!"

And that was that. So now I’m going to work on coming in late to my new job the day after seeing our beloved Goo Goo Dolls! I have a couple weeks to work on it.

More importantly, I’m going to see one of my top two favorite bands! I’m seeing the Goo Goo Dolls for the 4th time in a year and a half. How cool is that?

…And scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far
(From their first hit “Name,” by the Goo Goo Dolls)

Weekend Update (not the funny SNL version)

2007-09-07T19:09:00.000-05:00

It looks like I’m on a pace for weekly updates… I guess that's better than nothing!

College football has kicked off, and I couldn't be more excited! Last weekend was a dream weekend for me. Akron and Ohio State won handily, Notre Dame was crushed, and Michigan fell victim in the greatest upset in college football history! This weekend, however, will be a nightmare, as my alma mater (Akron) faces the team I've supported my whole life (Ohio State). Since my time at Akron is a big part of who I am, and it's where I met my lovely wife, I can't help but root for them always. Although, it will be difficult this week, due to my immense love for OSU. Fortunately, the dastardly Big Ten Network isn't part of my cable system, so my emotions won't be twisted by watching the battle wage on. I think Ohio State wins, about 31-13 or so. Akron, hopefully, will be respectable.

I'm hoping that Penn State destroys Notre Dame, and that Michigan falls again, this time to Oregon. Kent State also visits Kentucky, which I'm going to record (I bought the Game Plan package this year) so I can scout the losers from Kent (Akron's chief rival) and hopefully see my third-favorite team (Kentucky - my parents are from there, and my dad went there for a year) secure an easy win.

Darrin's soccer team played in a tournament last weekend. They went 2-1, losing to the eventual champion in a closely contested game, 3-1. It looks like they'll be pretty good this year. The most exciting part was when the coach called Darrin's name to take a penalty kick. Darrin's a defender, and he's only scored a few goals in all of the seasons he's played travel soccer. He stepped up, went upper left over the goalie, and put away the last game we played. It was exciting, and best of all, we got it on videotape!

Brittany's softball season started this Tuesday. She's young enough to where she's still in one of those "nobody keeps score/everybody gets a trophy" kind of leagues, and they use a machine to pitch. She went 2-for-2, and was very excited. Hitting's a big mental thing for her, since she's been hit a couple of times, and is a bit afraid of the ball. Often, if she gets just an inch or two closer to the plate, she'll hit. If she doesn't, she'll strike out. That's a giant leap for her mentally, but I'm proud of her for stepping in there and overcoming her fear. She's got an excellent glove, a decent arm, and good speed. However, I don’t think she loves sports and competing like Darrin does, so she probably won't pursue it too much longer. As a matter of fact, for the first time in a few years, she's not playing soccer. That's okay, though. She's having fun, and that's what's most important. There are plenty of other things to do besides sports, and Brittany is very talented in art, and is quite the actress/comedian/story teller. Most importantly, like Darrin, she does very well in school.

My wife's birthday is Monday. Her dad is coming down to watch the kids' games this weekend. He's also going to baby-sit Saturday night so Melissa and I can go out to dinner. I'm going to take her to a place where we don't have to dump our own trays! We're going to one of the better reputed steakhouses in Columbus: Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Hopefully, it will live up to its reputation. At the very least, we get a "date" for a change.

On the video game front, I got Stuntman in the mail this week, which is my next review for Gameshark. The premise is cool: you're a stunt driver for a movie studio, and you have to execute these elaborate stunts to the director's satisfaction. There also appears to be a bit of a "sandbox" mode, where you can set up your own stunts. You have the ability to save replays of your best work, as well. I don't know if the game will have enough legs to be a keeper, but I'm excited about giving it a run. I'm good at crashing in driving games, so hopefully it will pay off in Stuntman!

Hard Knocks

2007-08-30T17:17:00.000-05:00

After a six-year hiatus, HBO's excellent Hard Knocks series has returned to television this season. For the uninitiated, Hard Knocks is a behind-the-scenes look at life in training camp for a professional football team. This season's subject is the Kansas City Chiefs. Previous subjects included the Baltimore Ravens and the Dallas Cowboys.

Even though I'm not a fan of the Chiefs, I find the subject matter so compelling that I watch religiously each week as the drama unfolds. The series does an excellent job of showing the human side of life in professional sports; particularly for those sacrificing their bodies for the dream of making a professional football roster. In addition, viewers get a peek at the work that goes into preparing to compete in a sixty minute NFL contest. If you've ever wondered what meetings are like, what the coaches and player personnel men think, how practices are conducted, what players do while not practicing at training camp, and what professional football players are really like as people, then this series is for you.

I can also heartily recommend Next Man Up: A Year Behind the Lines in Today's NFL, by John Feinstein. It is a book that covers much of the same material broached by Hard Knocks, except it extends through the entire length of a season. Even though the book chronicles the hated Baltimore Ravens (well, hated by me - a Browns fan - anyway), it is excellent reading.

If you're fan of the NFL, you need to spend time with this excellent material. You'll see the game in a way you may not have considered previously.

My Quick Update Too!

2007-08-30T08:57:00.001-05:00

Wow. It's been awhile. Even Kevin thinks I'm MIA.

I've been catching up with friends and family this week before I start my new job on a full time basis. I've been going in once a week just to get acclimated. The other day, I was asked to submit the hours I've work thus far. I asked if I could just take "comp" time (since their vacation policy sucks) and was told, "you're getting both." This left me speechless. I finally muttered "thank you" and believe me, it was more than sincere. There was shock in that muttering as well. So far so good. I'm actually excited to start full time. My office is pretty sweet, has a large window overlooking trees, and everyone has been very nice. I advised my boss that I'd need to leave early or come in late a couple days in the next few months, as I've got these certification exams going on. He said, 'You're salary. Don't worry about it.'

Last Monday, I was scheduled to take my first of three Microsoft exams. I am a horrible test taker. I've always done pretty well with essay questions but that's not what these exams are about. Anyway, I passes exam 70-306 and am now an MCP - Microsoft Certified Professional. I'm on my way slowly but surely. One test down, two to go...

I'm meeting some friends for lunch today, gathering with my old co-workers at the Blue Moose tomorrow night, hitting Crocker Park with another friend on Saturday (and the Cheesecake Factory), and looking forward to the nice, long holiday weekend.

Quick Update

2007-08-29T20:54:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted... Soccer's in full swing, as is softball, plus school just started, and I still have new-hires at work (we lost one, so I'm down to 30, with one more probably to go tomorrow). I'm a busy guy!

I just finished my NASCAR 08 review and submitted it Gameshark. It could be posted anywhere from tomorrow to after Labor Day, given the way it's gone in the past, LOL. NASCAR is a good game. It's got some warts, but hardcore racers and NASCAR fans will like it, methinks.

The Tribe is hanging on. They have their biggest lead of the year right now, after winning 4 in a row. There's still plenty of baseball to play, though.

The Crew did draw against West-leading Houston last weekend, which was a good performance, especially since they were down a man. Hey, it's almost September, and they're still alive, so I guess I can't complain. Fulham is still struggling, but the season has just started. I can still be optimistic, although that may not be very realistic...

College football kicks off this week! Go Bucks! Go Zips!

Lastly, I haven't heard from Kelly in a while. I hope the new job is going well!

Monday Musings

2007-08-20T20:04:00.000-05:00

It was another tough weekend for me as a sports fan.

First of all, my all-time favorite soccer player, Brian McBride, suffered a dislocated knee while taking a shot unmarked from about 5 yards out. It was definitely a freak injury. Brian is 35 years old, and probably doesn't have many more matches in him. He is a US soccer legend, and a great man and human being, by all accounts. I wish him a speedy recovery (he's slated to be out 3 months), and I hope I get the chance to see him hit at least one more of those magnificent headers into the back of the net before he's done. What a shame...

The Crew, currently barely occupying the last playoff spot in the MLS Cup, turned in another listless effort in a 2-0 loss to DC United Saturday night. Watching this team is like riding a roller coaster - one the goes from sucking, to unbelievably great, to sucking again.

Charlie Frye, a fellow Akron alum, is being set up to fail in Cleveland for "golden boy" Brady Quinn (I've never liked Brady; like his college coach, I've always found him disingenuous and smug, like he thinks he's better than everyone). Frye has never really had the full support of the Browns, nor has he had solid talent around him. They've jerked him around from the end of last season with Anderson, who has shown nothing in his limited time. Yet, he gives his all to the team in an effort to win (how many athletes truly do that anymore?). They'll let him take another beating early this year, until the line gels, and then bring in the "Golden Boy" to save the day. And, like most over matched rookies, he'll probably fall on his face, and the Browns will be back to square one of an expansion franchise. You have to be EXCEPTIONAL to succeed as a rookie, and I truly doubt that Quinn is of that caliber. I honestly hope Charlie gets let go, because he needs a fresh start and a change of scenery, with an organization that will give him a fair shake. Also, it would hardly be fair to throw Quinn to the dogs, much like they did to Couch, and to Frye. At least show some restraint, and take the appropriate amount of time to develop a QB, for a change...

At least the Tribe are in first place. For now...

I've been playing NASCAR 08 the last few days. I have some impressions going over at the Sports Gaming Nation. I really like it thus far, but I have a long way to go.

I'm really excited because I think I've just about settled on a slider set that brings an appropriate level of realism back into NCAA Football 08. I've had only one interception by my defense against the CPU QB's in the last three games (all wins by me, by the way). I still have to tweak my pass blocking and the CPU's running game, but I'm really enjoying the action on the field right now, six games into my dynasty.

I still have 3 Xbox 360 games that I haven't even played! Man, I need more time...

Closer and Closer to Counting Crows New CD

2007-08-18T12:44:00.000-05:00

I read it on the Internet so it must be true! (Yes, I’m kidding but I’m also quite hopeful!)

Rumor has it that Counting Crows new CD entitled Saturday Night/Sunday Morning will be available November 6th ! It could be true as new releases are done on Tuesdays since sales figures are released on Mondays.

Even though Adam hates that this happened (Immy, on the other hand, was flattered it appeared on YouTube the very next day), and that people like me spread the word, you can catch a performance of the first single, Cowboys. (I read the name of the first single in his blog along with some other tracks but this is the song I wanted to hear the most. If you’re familiar with “Goodnight Elisabeth,” then you know the lyrics: “we couldn’t all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.” You knew right then and there that Cowboys was just begging to be written by A.D.) He’s a lyrical genius. You can catch the performance at AnnaBegins.com.

Here are the lyrics too, courtesy of Lisa’s Counting Crow Shrine…

Ah, November 6th! And the countdown begins…(I wonder if I should take that day off work…)

The Pony Express has Arrived

2007-08-17T19:00:00.001-05:00

Finally... Yesterday afternoon, I got my copy of NASCAR 08. I'll be digging in as virtual Ricky Bobby pretty heavily this weekend.

Also, I picked up Madden 08 and Call of Duty 3. Toys R Us has a pretty sweet deal, where if you buy Madden 08 you get another game at half price, so I took advantage. I've got a lot of games to play, and I need to start carving out some time! With football about to start, the baseball playoffs being imminent, the EPL kicking off, and the MLS in the stretch run, plus school going back, kids' sports, and 31 new-hires at work, I'm a busy man! Man, I need a nap...

Punch to the Gut

2007-08-12T20:56:00.000-05:00

Ugh. What a horrible sports weekend...

My two favorite soccer clubs, the Columbus Crew and Fulham Football Club (in the English Premiership) both blew games that they controlled for about three-fourths of the match. Fulham's just kicking off their season, and there were plenty of positives, so maybe there's something to build on. The Crew, on the other hand, are in a battle for their playoff lives. They blew a 2-1 lead in the last 15 minutes, despite being up a man! Makes me want to puke...

And, to top it off, the crummy Indians just got swept by the Yankee$. I can take it anymore! Why do I watch sports? Nothing good ever comes of it, and I just get upset.

At least the Browns won. Oh yeah, it was pre-season, and they didn't score an offensive touchdown (neither did KC, by the way). At least Charlie Frye (an Akron grad, like me) was 12-15 for over 120 yards. That's mitigated by the two freshman-in-high-school mistakes he made by throwing a dreadful lateral that was returned for a TD by KC and getting tackled at the 3 yard line to run out the clock at the end of the first half.

I guess I should become a USC fan. They seem like a lock to win the National Championship this year. Of course, if I do, they're guaranteed to blow it.

This sucks.

Hot Shots Tennis Review is Posted

2007-08-09T14:32:00.000-05:00

For the particulars, check out the review at Gameshark. I'm still waiting on NASCAR 08, although I haven't checked today's mail.

The Waiting Game

2007-08-08T20:15:00.000-05:00

The posts have been a little less frequent. Not coincidentally, my son's travel soccer practice has kicked off, eating up some precious "Kevin time" most evenings.

A quick update on the video gaming front… I submitted my Hot Shots Tennis review last week, and I'm still waiting on it to get posted. It should happen this week. Believe it or not, niche PS2 games aren't the highest of priorities at Gameshark! NASCAR 08 has been "in the mail" since last week. I'm not sure what the hold up is, but I'm chomping at the bit to get at that game. Long live Ricky Bobby!

On the sports front, I'm anxiously watching both my Indians and my Crew limp along with playoff hopes. They are both teetering on the brink, but fortunately, neither are out of contention. Brady Quinn finally signed for the Browns. Yawn. Goodbye next year's number one pick, hello Heath Schuler part two. I don't think the Browns will ever climb the mountain.

College football is inching closer and closer! I think the Buckeyes will surprise this year, due to a relatively favorable schedule, and the fact that "Tressel Ball" seems to work better when the coach has a group made up of primarily over-achievers. We're back to the punt being "the most important play in football." Hey, I won't complain, as long as he keeps getting those W's and beating those pukes up north. Although, it looks like scUM will get a measure of revenge this year, with the loaded team they have returning.

The Zips have a lot of holes to fill, but anything can happen in the MAC. Plus, they weren't that great with the hole-fillers that were on the roster last year, so I guess I'll remain optimistic. Unless, however, they lose to Army, after which I will never root for them again… at least until the next game. I mean, really, what should I expect? Success? I'm an Ohio sports fan, for crying out loud!

Prelude To My First Half-Day

2007-08-08T16:31:00.000-05:00

Just to solidify my week, feel more attached to my new employer and less attached to the old one, I sent a very brief e-mail to my new supervisor. It basically reiterated the fact that per our last discussion, I would be there on Friday, early, working a half – day.

His response was a little more detailed. It stated I would be having lunch with him, two other team members (who I’ve already met), the company attorney (a woman, and also the owner’s daughter), and the Chief Administrative Officer. That’s a pretty full first half-day. (And, we’re having lunch at, I kid you not, a sports bar located right next to a biker bar. And yes, in case you were wondering, I’ve been to both.)

The e-mail response also included a note to give my boss a call, which I did, fairly promptly (because one should never seem too anxious)! During the course of that call, I was advised I’d already been signed up for a seminar, all day, next month, downtown, regarding Workers’ Compensation. My friend just got a job downtown so I’m wondering if we can meet for lunch. That’s probably not what should be running through my head but nonetheless, it was.

I was also advised (forewarned) not to park in the “designated” parking spaces, as it’s a pet peeve, so to speak (OK. Well, not on my FIRST day anyway…)

I’ll probably spend the first day setting up my office (that’s one plant, one picture of me and my friend with the Goo Goo Dolls, my mirror, lip gloss, nail file, and lint remover, along with the static guard, band aids, Purell, hand lotion, and an emergency stash of…FOOD). Then, and only then I’ll log on, advise all my friends of my new work e-mail address and phone number, and I get to sit with the IT guy. Oh yeah, I’m going to learn as much as I can from him. I already have his name committed to memory. Can you ever learn enough from your IT people? I may have one of my programming books lying around for good measure. Maybe he’ll be able to explain the “Try,” “Catch,” and “Finally” statements I’m perplexed by in my programming course!

Of course, that could be wishful thinking on my part!

Slider Guru

2007-08-02T14:06:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not talking about "Slider," the mascot of the Cleveland Indians. Although, it is his 17th birthday today. Allow me to digress to a true story...

Seventeen years ago today, I was home after my freshman year of college working at the local YMCA. A friend of mine from high school (who was a year older than me), also worked there. His dad was my history teacher in high school, and I was good friends with the family. On a day off, my friend, his dad, and I decided to attend a scheduled double-header in Cleveland Municipal Stadium against the Yankees. They were both serious Yankees fans, while I supported my Tribe. As usual in those days, the Yankees destroyed the Tribe in game one. Seeking consolation, I leaned over to my friend and remarked that we at least didn't have one of those stupid mascots. In between games one and two, lo and behold, the Indians introduced Slider to the home town faithful. Yep, this is what it's like to be a fan of Cleveland sports...

Back to the topic. My editor and friend Bill Abner is as much or more of a fan of EA's NCAA Football games series as I am. He's also an OSU alum, which makes him cool. Anyway, I've been patiently on hold in my Dynasty waiting for him to come up with the "perfect" set of game play sliders to fix the doggone interception problem. It appears he has! I'm looking forward to starting my Dynasty up again, now that I just submitted my Hot Shots Tennis review. I've never played on Heisman level regularly, so I imagine that will suck. But hey, I'm used to it, look at how my Indians are doing now.

Gainfully Employed But With a Price and an Attitude

2007-07-31T16:18:00.000-05:00

After my second interview, I was feeling pretty excited and extremely relieved. The job offer was on its way to me via e-mail. I was talking to some close friends and close co-workers about the new direction my life was taking once again. It’s hard to think clearly when you realize you’re going to be able to bank all your severance, not skip a beat when it comes to a paycheck, and probably have the iPhone by Christmas!

So there was my office, with a window, a flat panel monitor, a phone with my name programmed into it (so they can monitor my phone calls...I know), and business cards on the way. Everyone is friendly, they all appear to be smiling and generally pretty happy to be there.

The money was right where I needed it to be. There would be a 90-day review of performance and salary (not bad, right?) and a yearly review of both after that. I only had two questions left. The answers sucked both the excitement and relief of finding this job right out of me. It also set me up with an entire batch of new problems. In my mind, I’m trying to work them all out before they even happen. Everything seemingly appears to be manageable, and then I wake up. I’m solving all my issues in my dreams but need to figure out how to make that a reality. Honestly, they don’t give you much to work with.

Two very important things for me are vacation and sick time, and I inquired about both. The answers were the worst I’d received since I’d started interviewing. While I’d rather be working than be sick, a migraine can pretty much take me down for the count and I happen to be prone to them. Truthfully, if you want me to be on top of my game when I’m at work, you’re going to have to give me time off to play and time off to recuperate when ill. Both numbers were surprisingly low. (So I’m going to have to add them together in order to see any light at the end of the tunnel).

The best I can come up with after that is, I’ll be taking a few days without pay (not just to “bridge” the gap but to “bridge the gaping wound)! I’m perfectly OK with that. I just wonder if they’ll be perfectly OK with that? I didn’t ask. I got my foot in the door and now we’ll just take it one step at a time.

I’m also approaching this with a bit of an attitude. I know that sounds awful. I’m not an ingrate. I’m just a little “spoiled” at my current job. And yes, I’m also losing my current job. It’s like culture shock to leave one environment for another and, while I am definitely ready for a change, I’m certainly not ready for such a drastic one.

So, back to my attitude…

This 90-day review is a two-way street. So, if the pay increase isn’t as substantial as I’d like, and if the “time off” isn’t as flexible as I need, I can always look for something else. After all, I have no loyalty to this company at this time. (By the way, loyalty is really underrated these days, isn’t it?)

I’ll have completed school (I hope) and banked some money to live on (plus there’s the severance payment from my current job – AKA the “bridge” to get me from Point A to Point B. Or, in this case, Point B to Point C). While I’m hoping this is not the scenario that plays out, I just need to have a “Plan B” or “way out” if I need one.

Next, I have absolutely no desire to “personalize” my office. I just don’t want to get too comfortable. I want to go one day at a time and see how I feel after 90 days. I’ll work hard, prove my mettle, and I’ll come in with a great attitude on the outside. My insides will twist as my comfort and trust levels are more eschewed than usual these days. I am afraid to put any roots down.

Losing my current job has certainly done a number on me. I’d ask if this was normal but I have absolutely no idea what “normal” is. (Anyway, normal seems boring most of the time!) I faxed over my acceptance of the offer on Friday the 13th! It just seemed the right thing to do (as if tempting fate is ever on my side!) I signed the agreement on the 12th though as I’m not nearly as brave as I thought I was when it comes to fates and superstitions. (Just another thing I learned about myself along the journey…)

A friend pointed out long ago (when yet another crisis/tragedy/shoe feel) that I tend to “compartmentalize” my life. I definitely separate “work” and “home.” Somehow, it gives me balance. I’m not an “open book” but I’m not entirely a “closed book” either. I’m just cautious.

Finally, regarding the new job, they mentioned the Christmas party the company throws every year. As fate would have it, it’s held in the same building where I was advised that I’d be losing my job in 6 months. In my mind, I’m already out of town visiting someone, somewhere at that time. I’m sure, not even knowing the date of the party yet, that I have a previous commitment or prior engagement to attend. (How much do you want to bet the party is held not only in the same building but also in the same room? You KNOW it will be!)

Let me be perfectly honest here. With the miniscule vacation and sick leave they’re offering, there’s no way they’re getting one of my “free” nights.

NO WAY!

So let me properly end this missive and my cynicism with a quote from Sir Bobby Robson, English football manager and former international football player:

“You only get out of life what you put into it. If you don't work hard and
haven't got enthusiasm, nothing comes your way.”

Review News

2007-07-25T22:35:00.000-05:00

I just got Hot Shots 2 for the PS2 in the mail on Monday. I'm posting some impressions over at the Sports Gaming Nation. The short version is that it appears to be more of a kids' game, and not real deep, but offering a pretty solid game of tennis.

The NASCAR 08 demo is out on Xbox Live. I'm waiting on my review copy, but if I don't get it soon, I'll probably d/l the demo this weekend and give it a ride.

I play a lot of racing games, but I honestly don't watch that much racing on TV. As silly as this sounds, Talladega Nights has me kid of excited for this game. Ironically, the combination of that silly (but great!) movie and a potentially solid title from EA may make me more of a racing fan. We'll see; but my interest is definitely piqued.

More to come on both titles soon...

Things I don't Like

2007-07-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm enjoying NCAA Football 08, but as usual, there are some issues that keep it from being the best game ever, despite the subject matter...

In no particular order, here are the things I don't like about it:

I can't sub by formation, meaning I can't pick who plays on special teams (other than the kicker and returners), who plays the LB in the dime package, etc.

I have to re-enter my settings each time I play a game in my Dynasty. NCAA used to save them in the game file, now it's tied somewhere else, and I have to figure out where...

There are too many interceptions. I'm good, but not THAT good. Too many INT's, and INT's returned for a touchdown. I just adjusted the slider (I'm playing on All American level), so we'll see if that helps (and if I have to adjust it each time - grr!). I just beat Indiana, primarily because they had EIGHT turnovers!

The interface is inefficient. I hate having to start in the shrine, or at the "website." Let me get to the menus, darn it! Plus, the menus move s-l-o-w-l-y...

As I mentioned previously, where are the drills? I hate it when features disappear as the game moves from one generation of hardware to the next.

The stadiums are always full, regardless of your average attendance. In past versions, I enjoyed watching the Rubber Bowl fill up as my teams got better and better. Now, every game is like the battle for the Wagon Wheel. Give me something to work for!

Those are the biggies so far. I'll probably be back to gushing about the game in my next few posts, now that these issues are off my chest. There's a lot to like, but man, why can't EA put a whole game together?! I guess I could ask that question of most developers...

Time Warner Offers No Apology For Their Lack of Customer Service

2007-07-21T17:42:00.001-05:00

My living room television decided enough was enough and gave up the other day. I’ve wanted a new TV for a very long time so this was a good thing. (The timing, as usual, was dreadful!) I went to a local TV shop, and not only did they have the Sony flat panel I wanted (Bravia), they delivered it THAT DAY! I was pretty impressed. The salesperson was nice, knowledgeable, and ready to make a sale. He was a bit of a “close talker” which creeped me out but other than that, pleasant enough. The delivery guys, on the other hand, were the exact opposite. The two that arrived with my TV turned out to be the most unfriendly customer service people I had encountered is a very long time. It was obvious they didn’t want to haul my old television away (and I paid an $18.00 dumpster fee for that), or do any work in general. They weren’t rude, but the silence and the sighs spoke volumes. The basic instructions they gave for using the remote would have been better communicated to and by a four-year old. (And that is insulting some four-year olds!) I would soon learn that I needed to be grateful that they actually showed up.

Next on my list was a call to my cable company – good ol’ Time Warner. I asked them to come out with a new HD box and DVR. To offset that cost, I dropped a few movie channels. The customer service rep was very accommodating and scheduled the service between 1PM and 5PM on my day off. Great! Except no one showed up. The movie channels got cancelled and that’s all the rep did. So when I called to inquire as to why TW’s tech was a “no show”, this new customer service rep advised that their records indicate all of the items I requested were already taken care of - the day that I called. I laughed. I asked the rep how likely it was that TW would come out the same day I called? I also advised her I wasn’t paying for the new features so they’d best not be on my bill. (Actually, my monthly cost will be relatively unchanged but I was feeling snippy – and that’s putting it mildly.)

“When would be a good time for us to come back out?” I replied honestly with, “Now.”

We are “now” rescheduled for a Saturday appointment. (“That way you won’t have to take another day off work,” said the rep. Oh good, so now you’re going to ruin my weekend too? I didn’t say that – the thought just continually ran through my mind as I shook my head in disbelief that I was agreeing to ruin my Saturday.)

I absolutely love the last line TW’s reps are required to say: “Is there anything else I can help you with?” As if to imply they helped you with something in the first place. Still feeling snippy, my response was, “not unless you can get the service person to actually show up this time.” I laughed again. She said, “I have it on the computer.” Somehow that didn’t make me feel any better.

Now to be fair, I did admit to her I was annoyed and frustrated, that it was the other reps fault and not hers, but I’ve been waiting for 4 hours and honestly, I really don’t have a spare 4 hours these days. Does anyone?

I guess the one thing that I wanted that I didn’t get was an apology. A simple “I’m sorry for our mix up” or “I’m sorry for the inconvenience” or just a semi-sincere “I’m sorry.”

I got nothin’.

Everything that went wrong was totally due to TW’s customer service reps screwing it up. You would think, as a basic common courtesy, an apology would be offered. Apparently that is not instilled in their reps. Apparently they were never taught the concept either. Unfortunately, what became painfully obvious once more is the fact that they just don’t care. Just like the television delivery guys, they have better things to do and the job they are getting paid for isn’t one of them. (A very interesting concept – especially to someone in my current job predicament.)

While I was waiting for the TW tech to show up (again, he didn’t), I received a call from SBC Global. I started asking some questions (as I’m wireless and have my own modem and router.) This caused great confusion to the SBC rep. Supposedly the cost was $19.99 a month. I inquired as to HOW MANY months that fee was applicable. She said that was their standard rate and it wasn’t just for a couple months. I would however have to use their modem. I said I’d consider it and ended the call.

Honestly, I don’t want to have to change my e-mail address yet again. Maybe when things slow down I’ll give SBC Global a try.

At least when TW was named Adelphia, they showed up for appointments. In fact, one of Adelphia’s techs helped me out a great deal. I’m not expecting that kind of service from TW and I’m sure I won’t be disappointed. I guess I’ll have to be happy if they just show up, right?

So TW stood me up three times. I’m not kidding. Blame is placed entirely upon their customer service phone reps for not scheduling the appointments. When they finally did show, up they didn’t have the HD hook up! That means someone else would have to come out. I was stood up twice more. When I called Customer Service at TW, the girl I spoke with suggested I drive down to their office, pick up the missing cable and they’ll walk me through hooking it up, over the phone. I laughed at her and sweetly inquired, “Is that your idea of customer service?” Later, she offered me a $20.00 credit for my inconvenience and threatened to charge my account a $25.00 fee for making their techs come out again. I asked for a manager but was advised there was no manager available at this time. Unreal. They never did charge me. They never credited my account either.

TW finally got it right. They actually sent two service techs out. I bet they figured “safety in numbers” and I had been stood up too many times now. I had these techs laughing. They couldn’t believe what I had been through and that I was actually laughing about it. They were VERY grateful that I didn’t blame them for this mess. (As I clearly stated, blame falls on the phone reps for not scheduling the service). I told the techs, “You’re not going to know I need service if the phone reps don’t put it in the computer.” Not only did they hook everything up perfectly, they programmed the DVR for me, and offered to assist with any other issues I was having.

Even though Time Warner won’t apologize to me, I’m going to be the bigger person and apologize to them. (Plus it’s been awhile since I’ve put my gift of sarcasm to use.)

I’m sorry every time I have to deal with your PHONE reps.
I’m sorry your PHONE reps lack basic customer service skills.
I’m sorry your (my) Intranet is down at least twice a week (and it’s only Tuesday).
I’m sorry that you are my only choice for cable service. As soon as that changes, so will I.

Now, I’m off to write a letter about that $20.00 credit!

Building my Legend

2007-07-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

More on Campus Legend mode...

Sadly, the drills are gone. However, when you "practice" in Legend mode, you get to run 10 plays. The coach calls the plays, and you play your position only. If you do something positive, you get points. In my case, as a RB, I get points for a first down, touchdown, big gain, catching a pass etc. If you get enough points, you can displace the guy ahead of you on the depth chart. I'm the starter now, so it's no big deal. I do practice every day, though, trying to master the controls.

After practice, you have an "evening" event. Often, you get to make a choice, and depending on the choice you make, you could augment your abilities, or get yourself in trouble. For example, on one occasion, I helped a buddy move, and then hurt my back! On another occasion, I turned down an offer to play hoops and stayed in to study, to the tune of +.01 to my GPA (uh, that wouldn't have happened in real life, LOL).

We're 2-0 to start the season. We beat a 1-AA team about 54-0, and I had over 200 yards rushing at about 10 yards per carry, and 4 TD's. I had one 86-yard run, and saved the highlight, but it was basically making one move and using my "99" speed to race to glory.

Just when I thought it might be too easy, we went to Eastern Carolina University. I assume that's a pretty intense regional rivalry, so I figured it might be a tougher game. It was raining, to boot. It was much harder sledding for me, as I only got about 77 yards on 26 carries. I did have 5 catches for over 50 yards, though, and a sweet 12 yard TD run through the trenches. I saved a highlight of that as well, since I carried about 3 guys on my back across the goal line! We won a hard-fought game 27-13. That was better; maybe Varsity isn't so easy - especially when I play the FSU's, NC State's, and Virginia's of the world. Time will tell.

I tried to upload my highlights, but I was unsuccessful. It seems that the server is having problems. I imagine they're getting bombarded with videos. I'll post it here if my highlights get uploaded.

I'm really enjoying this game. Bill Harris, of Dubious Quality, has some excellent commentary (no surprise) on his blog, and I highly recommend it.

I'm holding off on Dynasty mode, because I want to clear up some roster confusion first. I can't quite figure out who ALL of the players are on my team, and I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive about it. :-)

More to come...

It's Here!

2007-07-18T12:20:00.000-05:00

NCAA Football 08 is now in it's rightful place in my Xbox 360. I removed the shrink wrap at approximately 3:47 PM, and subsequently spent about 4 hours with it throughout the rest of the evening. Here are some "gut reactions" to my experience.

Saving and uploading your personal highlights seems to be the big addition to this year's game, as you begin in your "shrine," where you can view your trophies and past moments of glory. It's a little different interface, and somewhat cumbersome, but obviously EA is trumpeting it's newest feature. I spent a little time examining what is and isn't available compared to last year's Xbox version, and most everything is there. The only thing I couldn't find was a way to do drills, which was one of the best ways to master the controls. I believe they're in the Campus Challenge mode, but they're not available off the menu, which is a bit of a disappointment.

Speaking of controls, the default controls are different, as the "hurdle" button is back and the sprint button has moved to the right trigger. On defense, "jump the snap" is now the left trigger, which feels a little awkward. As I mentioned previously, there's also new hit stick moves, and gang tackling, which looks pretty cool.

The rosters are definitely bigger. I spent about an hour-and-a-half editing my Zips. I was going to do the Buckeyes as well, but after 70 entries, it got kind of old. I just let the computer name the rest of my players.

After that, I began my first foray into the Campus Legend mode. I created myself as a running back, and proceeded to claim my high school's first state championship since 1985 (on varsity level). I was quite successful as a running back, and I was rated as a 5-star prospect. Almost everybody wanted my services, but only a few quality schools offered me a starting spot as a freshman. Despite his woeful performance as the Brown's coach, I decided to join Butch Davis at UNC. My speed is a 99! Methinks that varsity is a little too easy… I will begin my college campaign tonight, and confirm whether or not the drills are present. Otherwise, it looks pretty similar to last year's Xbox version, in terms of your daily activities and so forth. One major change is "super sim" mode, where you only participate when your player is on the field, and from your player's perspective. It's much like last year's Madden's superstar mode, and it's a welcome change. I should be able to progress through my four years much quicker this way. For the record, I'll also start a Campus Legend on All-American level, and I'll play my Zips' dynasty on All-American level, which I should begin tonight.

Other than getting accustomed to the controls, and the gang tackling, the other thing I noticed was that in my four-game run to the state championship, I can't recall one instance of "Mario running." Maybe it's because I covered up in traffic, which opened up a whole new set of animations, but it was a welcome change. Finally, you can hitch a ride on the hind end of one of your big hogs up front, and clear some space inside the tackles. We'll see how it goes at UNC.

Much much much much much more to come! :-)

My Roomba Reward

2007-07-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

As I stated in a previous blog, I passed the exam for MS Access and obtained my MOS certificate. To my utter disappointment, Bill Gates did NOT sign my certificate. I know, I know. This really doesn’t seem like THAT big of a deal. Still, it would have been pretty cool to me. (Two Microsoft executives signed it.)

I also stated that I was going to REWARD myself for this little feat and, the iPhone seemed a tad bit indulgent. As it turns out, I have been the proud parent, uhm, make that owner, of a Roomba. (Yes, the self-vacuuming iRobot. It ROCKS!) I love Roomba. The cats are intrigued by it. No, they don’t try to ride Roomba. They perch on the sofa, chair, or even the steps (because Roomba has sensors so it doesn’t fall down them) and stare at it. Occasionally one of them gets brave enough to “dare” Roomba to touch her. Roomba knows no better than to oblige. He bumps the cat and turns the other way at the exact same time the brave cat runs in the opposite direction. While Roomba is none the worse for wear after the “bump and run”, I can’t say the same for the cat who sought higher ground (a windowsill), and seemed a little confused by the recent event.

So imagine my surprise when a fully charged Roomba greeted me with its happy little tune (“da dee, da dee, da dee”) advising me it was ready to go, and then promptly spun in circles, in the same place. (GASP! “Roombie honey, what’s wrong with you?”) I began to wonder if there was an iRobot doctor (repair person) I could contact. Now this is the original version of Roomba who has needed nothing from me except a new battery pack. Sadly, per my e-mails to iRobot, Roomba cannot be repaired. However, I was offered 30% off an upgrade, no sales tax, but did have to pay shipping and handling.

I said YES! So, I have rewarded myself with a brand new Roomba Discovery! (This is neither the least expensive nor the most expensive model and suits my needs perfectly!) Also, the upgraded battery pack ($50.00) in old Roomba will fit new Roomba Discovery.

I’m excited. I miss Roomba. The cats miss Roomba. I hate vacuuming so often and my sweeper is heavy. Plus I have to lug it up and down a couple flights of steps and that’s just not fun. The cats fear the “Big Sweeper” and once I turn it on, they run for cover – actually, they run for their little lives!

If you’ve never owned one, you would be pleasantly surprised at how ‘smart’ Roomba is and how powerful it is. Granted, I’m a bit of a geek, and when my friends got one, I was over the moon, as were they. In fact, they bought me my original Roomba as a gift. I went home that night, charged the battery, and fired Roomba up the next day. Now you can just let Roomba go work its magic - there’s no reason for you to stick around. Should Roomba get into trouble, he’ll signal you with an “uh oh” type of sound. (Like when he tried to suck up one the cat's toy mice. Oops. My bad.) To be honest, the first few times I used Roomba, like the cats, I just watched in amazement.

I found myself bringing it out when friends were over. It was quite the conversation piece and once again, I was the trailblazer of a new cool toy. Well, I could honestly do an infomercial on Roomba. I love it that much. I’m pretty jazzed about my new one, which comes with a bonus accessory kit (which is backorder for 3 weeks). My old kit contained a couple of filters and a device with an invisible beam so you could keep Roomba out of certain rooms if you so desired.

Anyway, if you haven’t already done so, the site really is worth checking out: iRobot

NCAA Demo is Out

2007-07-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

I downloaded it tonight while I was at my daughter's softball game...

It's a game between USC and Michigan (yuck to both of those teams) with 2 minute quarters on Varsity level, I believe.

I'm looking forward to honing my skills on the new gameplay prior to picking it up, so I can jump right in come July 17th. I've been reading good things at DSP. I'll post some impressions over the weekend, after I get a few games in. I'm wondering... can USC and Michigan both lose? That might be a sign of a serious AI problem, but I probably wouldn't mind too much...

Like a kid at Christmas time...

2007-07-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

NCAA Football is just over a week away! At (almost) 36, I can't believe I still get excited for this stuff...

To make the time between now and then go even slower, EA has released a half-dozen or so videos, trailers, and tutorials from the game on the Xbox Live Marketplace. Of course, I had to check those out...

Here are the highlights:

The trophy room has been greatly enhanced, and it includes things like user-saved great play videos and stills. It appears some can even be uploaded. This is cool; there's nothing like reliving those "oh my" moments of greatness on the screen. I still recall the time I (er, virtual Mark Price) hit three 3-pointers in the last minute to win a game in NBA Live (circa 1997, I think). I even re-lived it out on my basketball court. Yes, I need help...
Campus Legend mode allows you to either take over an existing player, or to create a new one. Instead of doing drills to earn a scholarship, you now play in your state's high school playoff games, among the final 16 teams. You also get to advise your coach of your favorite school, so he can make sure they're in attendance. Your performance in the tournament earns you a rating (up to 5 stars), and subsequent offers based upon your performance. It looks to add even more to the fun, although I don't think they brought the girlfriend pictures back. As I said, I need help!
Recruiting has been totally revamped. There are now up to fourteen different recruiting pitches, and you can uncover how the player feels about each one, before hammering home your final pitch during an in-home visit to get a commitment. You can rank the recruits in order of importance (which affects how they feel about your school), and also make promises in regard to playing time and so forth. You have an integrity rating that changes based upon keeping your promises, which can negatively affect some recruits if your rating is low. It appears that you are limited to so many "hours" a week to recruit. Also, a much needed change is the ability to search the player database. Now you can focus on exactly the players you want, from where you want, without looking through everyone in the DB. Cool.
There are a few more plays added, like the ones Boise State pulled off against Oklahoma last season (the Statue of Liberty and the Hook and Lateral). The hit stick has been improved to allow you to dive at players' ankles, and gang tackling has finally been implemented. There's also a new momentum feature, where you can take control of someone, make a play, and improve his moral and the moral of players within his "influence." It looks a little iffy, but at least they're trying to capture the ups and downs of the college game, I guess.

Overall, I'm excited about the changes, and I think this could be the best NCAA ever, assuming there's no major glitches, like QB accuracy, or the ability to rush of the end, and so forth from previous editions. Obviously, I can't wait!

Review is Up

2007-07-04T20:06:00.000-05:00

Honestly, I feel a little silly posting my trivial drivel compared to what Kellie's going through. Let me tell you, though, she is grace and dignity defined! She'll come through this and land like all of her pet cats - on her feet.

I'm proud of her for being able to share this tough experience in her life. I'm disappointed in my company for the way things have gone down, but I'm proud of the managers that have done all they can for her. That's the paradox of my company; we're very successful in spite of ourselves sometimes, because there are enough good people that care in enough places to make a difference. I imagine it's that way throughout corporate America. And, although this is little consolation to someone in Kellie's position, at least they didn't "pink slip" them on a Friday. Everyone I've ever known in this situation at my company has had at least 6 months to find another path. I believe everything happens for a reason, though, and that there's a silver lining for all of the Kellie's out there somewhere...

Anyway, back to my insignificant world... My Pirates review has been posted at Gameshark. It's really a good game for aficionados of the Pirates franchise, and a solid choice for those not too familiar with it. NASCAR 08 is next in the queue to review for me. I did pick up Call of Juarez tonight with some birthday money, and pre-ordered my all-time favorite game/series - NCAA Football 08. Only two more weeks until I command my beloved Akron Zips to a MAC championship... on "easy" level, at least!

I'll have a lot to say about NCAA Football when it comes out. I always get my money's worth out of that game - playing several seasons plus a "Race for the Heisman" game or two...

Two Weeks

2007-07-04T18:28:00.000-05:00

When you hear the words “two weeks”, what do you think of?

Perhaps, your mind goes directly to the primo thought of “two weeks vacation!”

Recently, for me, it was “two weeks” until my MOS exam and then, “two weeks” till tech school starts.

But soon, very soon, it will be “two weeks notice.” Sort of…

As you know, I am losing my job. (If I would move to Tennessee, I could keep it.)

One time, I applied for a job (same employer as now), and discovered I was the only employee who applied. Huh. I told the person who interviewed me that choices were “overrated.” I said this in jest. (Rumor has it I scared all other candidates but, you know what they say about rumors…only 50% are accurate.) I got the job. Shortly thereafter, my new boss moved to – you guessed it – Tennessee. I lost my job. Still, they found a place for me within the same company, office, and city. This was during a time when your managers actually had a voice. (To their credit, with all that is going on now, I’ve had several managers step up on my behalf…to no avail. But it did wonders for my self-esteem! Sadly, these managers have “no voice.” When that happens, things crumble – quickly!)

I leave behind friends and memories and a safety zone. I am however, looking at this as an opportunity. With my head held high (always grace, always dignity), I am ready to take on some new challenges. Blah, blah, blah. What I really want is a paycheck so I can buy more clothes, shoes and toys (have I mentioned the iPhone?)

Well, I’m about to have my SECOND interview for a potential job that I’m not sure I really want. I’m not sure I don’t want it, but I’m certainly not sure that I do. Confused? Welcome to my world!

I’m ever so slightly wondering (read that as I’m freakin’ out about) how I’m going to handle a full time job and this tech school commitment I made. As I told my friend, I’m basically spending money I don’t have, to spend time I don’t have, for a better job I don’t have.

Where’s my EASY button?